Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

The OP's entire self identity is wrapped up in their career - which explains, also, their great success. It's a common ailment in high pressure, high money industries, and especially common in tech. And now, the inevitable existential crisis when that is over - what now? They spent 20-30 years doing nothing but focusing on their job, and tying their self-worth to external validation.

I think what a therapist would say is to focus on yourself rather than extrinsic rewards. You need to learn to be happy with yourself and not rely on validation of others or society to do that for you. Finding a hobby that gives you a lot of personal satisfaction is one approach.

I'm 42, and felt very similarly, particularly after changing jobs with a nearly 100% increase in pay. I make a lot of money, especially for my COL area. I have a nice house, nice cars, kids are doing well. I felt a strong sense of something missing, and thought about talking to a therapist. I wasn't sure how to fill the hole. Began thinking about social work I could get into (doing something about poverty, equality, homelessness is high on my list of values), but haven't taken that step.

Then, I got a cancer diagnosis. It sounds cliche, but everything changed immediately. What I thought I valued was so wrong. I was so focused on the future; of being a grandparent, traveling, doing something as a volunteer...and then, WHAM.

Suddenly, this is what mattered:

Doing the dishes. Driving around town. Feeding my dogs. Walking outside on a nice day.

I reached out to a therapist, against every bit of my nature. I always felt like I could handle anything mentally, but I just couldn't anymore. She has been immensely helpful, and given me mental tools (again, sounds cliche, but believe me - great) for dealing with things I was hitting a wall with. We talked about my change in perspective. Talked about living more in the moment, or at least, that was my take-away. Since then, I have been shifting my focus to the present any time I find myself ruminating on the past or future too much. Thinking about those things is pretty pointless. Of course, I don't make reflexive, bad decisions about the future, I just stopped constantly thinking about being able to retire, where I would live, what my kids' futures looked like (that probably sounds bad, but they're adults - their futures are theirs to make now), political bullshit of the day...

tl;dr: Focus on the present. Find out what really matters to you.

You don't need to be a psychiatrist to know that depression doesn't always surface in the way you described.

With that said, I think it also helps to diversify your portfolio of meaning. Sounds like you identify "summit" and "zenith" as the latest happenings in your career, but depending on the season of your life, there will always be different ups and downs.

Found this article useful: https://every.to/superorganizers/against-ikigai