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Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

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Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#111

Post by vmception »

What I see is about the metrics of professional success. I'm not sure if its just the venue you are posting on (a career developer/startup forum) or if you truly encapsulate your life to these old events.

> Was the first person in the history of my university who was both a fulltime student and full time employee.

Okay? Why is that something to brag about. Like when you deconstruct that, is it really something to brag about? Its fine that you wound up having the capacity to excel in that situation, and have external validation that you did, but is the environment that pushed you into that really useful... for you? Congratulations on being able to provide for yourself and others. What are you actually interested in? What would be a better use of that bandwidth if a degree and professional attainment wasn't your goal?

> I’m really only working for the health insurance.

Come on. So half to 100% of the premium is paid by your employer. Okay. Is that really making a difference? You can likely keep the exact same plan without that employer and your investments should be able to cover that as well, if your past successes were really worth it (literally in this case) as described above, deep down you knew that right?

> But I've never been more unhappy and lost.

Back to my original point. Are these really the highlights of your life? That seems to be the primary point. You won the career-necessity game. You beat the wage-slave level.

Do you have other interests? Are you interested in having other interests? Sounds like you need serotonin and dopamine kickstarts.

> I told my therapist that I feel like I've hit my mid-life crisis, though not your typical one as I'm not going out and buying a muscle car to cruise high schools.

Not like other guys(tm). You're not special and your prior professional accomplishments have delayed you from accepting this earlier in life. Maybe you do need to buy the muscle car and see what you were missing. You might find that you like it.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#113

Post by jawerty »

troglodynellc wrote: post #27

Drop the therapy and start lifting weights. I'm not kidding. If the problem is that you feel things are gonna be a slow decline from here, then fight it . Make that your new goal, even if you know it to be a losing battle. It will focus your mind on demonstrable milestones like hitting new deadlift personal best. Even if you do something else, at the very least recognize that you've gotten to the point where you don'…

Ignore the other commenters this is good advice to give a man in a tough spot. If you find it yourself you'll be stronger. That's it. Life is tough and not fair, sometimes the people you rely on won't be there. The less dependent you are on others to get yourself out of a hole the better off you are.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#114

Post by Clubber »

I'm coming to the realization that I spent all of my young years working and it kinda pisses me off. There isn't anything I can really do about it now and I've kinda come to grips with it. I had my midlife crisis in my late 30s and got into motorcycle riding. I realized how dangerous that really is so I got over that after a few years without any serious injury.

I suggest finding a hobby that is hard. I like shooting. It's dangerous enough to be exciting and difficult enough to not easily master (if ever), and it's deep enough to keep my mind occupied. I try to go every weekend, spend an hour at the range and feel better on the way home. It also gives me something to look forward to every week. We have a few outdoor ranges in the area so I get fresh air and more outside time too.

You can go deeper by learning how to break them completely down and cleaning them, making your own ammo, or even some minor gunsmithing. There's also a lot of categories. There is target shooting, speed shooting, shooting skeet/trap, long range rifle shooting, lots of stuff.

Shooting might not be for you, but try different things and see if anything piques your interest.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#115

Post by snek_case »

flax wrote: post #72

You don't have to work anymore. You won the game. You don't have to play anymore. Or, you can play the unstructured bonus content. I never got the appeal of open-world sandbox type games either. If I had what you had, I would just: 1) raise my kid 2) build stuff 3) write fiction 4) consume without guilt (media, restaurants, hobbies and gadgets, etc)

I think in any rate there's something to be said for just taking a proper break for an entire year if needed. Why not take a year to just focus on raising the kids, sleeping in if you can, taking it slow and easy. The energy should come back if you give yourself time.

I also agree that lifting weights is a very good idea, but don't stop seeing your therapist.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#116

Post by bravura »

A lot of comments have said "stay in therapy" or "quit therapy", but my immediate reaction is that maybe you have the wrong (ineffective) therapist and need to switch.

My spidey sense went up when you mentioned what "you told your therapist", full stop. I was at least expecting "what my therapist responded" or "what my therapist told me that didn't work". That really (spidey sense, no evidence really) implies that your therapist is having low impact.

I've had half a dozen therapists in my life. What I realized is there's a huge difference between most therapists and good ones. With a typical therapist, not much happens, you phone it in and they don't notice or call you on it. A good therapist somehow has a way of listening and then catching you properly off guard at least once or twice a session. They can stare into your soul and see through your bullshit, even when you don't notice the bullshit you're saying. If you don't feel that incisiveness, perhaps it's time to start shopping for a new therapist.

Therapy really is a 100x profession.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#118

Post by ajmurmann »

miltonlaxer wrote: post #51

I spent too many years ruthlessly perusing my career and passion for coding. Sure, I have a bunch of a money and my dream job but now what? I spent the last 8 years with a girl that I was certain I was going to marry. She cheated on me last month and I hit rock bottom. I didn't want to code anymore, I didn't even want to play games or get out of bed. I started working out, eating healthy, and improving myself however…

Selfish question to sharing such intimately: what are you doing to meet new people?

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#120

Post by boucher »

thiago_fm wrote: post #70

Sorry you feel that way, I'll try to be frank here, if my advice isn't useful, just don't take it. I know a few people exactly like you, that like to boost about how well off they are and that are depressed and sad, but they treat life as it is a game of competition, this is why they usually start by displaying how "they've won", but in reality they were the only ones that were silly enough to only think about work.…

Depression is not one thing, not everyone experiences it the same way as the person you live with.
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