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A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

theatlantic.com

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Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#681

Post by khazhoux »

AlwaysRock wrote: post #139
perpetuummobile wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Feel free to downvote but please tell me why I am wrong. I legitimately struggle with this as is obviously clear from my tone.

You're wrong because you've bucketed half the global population either because of your blissful ignorance or because your personal anecdotal, likely very limited data and sample size, supports your belief.

I think at some point in their lives, people are entitled, just maybe, to draw from their own personal experiences in the course of conversation. Just about every one of the 600 comments on this post are people sharing their personal experience (their dreadfully non-scientific anecdotes!).

Here, the commenter is saying it's their experience that women are more easily annoyed by "little things." Perhaps you've had the opposite experience, where your male friends complain non-stop about their female partner's annoying little habits?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#682

Post by [deleted] »

nradov wrote: post #589
jimkleiber wrote: post #477

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I appreciate you sharing this. Reminds me of a class I took at the University of Illinois, it was a seminar in entrepreneurship for engineers, if I remember correctly. I believe a CEO of a $100M+ company came in and gave a speech. His first slide had a PowerPoint, on which he put something like, "3...2...1." Then he said, "3 wives, 2 divorces, and 1 heart attack. That's the real cost of entrepreneurship." I've rememb…

Mark Cuban had a different perspective when he was younger. “I went through girlfriends (who threatened) — ‘It is your business or me,'” the Shark Tank investor recalled. “And I was like — ‘What is your name again?’ It was just non-stop.” https://www.cheatsheet.com/entertainment/shark-tank-star-mar... I'm not endorsing that comment. I just thought it was interesting to see how a notable entrepreneur approached relati…

[deleted]

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#683

Post by spadros »

erik_landerholm wrote: post #53

Been married for 20 years almost…we never fight. We both do things that aren’t optimal, but we give each other the benefit of the doubt, we talk about everything, we don’t step on each other’s areas of responsibility, we don’t speak harshly to each other and we are best friends. I can’t ever imagine being in a the situation described above. I mean all the individual things happen to us leaving dishes, muddy whatever…

This is the attitude I think the author should be writing about. It should be that you love your partner, even with their trivial flaws.

The glass was never the real issue. It’s a sign for the relationship going off the rails. Not a sign that the author should just put the glass away blindly. It might be a sign that the author can listen more. Or it could be a sign that the woman doesn’t love him enough, or frankly isn’t capable, of letting the little things go. The glass is just the tip of the iceberg.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#684

Post by vxNsr »

jrm4 wrote: post #127
vxNsr wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Personally I’d rather lose 100% of the disagreement some of time (i.e. 50%) than part (40%, 50%, 60%) of the argument every time.

I mean, you have to go to the classic point of rhetoric here. Do you want to win all the arguments, or do you want to have your way? Strategically losing arguments, or even just "lots of admitting when you're wrong (and also subconsciously reminding and modeling the fact that it's okay to be wrong)" is worth so much.

I was more saying that losing 50% of what you want means neither side is happy, you both gave up 50% of what you felt would make you happy. being willing to give in, entirely means even if you’re not happy right now, when your spouse/partner gives in to you you are

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#686

Post by [deleted] »

dre85 wrote: post #550
TedDoesntTalk wrote: post #493

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for writing this. I have a question for you, since my marriage ended for reasons similar to this author's. Why is the wife's desire more important than his? In other words, why must the husband live the way the wife wants and compromise is not acceptable (especially if they share cleaning responsibilities) -- compromise could look like "sometimes I do it her way, sometimes I do it my way." Why can't a partner…

I'm in a marriage and I struggle with this same question. I sometimes feel like the things my wife cares about are essentially endless. Like if I bend to "her way" and put effort into consistently placing the dirty cup in the dishwasher, next week something new comes up. Then it's the clothes on the floor of my side of the bed or not hanging my jacket or not putting my shoes away perfectly in the closet. At times I g…

[deleted]

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#687

Post by [deleted] »

llbeansandrice wrote: post #646
TedDoesntTalk wrote: post #539

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If I just sit around and say everything is "important", does that mean I get to have it my way all the time? This is my question, and i would like to hear from OP, married 33+ years, on his attitude about this.

This is an extreme example/edge case and if that's truly the case you are either not participating in good faith or would likely benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy. You're approaching the topic of a healthy marriage from game theory where your spouse is another player/opponent, not from empathy and good-faith participation or even just as a team with a common goal. Is your goal to "have it your way all the tim…

[deleted]

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#688

Post by pcthrowaway »

AlanYx wrote: post #304
RobertRoberts wrote: post #286

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have a theory I use that helps me with this, the "million dollar gun to the head" theory. Would either of them stop fighting instantly if there as a gun to their heads or offered a million dollars? If the answer is "yes", then it's entirely within their control to solve the problem. The only people I think that fail this are psychopaths, and I think those are rare.

If you don't have experience with people prone to emotional dysregulation, it's hard to appreciate how it works, but you don't need to resort to such an artificial scenario like your gun scenario. People with some personality disorders can be triggered by seemingly little things into anger/rage states for 4-6 hours that cannot be resolved by talking them out, but if someone outside the household (i.e., someone who is…

This exact thing happened with my partner. Do you know what kinds of personality disorders are prone to this?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#689

Post by mensetmanusman »

dre85 wrote: post #550
TedDoesntTalk wrote: post #493

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for writing this. I have a question for you, since my marriage ended for reasons similar to this author's. Why is the wife's desire more important than his? In other words, why must the husband live the way the wife wants and compromise is not acceptable (especially if they share cleaning responsibilities) -- compromise could look like "sometimes I do it her way, sometimes I do it my way." Why can't a partner…

I'm in a marriage and I struggle with this same question. I sometimes feel like the things my wife cares about are essentially endless. Like if I bend to "her way" and put effort into consistently placing the dirty cup in the dishwasher, next week something new comes up. Then it's the clothes on the floor of my side of the bed or not hanging my jacket or not putting my shoes away perfectly in the closet. At times I g…

Here is one strategy that I enjoy:

Start a notes checklist on your phone of what you could have done to prevent the situation in the first place.

It will grow to probably over 40-50 things over the course of two months. And you will start to realize as you read the list the types of themes that are upsetting and stressful to her.

This has helped but your mileage may vary, it is illuminating though…

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#690

Post by antisthenes »

pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

> some minor thing that exploded into a 6 hour argument, while I was trying to disengage the whole time, but couldn't.

If a minor thing can explode into a 6 hour argument, then there's no salvaging this relationship. Your partner was simply not ready for it. It's not even a red flag. It's like a Soviet Army marching on your lawn.

Run, run, run, because you deserve better.

> A couple weeks ago I had enough, and decided I needed more autonomy, and moved out

I don't know how long your relationship lasted, but I'm glad you made the right choice in the end.

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