A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem • Hacker News Board

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#111

Post by greenonions » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 3:34 PM UTC

erikstarck wrote: post #73

If you haven't read "The Five Love Languages" yet and are in a relationship, then I highly suggest you do. It might save it before it's too late. And just to make this slightly more startup-related as well: as team members, we also have "love languages", ways we communicate respect and appreciation to each other. Sometimes we speak different languages and don't understand each other. That breaks the team.

Also recommend this book. It's a simple system to understand your relationship easier, and it acts as a starting point.

As an example from the article, if the author recognized from the beginning that putting the dishes into the dishwasher made his wife feel loved, he would do so, his wife would be happy, and he would feel happy, starting a virtuous cycle.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#112

Post by AlwaysRock » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 3:34 PM UTC

LegitShady wrote: post #84

NortySpock wrote: post #48

"Is this hill worth dieing on?" is a question I occasionally ask myself. Other ways to put it: "Would taking 10 seconds to do this now make my wife 1% less stressed?" (If so, do the thing to make her less stressed.) "Is it worth starting a fight vs spending the same time just fixing the problem?" "Would spending $COST_OF_THING make my wife happy for a day / make a fond memory of us together?" (Hence why I encourage m…

> "Would taking 10 seconds to do this now make my wife 1% less stressed?" An addition to this unrelated to marriage - if it takes 10 seconds, why isn't it already done instead of considering whether to do it or not? I have a personal rule that unless I have another issue that requires attention right now (like working from home being work time, etc) If it take 5 minutes or less to do it I just do it right away and ne…

This is the cause of the same fight over and over. One side is annoyed by something that is small and takes little time to do. The other side says why are you annoyed by something that is so insignificant? The other side says if its insignificant to you why cant you do it?

I've had some version of this argument 1000's of times and its ended a lot of relationships I had pre marriage.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#113

Post by bena » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 3:35 PM UTC

erikstarck wrote: post #73

If you haven't read "The Five Love Languages" yet and are in a relationship, then I highly suggest you do. It might save it before it's too late. And just to make this slightly more startup-related as well: as team members, we also have "love languages", ways we communicate respect and appreciation to each other. Sometimes we speak different languages and don't understand each other. That breaks the team.

I'd recommend people don't. Mostly because people read stuff like that and extrospect rather than introspect. "How can I get my partner to speak my love language?" rather than "What is my partner's love language?"

Everything becomes another tool of manipulation. "My love language is 'acts of service', so if you don't take out the trash, you don't love me." That's just straight up emotional manipulation.

Whereas it should be "My husband prepares my coffee and oats every morning. This is how he shows he loves me."

In the first, it's all about how one can use a concept to get what you want. In the second, it's about recognizing what's already being given and what it means.

There should be a rule, where you can learn about this and other concepts, but you are never allowed to talk about it with people you have a relationship with.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#114

Post by jrm4 » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 3:36 PM UTC

I'd suppose the thing I'd warn here: Remember that, by definition, this article was written by a failure -- meaning that the likelihood that they fully understand the situation even now is still pretty low; especially since they're still likely in a sense seeking validation by writing the article.

Ideally, you'd like to hear from a success. And at the risk being the horn-tooter, (married for 15+ years), when I read this I'm like "sigh, okay, where to begin..."

(As in, I can't even respond to it directly; I'd have to be like, "no, ask me a precise question and I'll see if I can answer it to the best of my ability.)

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#115

Post by NhanH » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 3:36 PM UTC

The-Bus wrote: post #40

didgeoridoo wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Exactly. I am on the other side of this in my marriage — my wife leaves her water glass out (sometimes for days) because she “might want to use it again”. It bothered me, so I put it in the dishwasher. She didn’t like that, so I stopped doing it. And I got over the fact that there are sometimes six or seven half-full glasses around the house at any time, because I am not a petty psychotic who would take something so…

Plus, they protect you in the eventuality of an alien attack. Make sure you keep a bat around too.

I missed the joke. Which movie is this?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#116

Post by hallway_monitor » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 3:36 PM UTC

88913527 wrote: post #68

xtracto wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am not so sure. In my case, my wife is the "messy" one: Opens a can and leaves the lid in the kitchen table, leaves used clothes all around the bedroom and bathroom, etc. We've been married for 14 years, and the first years it was a constant struggle for me to try to change her behaviour. We even have gotten to the point of raising the divorce card in discussions related to this. But, fast forward to today, I learn…

Sorry to be solutioning here, and I'd imagine you've already tried this after 14 years, but sometimes changing habits can be solved with things like buying an extra laundry basket. It's seems like a small thing, but these adjustments can provide the accessibility that make it simpler to meet in the middle. In the kitchen, we keep a mini-waste bin on our countertop for used coffee grinds. It works for us.

Exactly. Although GP's solution of learning to live with this particular habit is great and necessary, changing the environment is almost always necessary to change behavior. Always look so see what simple change will encourage the behavior you want.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#117

Post by ceejayoz » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 3:37 PM UTC

Jiro wrote: post #72

ceejayoz wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I still want an explanation as to how the aliens in that movie managed to miss that 70% of the planet is covered by a deadly poison, and that it literally falls from the sky in most places.

There's the theory that the aliens are really demons and it's not water they're vulnerable to, but holy water .

A kid is filling cups with tap water to drink.

At what point is a priest blessing them all?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#118

Post by perpetuummobile » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 3:37 PM UTC

perpetuummobile wrote: post #93

I struggle with this myself. At the risk of sounding misogynistic: How come it’s always women who can’t deal with these “minor irritations”? I’ve never heard from any of my male friends complaining in this tack.

Feel free to downvote but please tell me why I am wrong. I legitimately struggle with this as is obviously clear from my tone.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#119

Post by AlwaysRock » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 3:38 PM UTC

erikstarck wrote: post #73

If you haven't read "The Five Love Languages" yet and are in a relationship, then I highly suggest you do. It might save it before it's too late. And just to make this slightly more startup-related as well: as team members, we also have "love languages", ways we communicate respect and appreciation to each other. Sometimes we speak different languages and don't understand each other. That breaks the team.

This book is great if you are in a relationship but also if you are single. It allows you to learn how you receive love. Often you express love in the ways you receive it which is critical to understanding if you are struggling to maintain relationships.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#120

Post by jrm4 » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 3:38 PM UTC

bena wrote: post #113

erikstarck wrote: post #73

If you haven't read "The Five Love Languages" yet and are in a relationship, then I highly suggest you do. It might save it before it's too late. And just to make this slightly more startup-related as well: as team members, we also have "love languages", ways we communicate respect and appreciation to each other. Sometimes we speak different languages and don't understand each other. That breaks the team.

I'd recommend people don't. Mostly because people read stuff like that and extrospect rather than introspect. "How can I get my partner to speak my love language?" rather than "What is my partner's love language?" Everything becomes another tool of manipulation. "My love language is 'acts of service', so if you don't take out the trash, you don't love me." That's just straight up emotional manipulation. Whereas it sh…

I agree with both the op AND this criticism. It's a pretty good tool in a relationship toolbox -- and also this definitely happens. Just don't treat it as gospel.