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A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

theatlantic.com

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Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#251

Post by rhacker »

This is how I read this. The wife may have long ago brought up some argument that was "banned". In other words - bread winner conversations.

Bread winners often have this trait: I make all the money, and I can only do that by working my butt off. So you need to take care of all the other things. No questions.

This is why the dishes is such a huge deal now: Since the ACTUAL conversation is banned (by the man) the only thing the wife was able to bring up is anything that causes her to do MORE work for him. She now has to wash and put away the glass. It's a problem not because of that task, but because she got lesson-ed years ago on the bread winner crap and it's non-stop marriage poison forever after.

Every time she sees him spend a few minutes glazing at a window or "browsing hacker news" (for example lol) or just not doing anything - that's feeding the fire too - because why couldn't he help with the unseen tasks she's been given and IGNORED for.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#252

Post by jahewson »

pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

Good for you! Arguments measured in hours are a sure sign to GTFO.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#253

Post by incomingpain »

zcw100 wrote: post #233

My wife gave me a huge ration of shit the first year of our marriage for leaving a coffee mug in the sink and not putting it in the dishwasher then spent the next 10 years leaving dishes all over the house. It still pisses me off every single f-ing time I see one.

>My wife gave me a huge ration of shit the first year of our marriage for leaving a coffee mug in the sink and not putting it in the dishwasher then spent the next 10 years leaving dishes all over the house. It still pisses me off every single f-ing time I see one.

My wife in our last home the day we moved in. I threw a shirt on top of our bed. 100% it was on the bed. Some point after it managed to hit the ground. Totally wasn't me. She brings me to the shirt on the ground and says that since I didn't care I cant ever complain if she does it. You can expect that my side of the bedroom is neat and orderly and well...

So in the process of buying our current home. She explains that she needs a new start. That our previous home didnt feel like a home and so keeping things clean will be done at the new house. Do you expect there was any change?

Flipside, I never ever criticized or anything along those lines. Never said a word. I'm not perfect and I don't expect flawed me will ever get a perfect spouse. Shit will go wrong. No reason to ever get pissed off or even criticize.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#254

Post by matheusmoreira »

beckler wrote: post #243

About 10 years ago, I had a internship at Newell Rubbermaid. As part of the experience, the entire group of interns across all the brands got to have lunch with the CEO and basically ask him anything we wanted. At some point, someone asked about his biggest regret. We all expected some business blunder, but he said that he was offered an executive position by Kraft to lead their Asian segment, and that his wife reall…

Reminded me of The Office. "It's not real until your wife is on board."

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#255

Post by AlanYx »

RobertRoberts wrote: post #235
belval wrote: post #227

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Honestly from the description you give, I wouldn't assign blame but it was probably the right call to break it off. 6 hours arguments that need to happen right now are a pretty big red flag...

I worked from home for many years (before it was popular) and I had a family too. This kind of things happened to me and my wife a lot, hours of arguing while I should have been working. You can work through it, you just have to care enough. We no longer have arguments longer than maybe 20 minutes now. It can just be personality types and where you are in life. But a valuable person in your life? You work through tha…

You can't always work through emotional dysregulation issues (inability to return to baseline after six hours of argument being one indicator of such issues) by just talking it out. Sometimes you can, sometimes it's associated with something more fundamental like a personality disorder where professional help needs to be involved.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#256

Post by em-bee »

belval wrote: post #227
pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

Honestly from the description you give, I wouldn't assign blame but it was probably the right call to break it off. 6 hours arguments that need to happen right now are a pretty big red flag...

an unresolved argument (if it's a serious one) makes it difficult for me to focus on work. (as a programmer and sysadmin, being distracted can be dangerous) if it happens in the evening i also can't sleep. so either way the day is ruined.

the solution then is obviously to learn to resolve arguments in a short time. actually, resolving the argument itself is not even the issue, but knowing that we still love each other is what matters.

so what needs to happen right now is to find a way for both of us to calm down, maybe hug and kiss and then get back to work until you have time to discuss the issue later.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#257

Post by Arrath »

khalilravanna wrote: post #191
mswen wrote: post #103

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your comment reminds me of the following. My wife and I have been married over 30 years now. Our total household is 7 persons. A couple years ago, my wife was complaining once again about someone using scissors and not bringing them back to their proper storage place. "How can we have 3 pair of scissors and none of them are here when I need to use one?" This didn't bother me but hearing her complain about it did both…

This is really smart. You're right we often fixate on "the principle of the matter" instead of just stepping back and looking for an easy solution and then moving on with our lives.

I find myself in situations like this myself, but on the observer's side. Often I swallow the impulse to ask "Well the problem was solved in 10 seconds, and you've now spent minutes venting about it, how is this at all constructive?" to my girlfriend. I've come to understand it is her makeup to need to vent about things like that rather than solve the problem and move on.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#258

Post by castlecrasher2 »

RobertRoberts wrote: post #235
belval wrote: post #227

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Honestly from the description you give, I wouldn't assign blame but it was probably the right call to break it off. 6 hours arguments that need to happen right now are a pretty big red flag...

I worked from home for many years (before it was popular) and I had a family too. This kind of things happened to me and my wife a lot, hours of arguing while I should have been working. You can work through it, you just have to care enough. We no longer have arguments longer than maybe 20 minutes now. It can just be personality types and where you are in life. But a valuable person in your life? You work through tha…

>You can work through it, you just have to care enough. We no longer have arguments longer than maybe 20 minutes now.

We went through the same. A few years of me getting my head on straight and not escalating fights so I could effectively communicate "I don't want to fight about this" and either "this isn't a criticism, this is something that's important to me" or "you're right, I'll start doing that" has made our fighting dry up almost entirely.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#259

Post by david-gpu »

DanHulton wrote: post #22

There is a whole other potential article out there that could be written from the ex-wife's side - "My marriage died because I couldn't make this one simple sacrifice". And I suspect both would just as incorrect, at least by omission. The glass thing is a useful article hook, but it's unlikely that it encompasses the sole reason their marriage fell apart. There is a deeper issue here, about neither side being willing…

> a really good relationship is a 60/40 compromise, where both sides are struggling to be the 60

Perhaps I'm misreading your comment, but in my experience feeling that you are doing most of the compromising can easily lead to resentment. Looking at things as a zero-sum game in which you are either compromising or getting things your way at a certain ratio is intrinsically competitive.

In my opinion, both in marriage and in other social settings, relationships grow stronger when both feel that they are working together towards a common goal that satisfies all parties. This takes more work than a simple "your way or my way" approach, but it leads to all parties feeling seen and heard (because they are!).

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#260

Post by cloudier »

krona wrote: post #246
cloudier wrote: post #223

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Exactly. If you intend to throw a ball to your dog but accidentally break a vase as a result, does your original intention absolve you from the consequences of your actions?

As though the thoughts and feelings of another person are as predictable and consequential as the laws of physics. I wish.

I agree that the thoughts and feelings of other people in general are difficult to predict. But a person you marry is often someone you spend a lot of time around and hence whose thoughts and feelings can be predicted to some extent - because you see them in different situations, then see their reactions and talk to them about their thoughts and feelings.

In this specific case, the author denies that the consequences existed:

> But that doesn’t make sense, I thought. I’m not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn’t feel hurt.

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