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A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
21–30 of 812 posts
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#22There is a whole other potential article out there that could be written from the ex-wife's side - "My marriage died because I couldn't make this one simple sacrifice".
And I suspect both would just as incorrect, at least by omission. The glass thing is a useful article hook, but it's unlikely that it encompasses the sole reason their marriage fell apart. There is a deeper issue here, about neither side being willing to sacrifice for the other that likely really lies at fault.
I like the idea that a really good relationship is a 60/40 compromise, where both sides are struggling to be the 60. It sounds like both sides of this marriage were struggling to be the 40.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#23It’s very simple. If something is minor for you but your partner prompts you extensively that it triggers them - change yourself. The willingness to listen and change yourself is what signals your love. Because everything else is much easier.
What if you are being triggered by the incessent whining over something trivial? That's emotional abuse. I wouldn't put up with that, this kind of stuff needs perspective. The only thing I got out of the article was that he was married to a control freak who liked to keep them off balance all the time.
Something that is trivial to one may be very large to another. There is a whole slew of reasons why but just because one partner deems something trivial the other may not agree. Some things may objectively be trivial but we are a complex species. The flip side of this argument is that if its so trivial for one, why don't they change the behavior for the other who deems it non trivial?
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#24Im 99% sure the wife in this story used the glass as an excuse to get out.
If youre happy with the life youve built together and love your partner theres no way you leave it over something like this.
I dont buy the "it shows disrespect" argument.
Shes going to be with somebody else in a years time.
But when youre in a bad situation and the other person isn't giving you a good reason to leave sometimes you have to get creative.
Ive done it, and its been done to me.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#25Earlier quoted context omitted.
What if you are being triggered by the incessent whining over something trivial? That's emotional abuse. I wouldn't put up with that, this kind of stuff needs perspective. The only thing I got out of the article was that he was married to a control freak who liked to keep them off balance all the time.
If you are triggered by anything it is something you need to ask yourself why. And why you are with that person then, if they are triggering you. With some (minor) exceptions, what people are getting in their relationships is at least 50% result of their own choices, and not owning that only prolongs the effects.
I cant think of worse relationship advise than be with someone who never triggers a negative response in you.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#26The Marriage Lesson today is not to get married.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#27Im 99% sure the wife in this story used the glass as an excuse to get out. If youre happy with the life youve built together and love your partner theres no way you leave it over something like this. I dont buy the "it shows disrespect" argument. Shes going to be with somebody else in a years time. But when youre in a bad situation and the other person isn't giving you a good reason to leave sometimes you have to get…
Yes. I've seen far more "looking for an excuse" divorces than not.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#28The problem in the case mentioned in the article was not with the writer that left the glass by the sink, it's with the other person that was bothered with something so minor...usually these minor things are excuses that cover deeper problems. Above all, marriage is a series of compromises: you give up something for something else. You can't have it all. Personally, I put up with my wife's problematic-for-me but not-…
Isn't that what the author is saying? The deeper problem was that the wife felt that the authors' inability to do something so simple for her sake was indicative of disrespect. Not acknowledging that your partner is worth a couple seconds of consideration is a pretty deep problem. The author probably demonstrated this disrespect in multiple ways, but the glass by the sink is a succinct way of summarizing the whole pr…
for some relationships, this is a signal of animal dominance basically.. "do it my way, because I say so" happens every day
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#29It’s very simple. If something is minor for you but your partner prompts you extensively that it triggers them - change yourself. The willingness to listen and change yourself is what signals your love. Because everything else is much easier.
“I like leaving my glass by the sink, but I know you really hate it. Tell you what, I’ll stop doing it (which is not a concession that it’s wrong) as an act of love for you.”
Then they express gratitude, and before you know it, you’ll get a favor like that back on something you really care about.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#30Im 99% sure the wife in this story used the glass as an excuse to get out. If youre happy with the life youve built together and love your partner theres no way you leave it over something like this. I dont buy the "it shows disrespect" argument. Shes going to be with somebody else in a years time. But when youre in a bad situation and the other person isn't giving you a good reason to leave sometimes you have to get…
He digs into his marriage a lot more in later blog posts: https://matthewfray.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/. I don't think she used it as an excuse at all, but he's more using this one frequent occurrence as a metaphor for the marriage.