Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

theatlantic.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

231–240 of 812 posts

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#231

Post by raydev »

DanHulton wrote: post #22

There is a whole other potential article out there that could be written from the ex-wife's side - "My marriage died because I couldn't make this one simple sacrifice". And I suspect both would just as incorrect, at least by omission. The glass thing is a useful article hook, but it's unlikely that it encompasses the sole reason their marriage fell apart. There is a deeper issue here, about neither side being willing…

> but it's unlikely that it encompasses the sole reason their marriage fell apart

And he says as much in the article. It's frustrating to read all these comments that are clearly written without reading the entire thing!

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#232

Post by stuckinhell »

Resentment can compound over small things, but I've also found from my friends failed marriages that physical attraction is big deal. One or both of the partners let themselves go physically.

Now we can't stop aging, but we shouldn't lie to ourselves that physical attractiveness doesn't matter.

The Halo effect is a real thing.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#233

Post by zcw100 »

My wife gave me a huge ration of shit the first year of our marriage for leaving a coffee mug in the sink and not putting it in the dishwasher then spent the next 10 years leaving dishes all over the house. It still pisses me off every single f-ing time I see one.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#235

Post by RobertRoberts »

belval wrote: post #227
pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

Honestly from the description you give, I wouldn't assign blame but it was probably the right call to break it off. 6 hours arguments that need to happen right now are a pretty big red flag...

I worked from home for many years (before it was popular) and I had a family too. This kind of things happened to me and my wife a lot, hours of arguing while I should have been working.

You can work through it, you just have to care enough. We no longer have arguments longer than maybe 20 minutes now. It can just be personality types and where you are in life.

But a valuable person in your life? You work through that stuff to keep them, even if it's hard.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#236

Post by GeoAtreides »

perpetuummobile wrote: post #93

I struggle with this myself. At the risk of sounding misogynistic: How come it’s always women who can’t deal with these “minor irritations”? I’ve never heard from any of my male friends complaining in this tack.

Boss, you also have your glass issue. We all have a small minor irritations that we just can't shake off. You're lucky your partner, for some reason, isn't poking your particular minor irritation. Or, maybe, your partner did poke it and you told them to stop and they stopped. If they continued you too would've left like the author's wife.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#237

Post by lotsofpulp »

RobertRoberts wrote: post #235
belval wrote: post #227

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Honestly from the description you give, I wouldn't assign blame but it was probably the right call to break it off. 6 hours arguments that need to happen right now are a pretty big red flag...

I worked from home for many years (before it was popular) and I had a family too. This kind of things happened to me and my wife a lot, hours of arguing while I should have been working. You can work through it, you just have to care enough. We no longer have arguments longer than maybe 20 minutes now. It can just be personality types and where you are in life. But a valuable person in your life? You work through tha…

I would start billing my own children if arguments lasted hours.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#238

Post by rhacker »

stuckinhell wrote: post #232

Resentment can compound over small things, but I've also found from my friends failed marriages that physical attraction is big deal. One or both of the partners let themselves go physically. Now we can't stop aging, but we shouldn't lie to ourselves that physical attractiveness doesn't matter. The Halo effect is a real thing.

Well I think that a lot of people that suddenly divorce and marry younger see the following:

Wow this new person is stupid, I miss intelligence.

And often - whoa, she's yelling at me for the same things. It wasn't the aging that made her this way, it was me.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#239

Post by nvusuvu »

giantg2 wrote: post #130
xorcist wrote: post #126

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Acting as if the tea was the core of the problem here is a sure way to get nowhere.

What do you mean?

Its not just the tea. She's got needs that aren't being met. Best advice is to reflect back what she has said to try to understand what needs of hers aren't being met." Perhaps to your wife you could say the following 'Are you feeling angry because you have the need for more say in our relationship?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#240

Post by 62951413 »

epicureanideal wrote: post #175

The most important marriage lesson is: don’t get married. The person you marry is not the person you divorce. You can lose a huge amount of money battling it out even if YOU bend over backwards to be reasonable. If you want to flip a coin to see if you lose ten years of earnings, then marriage is for you.

It's factually correct though you need to replace "can" with "will", especially in states like CA. Make no mistake, the discrimination is systemic. So it's not just you who is unlucky and you won't find a loophole just because you're clever.

And it's all fun and games until you're about 40. At which point a man needs a family to take care of. So it's the most existential catch 22 situation in your life. You cannot win but you have to play.

Post reply on HN