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Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

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Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#341

Post by escapedmoose »

I learned to take control of my extreme blushing by, strangely enough, looking people in the eye. I used to always avoid eye-contact, and that makes it easy to forget that you’re talking to a real, fallible person. Looking someone in the eye helps remind me that they probably feel a bit awkward too… especially when I’m giving them the stare-down as I will myself not to blush lol. I still blush sometimes, but not nearly so often as I did before.

As for my uncontrollable sweating in social situations though, I haven’t found the cure.

Edit to add that I also developed posture-related neck problems which required physical therapy in which I learned to stand up straight. Now I have to stand straight or else the neck issues come back. And I feel like it’s really boosted my confidence. Even if I don’t necessarily feel socially acclimated, I’m often standing straighter than anyone in the room (because I have to), and I know that gives off the impression of confidence, which makes me feel it.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#342

Post by majormajor »

laurent92 wrote: post #183
varrock wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ironically, I have done exactly the two tips you mentioned, and I can confidently say that my life has changed drastically. In fact, so much so, that when I catch up with people who knew me even two years ago, they usually make a comment. One thing I was initially afraid of when deciding to move was “running away from my problems” only to realize I’m in the exact same situation as before. Well, that was actually very…

If it took only 2 years, it was easy. I’ve travelled around the world and did most of the possible side quests, including the workout phase, the guitar phase, the charity/vegan phase, the millionaire phase, and I’m still transparent to women. And I’ve grown bitter. I did everything I could. I’d say “please, help” but to be honest, I’ve grown too bitter to hear the advice. It’s a game designed to make me lose, I’m nei…

You describe an approach to dating that sounds like you're playing a video game and everyone else is an NPC. It's not about ticking achievements off a box. You're playing the race card, but I'm pretty positive that there are countless white males less successful than a claimed fit millionaire guitar-playing you who somehow have found relationships! If you could somehow change your skin color you'd have the same problems because that's no more a meaningful change for building strong relationships than playing guitar or working out.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#344

Post by ARandomerDude »

scarface74 wrote: post #291
creata wrote: post #205

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness Doesn't seem like you do (given that you do exactly that in the same sentence).

The cold hard truth that I realized I long time ago is what I call the “two strikes rule”. When you are short (as am I), you already have two strikes against you in society. You can’t be “short and” - short and broke, short and mean, short and shy, short and fat (which I was until I was 18).

Napoleon was short. He did alright.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#345

Post by SamPatt »

chousuke wrote: post #243
DarkContinent wrote: post #127

Earlier quoted context omitted.

+1 to worrying less about what other people think of you. Ironically, this caring less can actually make people like you more (because you seem more confident).

How do you stop caring? I would give nearly anything for this superpower. Even obviously completely insignificant moments that matter to no-one can stick with me for days, and some stay with me for years , bubbling up and causing anxiety or low mood out of nowhere. No amount of rational analysis or forced positive thinking seems to help.

For me it was a combination of having achieved some amount of success (physical, financial, career) and also some humbling failure.

Basically I learned I'm not so bad, and I'm not a great man either. I'm good enough. I don't hurt other people.

I like myself, and when you genuinely like yourself then other people's opinions aren't quite as important. Nearly everyone responds positively when you aren't seeking other's approval (but are still kind).

I suspect this comes with age for a lot of people. Didn't happen for me until my 30s. Losing weight and getting into shape was a huge catalyst, I highly recommend it.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#346

Post by HEmanZ »

These comments make me feel like I'm getting old, which is weird to me. There are so many proactive comments that remind me of my 18 year old self.

Social awkwardness, for me and for a lot of people I know, sort of just vanished with age. - The same kind of weird, unexplainable, vicious attitude that passes for cool among teenagers and some early adults fades for most people. The people who still adhere to that code go off and form their own cliques and you just don't see them anymore. - Real adulthood is simpler socially. With personal stability (job, hobbies, network, etc.) and age you care less and less what people think and put less emphasis on what people think about you. - At the same time, you judge people less and less because, what does your judgment really matter? And when you judge people less you judge yourself less. - A lot of awkwardness is a function of trying hard to fit a social shape and failing. When you let go of most social expectations of yourself and others, in my experience mostly because of age and stability, you lose the awkwardness.

If you really need help with social anxiety I have heard that there are psychologists who are good at treating it, although I have never used one myself.

Take some comfort in knowing that it will probably pass with time.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#347

Post by jmcgough »

_asli wrote: post #87

Ecstasy. I had massive problems speaking with people. I ended up going to a rave with some friends, took some molly, had an amazing time talking to people and then realized that if I could do that with a drug then I could probably do it without a drug. (I haven’t done e in over a decade). I still had some issues with public speaking so during my mba I forced myself to give every presentation possible. This largely so…

This was my first thought too, though not the only part of the puzzle for me. There was actually a study put out by MAPS recently where they found that MDMA can be effective in treating social anxiety for people on the autism spectrum.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#348

Post by _asli »

netizen-936824 wrote: post #198
spicybright wrote: post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same. Can't wait for this stuff to be studied and legalized at least for meditional use over the next 20 years (if we're being realistic on timelines for this)

It needs to be fully legalized, along with all other drugs. Prohibition only makes things worse

Decriminalized, probably. But I really don’t want to live in a world where heroin is advertised and marketed without restriction. At least not until we figure out how to make humans less fucking stupid when it comes to things that can addict us for life.

I mean, can you imagine if McDonalds marketing budget was spent pushing meth instead?

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#349

Post by water8 »

hsuduebc2 wrote: post #321
water8 wrote: post #306

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ecstasy is meth dude, it ruins a lot of peoples lives. I’ve seen it happen so maybe you’re personally responsible but there’s a lot of freaking people that aren’t. You can destroy their lies if they try your advice and it doesn’t work out

No. Ecstasy is not a meth. Ecstasy is different substance with different effects. Ecstasy/MDMA: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/MDMA Meth: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methamphetamine Ecstasy(MDMA) was like magic for the first time. It certainly should be taken only on special occasions but having molly with your loved one is beautiful experience.

No post body was provided.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#350

Post by water8 »

_asli wrote: post #340
water8 wrote: post #306

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ecstasy is meth dude, it ruins a lot of peoples lives. I’ve seen it happen so maybe you’re personally responsible but there’s a lot of freaking people that aren’t. You can destroy their lies if they try your advice and it doesn’t work out

Ecstasy is NOT meth. Meth will most likely ruin your life and you will want more and more. MDMA is simply not very fun if you try taking it over and over again. It stops working and you just feel shitty for longer and longer periods without any feeling of getting high. The problem is that a lot of molly that is sold today is full of things other than mdma. Meth is one of those things. You should absolutely use a test…

Repeat after me:

Methylene Dioxy Meth Amphetamine

I’m sure that methamphetamine molecule just vanishes somewhere during digestion

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