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Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

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Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#291

Post by scarface74 »

creata wrote: post #205
perardi wrote: post #135

Practice. Practice practice practice. Which sounds daunting, but… …now, I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness, but…let’s take a look at me in 2008 versus 2021. https://imgur.com/7sR0qKt Can you infer I might have been awkward? Because I was awkward. Always had been, and in a lot of ways, I am still am. But I am vastly better than I used to be. And it was practice. Slow, slow, slow practice.…

> I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness Doesn't seem like you do (given that you do exactly that in the same sentence).

The cold hard truth that I realized I long time ago is what I call the “two strikes rule”. When you are short (as am I), you already have two strikes against you in society.

You can’t be “short and” - short and broke, short and mean, short and shy, short and fat (which I was until I was 18).

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#292

Post by dev_tty01 »

dm03514 wrote: post #290

1. I’d bet money that your voice change is not noticeable from the outside, and it’s something you are feeling internally, but other people really can’t even notice. Also, If you’re meeting someone for the first time they have no idea what your voice sounds like! The reason I’m saying this is because I’m Guessing you’re putting extreme pressure on yourself and creating a positive feedback loop for something that no o…

> 3. One of the biggest things to help me was realizing that no one actually cares what I’m saying or how I come across...

Reminds me of a saying: In your 20s you worry what people are thinking about you. In your 30s you don't care what people think. In your 40s you realize that no one is (or was) thinking about you.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#293

Post by aqme28 »

laurent92 wrote: post #183
varrock wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ironically, I have done exactly the two tips you mentioned, and I can confidently say that my life has changed drastically. In fact, so much so, that when I catch up with people who knew me even two years ago, they usually make a comment. One thing I was initially afraid of when deciding to move was “running away from my problems” only to realize I’m in the exact same situation as before. Well, that was actually very…

If it took only 2 years, it was easy. I’ve travelled around the world and did most of the possible side quests, including the workout phase, the guitar phase, the charity/vegan phase, the millionaire phase, and I’m still transparent to women. And I’ve grown bitter. I did everything I could. I’d say “please, help” but to be honest, I’ve grown too bitter to hear the advice. It’s a game designed to make me lose, I’m nei…

BALM?

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#294

Post by [deleted] »

MrVandemar wrote: post #253
kaba0 wrote: post #189

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I would be very interested in any tips regarding improving one’s speech skills. I am way too prone to talking too fast to the point where I have sometimes trouble forming words and any like “I didn’t get that” makes me more anxious increasing my rate of mistakes. But strangely it largely creeped up to me when I was around 20ish years old, while my teenage anxiety largely diminished.

There's a free short course on Udemy somewhere from Peter Barker who is a professional voice over artist. That's worth looking up - there's a section that covers correcting and improving a lot of common speech problems, from stuttering, talking too fast, mumbling, and how to improve the resonance of your voice. Might be worth a look.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#295

Post by scarface74 »

tomcam wrote: post #53
holler wrote: post #25

Learning to small talk is one of the most valuable skills a person can have in life and will allow you to connect with more people than you thought possible. It all starts with very basic cues and the great thing is you can practice each and every day. Start off by simply looking at e.g. the cashier at the store and ask "how's your day going?", or make a small quip about the weather e.g. "it sure is cold today, can't…

The phrase “small talk“ pains me. I never ask a question for which I am not interested in the answer, and I think if you listen carefully before you say something about the weather you might hear something deep and genuine that you would have otherwise missed. Now I usually do ask how the other person is, but I am always listening for the real answer. I never ask it without wanting to hear what they say. (And if I’m…

I travel a lot for business and end up riding Uber a lot. I go out of my way to stroke up conversations with the Uber drivers. I ask them about their music. How long they have been in the city. Some spots to visit. How they like driving for Uber.

The last question sparks a lot of conversations. Many do it just as a side gig and for flexibility. It’s the only time that you get to talk to complete strangers while they are work for a prolong period of time.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#296

Post by lee »

_asli wrote: post #87

Ecstasy. I had massive problems speaking with people. I ended up going to a rave with some friends, took some molly, had an amazing time talking to people and then realized that if I could do that with a drug then I could probably do it without a drug. (I haven’t done e in over a decade). I still had some issues with public speaking so during my mba I forced myself to give every presentation possible. This largely so…

I developed my social skills in a similar fashion.

I was incredibly closed off as a teenager and shy. Almost to the point of crippling social anxiety. I remember feeling anxiety even interacting with the cashier at McDonald's.

I was 19 when I went to a rave and took MDMA for the first time and it completely opened me up. I became incredibly social in that moment, talking to strangers, having a good time, and opening up emotionally. That enabled me to take more baby steps in social interactions and develop socially.

Magic mushrooms also seemed to allow me to open up. Both drugs have had positive lasting effects on me. I had stopped taking them in my early 20s, but have started experimenting with magic mushrooms again as someone in their late 30s. The shrooms renewed my openness to others.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#297

Post by lee »

water8 wrote: post #263
_asli wrote: post #196

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> But none of those drugs will result in the long-term change that you’re looking for I mean, it literally did, and I stated as such. Obviously the drug itself was not enough. The scenario and the realization afterword also mattered. But without mdma my life would likely have been very different. Also, unlike cocaine etc. mdma isn’t addictive - taking more and more of it just results in you feeling shittier for longe…

Let’s not advocate schedule one controlled substances as the solution Even though it probably works

US drug scheduling is incredibly political and does not reflect how harmful a drug is.

As an example, cocaine is a schedule 2 drug but magic mushrooms, which has the lowest potential for harm (even lower than caffeine), is a schedule 1 drug.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#298

Post by kwere »

creata wrote: post #205
perardi wrote: post #135

Practice. Practice practice practice. Which sounds daunting, but… …now, I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness, but…let’s take a look at me in 2008 versus 2021. https://imgur.com/7sR0qKt Can you infer I might have been awkward? Because I was awkward. Always had been, and in a lot of ways, I am still am. But I am vastly better than I used to be. And it was practice. Slow, slow, slow practice.…

> I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness Doesn't seem like you do (given that you do exactly that in the same sentence).

should he have designed a social graph? /s

i think his demenaour is selfdescribing

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#299

Post by haliskerbas »

scarface74 wrote: post #291
creata wrote: post #205

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness Doesn't seem like you do (given that you do exactly that in the same sentence).

The cold hard truth that I realized I long time ago is what I call the “two strikes rule”. When you are short (as am I), you already have two strikes against you in society. You can’t be “short and” - short and broke, short and mean, short and shy, short and fat (which I was until I was 18).

Not with that attitude my friend.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#300

Post by soueuls »

Not gonna be a popular answer but I will say it nonetheless.

I used to be fairly shy, especially with the other sex, of course. But in my personal life with family and friends I was fairly normal, it was just shyness and a lack of confidence while surrounded by others.

I cured myself through ego, a bit of arrogance and blunt thoughts about women, discovering what I value and I what I don't in the process.

1. I spent several days looking at people (high school) and tried to look at them objectively (without paying much attention to how popular they were)

2. I realized most people were fairly mediocre (in the sense, they were not accomplishing much, not really smart), I had absolutely no reasons to be ashamed or unconfident in the face of people that were not faring any better than I did.

3. As for women, I just humanized them (sounds very obvious but well, I was young). After all, they also go to toilet, they have their own dreams shattered, grand ambitions, false hope, small moment of joy. And no matter how pretty they are, from time to time, when the night comes, they are alone in bed, questioning their existence, life choices, remembering their mistakes and crying out of sadness and lost ones.

After this moment, I started to see others and women as more or less similar to myself. I had a good idea of what I valued (intelligence, provocative thoughts), and I what I did not really value (popularity contest, amassing lots of things, the latest gadgets, new clothes, etc).

As soon as I established myself, I did not try to compete, stopped seeing women as magical creatures, did not care about being "popular" and started making friends with people, who shared common values.

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