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Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

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Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#251

Post by 0xcde4c3db »

MarkusWandel wrote: post #136

Decades of practice. What comes naturally to the neurotypicals at age 14, may take until middle age for a geek to learn by trial and painful error. Unfortunately where interaction with the attractive gender is concerned, awkwardness and painful error may be judged very harshly indeed, these days. Accepting yourself as you are is required. Get over thinking you need to turn yourself into someone different. It took unt…

I've likewise gotten better with decades of practice, but my biggest problem seems to be that my brain simply doesn't have enough overall "social bandwidth" to function normally in-person interactions. If I'm paying attention to your body language or tone of voice or gaze, I'm not paying attention to your words, and vice versa. None of it ever became "automatic" like it seems to be for most people.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#252

Post by stellar678 »

cj wrote: post #164
_asli wrote: post #87

Ecstasy. I had massive problems speaking with people. I ended up going to a rave with some friends, took some molly, had an amazing time talking to people and then realized that if I could do that with a drug then I could probably do it without a drug. (I haven’t done e in over a decade). I still had some issues with public speaking so during my mba I forced myself to give every presentation possible. This largely so…

Quoted post unavailable.

There's active research suggesting that taking MDMA re-opens "critical period" learning where you lay down reward circuitry relating to the value of social interaction. It's potentially a way to have a do-over of important developmental social experiences. Apparently more than a party drug!

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/04/190404094832.h...

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#253

Post by MrVandemar »

kaba0 wrote: post #189
akhmatova wrote: post #23

Throwing myself out there, getting rejected and snubbed otherwise slapped around a lot .. until I slowly started to figure out how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them. Among the things we learn is -- that we are much more "plastic" (and able to change by sheer force of will) than we initially thought. Things like hygiene, posture, clarity of speech (such that people can at least understand us) and…

I would be very interested in any tips regarding improving one’s speech skills. I am way too prone to talking too fast to the point where I have sometimes trouble forming words and any like “I didn’t get that” makes me more anxious increasing my rate of mistakes. But strangely it largely creeped up to me when I was around 20ish years old, while my teenage anxiety largely diminished.

There's a free short course on Udemy somewhere from Peter Barker who is a professional voice over artist. That's worth looking up - there's a section that covers correcting and improving a lot of common speech problems, from stuttering, talking too fast, mumbling, and how to improve the resonance of your voice. Might be worth a look.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#254

Post by kbot65 »

Honestly...weekends rolling on ecstacy in the early 2000's party scene. Every time i took MDMA made me feel and act much like a non-shy person, and, with habitual use, was an excellent teacher of lessons I could carry into everyday life.

It also made my stutter almost disappear. I don't know of any academic research of MDMA and treatment of stutterint, but there are other anecdotes such as a mention of thid in Alexandre Shulgin's PIHKAL.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#255

Post by correstco »

Here are two simple things I’ve been told which had a big impact on me:

* If you struggle with conversations and small talk all you need to do is ask questions. An entire conversation can be you asking a question, listening, and asking another question to what they just said and repeat.

The more someone talks during a conversation, the better they feel the conversation went. If you meet someone for the first time, ask questions, let them talk a ton and they will likely feel the conversation was enjoyable.

* Go to a place like a coffee shop or conference or park and sit for an hour and just watch people. You notice that no one cares. And I mean that in a good way. No one cares what anyone else does. A really shy and awkward person could walk into a coffee shop and feel super awkward about waiting in line and then mumble his order and fumble with his wallet and worry that everyone else is looking and judging them. But truth is no one cares. So don’t worry about random strangers.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#256

Post by MarkusWandel »

0xcde4c3db wrote: post #251
MarkusWandel wrote: post #136

Decades of practice. What comes naturally to the neurotypicals at age 14, may take until middle age for a geek to learn by trial and painful error. Unfortunately where interaction with the attractive gender is concerned, awkwardness and painful error may be judged very harshly indeed, these days. Accepting yourself as you are is required. Get over thinking you need to turn yourself into someone different. It took unt…

I've likewise gotten better with decades of practice, but my biggest problem seems to be that my brain simply doesn't have enough overall "social bandwidth" to function normally in-person interactions. If I'm paying attention to your body language or tone of voice or gaze, I'm not paying attention to your words, and vice versa. None of it ever became "automatic" like it seems to be for most people.

In my case something that happens sometimes: Meet someone new, usually the very high social skill kind that can charm anyone into instantly feeling they're their best friend, and have a long, stimulating conversation. A few days later I've forgotten all about it.

A year later, someone I've never met before (right?) hails me and knows all about me. Super awkward. Because they remember it all, effortlessly. Whereas I, social dues paid, forgot all about it again.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#257

Post by marktangotango »

holler wrote: post #61
tomcam wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The phrase “small talk“ pains me. I never ask a question for which I am not interested in the answer, and I think if you listen carefully before you say something about the weather you might hear something deep and genuine that you would have otherwise missed. Now I usually do ask how the other person is, but I am always listening for the real answer. I never ask it without wanting to hear what they say. (And if I’m…

Salient point about listening/reading their response, another tool in the social/life tool belt. Re: weather, its not really about that, it's just opening the door that more often than not leads to a pleasant, random conversation with a total stranger.

I believe the significance or relevance of the "weather topic" depends on location. There are some places where the weather never really changes, and is indeed unremarkable, like southern California. But some regions can have drastic changes in weather, and some places the weather can kill. For example in the midwest US the weather can go from blizzard conditions to sunny and warm in 24 hours or a strong storm can destroy crops and ruin livelyhoods for thousands of farms. In tornado alley a "pop up" severe thunderstorm can throw off tornadoes and level towns. As someone who's lost family members to tornadoes, the weather is a topic I'm interested in.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#258

Post by tyroh »

Surround yourself with good supportive people and avoid those who put you down.

In my younger years, you can't avoid the people who tend to project their insecurities on you: bullies, primadonnas, etc. Schools and workplaces are mixed bags, where often people make friends based on superficial characteristics.

Places where I found supportive people: * Startup scene * Church groups * Tech groups * Mentorship groups

These folks helped me see life in a more balanced way. People aren't out to get you, they are just thinking about how others think about themselves. Same as you.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#259

Post by daniel-cussen »

> It's common to advise hitting on the gym, which I just started doing last week. Funnily, the gym is the place where I last noticed my awkward behavior :)

Funny, gyms are really much less judgmental than many other places--like bars a bit, but moreso elite college classrooms--in that hey, every strongman was once a skinny little dude, those early stages of building up that first muscle are really hard, there's easy gainer fat men and hard gainer guys with perma-sixpacks. Really a lot of tolerance. And funny enough, the really gigantic guys mostly don't want to say anything--one gym had celebrity athletes in it, it was rude to go up and talk--but sometimes they're super nice guys, in some cases because they sell steroids, but that doesn't take away their super-sweet positive disposition.

The gym can be anywhere. Unless of course it's a gym that makes its money from the subscription and getting nobody to go, like those places full of mirrors and shit. Ask yourself when entering a gym: is this fit for a Rocky movie? Those are the best ones, there's lots in Santiago, crazy cheap and the weights weigh the same as at an expensive gym, same metric system. The poverty of the gym will make you better. The expensive gyms have their appeal, the equipment is really good a lot of the time, and in one gym in Santiago I found a tibialis machine, which I've never found anywhere else but like anywhere anywhere, not even in the gyms at Stanford...maybe the football team has one, but I doubt it. I won bouts thanks to that training, because my tibialis was too strong for an ankle lock.

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