These things always come across as people being surprised humans aren't just super smart chat bots. Who cares if a friendly greeting adds 2 minutes
Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)
311–320 of 391 posts
Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)
#312Yes, this, 100%. I find it very annoying to get a notification popping up on my screen for you to say "hi" when obviously you want to ask me for something...and then you don't ask or say anything else until I stop what I'm doing and say "Hi! What's up?" back to you. After another 5-10 minutes of waiting for you to see me ask "what's up?" and then type out what is up, which we all knew you were going to end up doing a…
I had one person send "hi" to me. I ignored it hoping they'd send the question eventually without me saying "hi" back. After 30 mins they sent "hi" again...
I think from now on I'm just going to ignore it from the people who do it all the time. They won't get a response unless they actually tell me what they want.
Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)
#313Earlier quoted context omitted.
I loathe phatic expressions in general, but yeah, over chat with someone you don't know is about as bad as it gets. It would be great if people actually meant the question, but they almost never do.
"How are you doing?", 90% of the time it's said, is social coding for either "I exist, acknowledge me before I continue" or "I see you exist, may I continue?" It's literally the human equivalent of a file existence check.
I totally get that, and as someone who grew up in LA I'm accustomed to a frequency of pretense. To me personally, "how are you" and "what's up" are complicated questions no matter what mood I'm in. Where I live, if you respond with anything other than "good" or "great", they look at you funny even if they know you. Heaven forbid saying you're just "okay", because then you might need to see a therapist. /s
Besides, not every culture uses phatic expressions all the time and somehow their civilizations don't collapse. It's a matter of taste, and I'm not a fan.
Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)
#314Earlier quoted context omitted.
Pet peeves are anxieties that haven't been properly dealt with yet. I'd encourage folks to mute the notifications at the OS level and habitually check your chat app as an alternative. The key cause is often the notifications themselves and some are more sensitive to them than others.
I would 100% miss messages that way, so it's not an option. But honestly, the anxiety isn't about the notifications (although those are annoying). It's about how if someone says "hi" without any info, then I say "hi" back and now I have to wait for a response before I even know if I can help or not. The anxiety is about time management, not notification toasts.
You don't have to sit and watch the screen for a response. Reply with 'hi' and go back to whatever you were doing and ignore it until you're ready to answer it.
Maybe you are in an environment where everyone needs a fast reply from you and your undivided attention, in which case, I don't think it'd be unreasonable to link them nohello.net as your first reply.
Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)
#315It is just part of a human-centric session initiation protocol. A major reason people do it is to query presence-at-keyboard before continuing. Maybe the matter is time sensitive, maybe they don't want to disclose something immediately without setting context, finding something out first, whatever.
> It is just part of a human-centric session initiation protocol.
It is the session initiation protocol for face-to-face communication. If you straight approach someone off in their own la-la land with a question, chances are they won't even hear it. "Hello" attracts their attention first.
Chat does not have that problem. If they are not paying attention at the time, they can read the question later. It does not disappear after it is stated.
Different tools for different jobs.
> Maybe the matter is time sensitive, maybe they don't want to disclose something immediately without setting context, finding something out first, whatever.
Still no reason to not provide some kind of meaningful background,
* "My computer won't turn on and I have a presentation in a few minutes. Can you help me with it? If I don't hear from you soon I will try Joe."
* "I have a sensitive matter to discuss with you that I cannot divulge until you have read the email from Mary. Please let me know when you've had a chance to do that."
* "What do you think about X? After you let me know I'll fill you in on Y."
Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)
#316Earlier quoted context omitted.
Just because the chat app shows that you are logged in, it does not mean that you are immediately available to chat. If I want to leave a message for someone with a response accepted at their convenience, then I send an email. If I reach out via chat, it's because I expect a realtime exchange. Again, because the little green dot appears next to user's name does not mean they are not deep in the tall grass and readily…
“ If I reach out via chat, it's because I expect a realtime exchange. ” I don’t make that assumption. My company is distributed across the globe. Some teams are offset by 12.5 hours. For someone not collocated, chat (via Slack) is closer to email except more focused. I expect people to response to chats “at their earliest convenience”. If they are in different time zones, we try to pack as much into each response to…
Same here. My team has people across the US and also in India. Timezones are a definite consideration.
Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)
#317I use this link often. I'll respond to a "hi" with "hey, what's up", and turn the text into a link to this site, like [hey, what's up?]( https://nohello.net/en/ ) (I know markup links don't work here, but that's even better as an example). I've "trained" most people who do this to just keep going and ask their questions, rather than waiting for me to respond. Though unfortunately they mostly still break that up into…
It works but probably comes out as rude in a lot of cultures.
Which is unfortunate, but I don't feel that bad about coming across as rude while telling someone that I found what they did rude.
Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)
#318I feel like this is a carryover from text messaging, where people ask things like “Hey! What’s new?”
Personally, I also hate that kind of text interaction. I vastly prefer a phone call for catching up, because at least each party’s attention is fully on each other and there’s a defined end to the conversation. I’m probably in a shrinking minority with that opinion, having grown up in a time when phone calls were ubiquitous. But when someone’s glued to their phone because they don’t want to be perceived as replying too slowly, what’s the point of texting?
Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)
#319Earlier quoted context omitted.
Hostile? What, are they going to break down your door and beat you? If they say mean words when you ask a question just close the channel and try somewhere else. I'm well aware you might think I'm proving your point with this response.
> I'm well aware you might think I'm proving your point with this response. You are correct. Your comment was mean. Not even sure why you responded aggressively. Hostile is perfectly correct word to describe some online communities. Do you think the word "hostile" only applies when you meet people physically?
> Do you think the word "hostile" only applies when you meet people physically?
Not literally, no. But if someone is mean to you in a chat channel you just close it and poof it's gone. It's as hostile as someone just not liking you. That's what I meant. In a busy chat channel asking to ask or testing the waters is just spammy and most people will just ignore a vague, pointless question like "is anyone around?"
Just ask your question. Worst case scenario people say mean stuff and you just leave and try somewhere else. I've done that when people just ignore my question or give glib replies. Then I go ask somewhere else.
FWIW I didn't think I was being aggressive, but thought it might be interpreted that way since disagreement online often is. Maybe I'm showing my hand here but I really can't tell what was mean about it.
Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)
#320Earlier quoted context omitted.
I say just 'Hello', if I suspect that asking my question outright, would get me delayed attention.
...so, if you think the person is reluctant to help you with something, your solution is to get them into a conversation unknowingly about the thing they can't/won't help you with?
Sometimes people are apprehensive to say that they don't know. They will start searching, trying to figure out if they should know, if they forgot something, etc. Plus, sometimes it takes other person's involvement (so we are on the same page) to get the right answer.