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Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

dontasktoask.com

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Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#31

Post by dustingetz »

corobo wrote: post #9

This feels like one of those internet rules that stems from a neurodiverse IRC-type crowd Neurotypical people use this sort of social foreplay as a way to handshake a conversation[1], where the tech types want an input/output process devoid of mood and feeling It is silly and quite time wasting online too, but it's what they need to feel comfortable asking you questions. I figure if they need to adapt to some of my q…

it’s also a law of power, by asking a small question first it forces them to either be rude and ignore you or be gracious and engage, and once engaged you ask a larger question (when it's even ruder to ignore you). Political donation drives, for example, start you off with a $5 donation. obviously the social rules are different in async modes.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#32

Post by IgorPartola »

thenerdhead wrote: post #28

This advice applies best in business settings. Business is transactional and it's very rare that someone wants to "get to know you". Those who do, will let you know by getting more involved or talking to you outside of these types of requests, not just out of the blue. I'm a huge fan of no hello & "just ask" in our future world of async work. https://sbmueller.github.io/nohello/

The opposite applies in interpersonal relationships. There you should ask to ask every time:

“Hey John can I ask you about your ex Gina? If now is not a good time, let me know when.”

John might not want to talk about Gina. Or he might not want to talk about an emotional issue before a big meeting at work. Or he might want to know what exactly you want to know and establish parameters of the conversation before diving into it.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#34

Post by jagged-chisel »

bluefirebrand wrote: post #22
corobo wrote: post #9

This feels like one of those internet rules that stems from a neurodiverse IRC-type crowd Neurotypical people use this sort of social foreplay as a way to handshake a conversation[1], where the tech types want an input/output process devoid of mood and feeling It is silly and quite time wasting online too, but it's what they need to feel comfortable asking you questions. I figure if they need to adapt to some of my q…

For me it's not because I want an input/output type conversation, it's because I want to maintain asynchronous conversation. If I reply "I'm fine thanks how are you" then you know I'm here and looking, you've forced me to into a synchronous conversation and now I will appear rude if I don't immediately answer your "I just have a quick question" If you just post your question upfront, I can read it and prioritize it m…

I'm the 'engineer' side of the equation. But often I need async interaction with various others. So I just combine it all in one message:

Hey, Jo! I just have a quick question for when you have a moment:

And leave it. I'll ping Jo again at a time interval depending on urgency - sometime this sprint? I'll remind about the message in a couple days. Need it today? I indicate that when I ask, and about 4hrs later I'll poke a bit to see where we are.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#35

Post by hermannj314 »

ganzuul wrote: post #24

Why are people feeling like they need to ask to ask you?

It probably goes back to the Usenet days where the group on C++ was absolutely horrific to developers because they were only there to discuss the language specification and you asked a question about implementation or whatever the hell their tribal rules were.

I think many of us are still scared shitless we are going to be verbally abused for asking for help in the wrong room so we hide behind conversational formality- like asking for permission to be heard.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#37

Post by ehnto »

smcl wrote: post #5
eimrine wrote: post #2

https://nohello.net/en/

I want one of these sites for this flow-destroying scenario: Bob: Hi Me: hey Bob. What can I do for you? (Five minutes later) Bob: how are you? Me: I’m ok Bob. What do you need? (Five minutes later) Bob: Do you know much about the daily Foo sync task? That “how are you” gets me because its meant to be polite but it has the exact opposite effect. It’s funny because developers are often characterised as lacking social…

That reminds me of the time someone sent me a screenshot of the homepage of the website, and the email just said "please fix". I will get right on that.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#38

Post by nkrisc »

vymague wrote: post #36

It's complaining for the sake of complaining. Sometimes you need to test the water first. Some online communities are rather hostile after all. As shown by this silly website.

Hostile? What, are they going to break down your door and beat you? If they say mean words when you ask a question just close the channel and try somewhere else. I'm well aware you might think I'm proving your point with this response.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#39

Post by ddaalluu2 »

corobo wrote: post #9

This feels like one of those internet rules that stems from a neurodiverse IRC-type crowd Neurotypical people use this sort of social foreplay as a way to handshake a conversation[1], where the tech types want an input/output process devoid of mood and feeling It is silly and quite time wasting online too, but it's what they need to feel comfortable asking you questions. I figure if they need to adapt to some of my q…

It does stem from IRC. But I can't remeber where it was that I first read that rule and the link to this domain
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