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Self-improvement is embracing your messy, imperfect life

theguardian.com

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Re: Self-improvement is embracing your messy, imperfect life

#41

Post by watwut »

throwawaysea wrote: post #8
GavinMcG wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

...that quote doesn't say "never change." It says that "look[ing] at what we need to thrive" is a "more likely" way to change, rather than trying to "look at what we need to...change."

It says “rather than change”. Doesn’t that preclude change? I interpreted it as accepting flaws and looking to “thrive” in other means that don’t involve fixing those flaws.

Also from article: "When you no longer imagine you must transform yourself, in order to justify your existence on the planet, you’re finally able to do so, in small ways and large. The stakes are lower, now that your self-worth no longer hangs in the balance."

You think about what would improve your life instead of focusing on own flaws. Then do the baby step of improving something in your life and if it feels better, then you succeeded. You end up doing steps to change and liking the road.

Re: Self-improvement is embracing your messy, imperfect life

#42

Post by timmb »

I blitzed through the author’s book 4000 Weeks (on audiobook) earlier this week and it was excellent. It addresses many of the objections to commenters here better than might fit into the Guardian article.

One of the main points I took from it is that a failure to acknowledge your limits can actually undermine what you’re trying to achieve. For example, deferring the things that truly matter to you (personal projects, time with family) until you’ve got a hold of your endless todo list will lead to a life perpetually yearning for a fantasy future where everything is somehow under control.

Similarly (my example), fixate on finding a romantic partner to the point where you make yourself miserable until you succeed and you may find your despair makes it harder to connect with new people.

The key message for me is that this day today is your life. Work hard towards your goals but remember to enjoy that journey.

Re: Self-improvement is embracing your messy, imperfect life

#43

Post by toshk »

It ends with a zen quote. The point of zen, and other form of buddhism is often misunderstood.

A simple way of describing one of the core teaching of buddhism is one of the main reason we suffer is: We are constantly neurotically pulling for what we want, and pushing away what we don't want.

It means as a juggles we are constantly trying to juggle our live into a state from where we think will be fullfilled. For example once I create this successful company, not feel hungry, then I will experience meaning satisfaction. Or when Im loved, or when I have a beer etc...

It's a never ending neurotic cycle. And the West is especially good at it by being extremely success focused.

Buddhism gives you tools to break this habit, and allows for meaning to be experienced in every moment (without this forced concept of YOU HAVE TO BE MINDFULL).

This doesn't mean you don't have all these personal things that should and can be improved, but the neurotic unhapiness leaves the experience of it.

It's often interesting to see intitially buddhist techniques, like meditations, being only used in a success/goal oriented mindset: will make you more productive, succesfull etc. where only a small benefit of the initial exercise remains.

Re: Self-improvement is embracing your messy, imperfect life

#44

Post by jacksonkmarley »

If you can give up on solving the problems in your life and still lead a good life, maybe you are quite lucky.

But fighting to change yourself and improve may not be something people can or should just give up on if the consequences of not changing are sufficiently serious.

Re: Self-improvement is embracing your messy, imperfect life

#46

Post by AussieWog93 »

wheelerof4te wrote: post #37
john2010 wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you read carefully, the article meant that by accepting 'the hard truth' you have more chance to change. Quotes: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Paradoxically, accepting that you’re just not a confident person and you’re always going to feel a little off around other people will begin to make you feel more comfortable and less anxious around others.

There is a reason why that's a paradox. I am anxious around people who I don't trust. Accepting that will not change how I feel around them.

>Accepting that will not change how I feel around them.

But perhaps accepting the fact that you're more innately less trusting than the average person could (assuming that's true, of course)?

Re: Self-improvement is embracing your messy, imperfect life

#47

Post by mtsolitary »

watwut wrote: post #30
Ostrogodsky wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No. That happens since you are born, you leave the comfort of the uterus, then eventually you cannot suck more your mom's tits, a new baby comes in and you are not longer the smallest one, you have to go to kindergarten,etc, etc, all those are pretty challenging/traumatic events when adjusted by age and then the changes keep coming. By all means not all changes are bad or even difficult but constantly through life yo…

The word "traumatic" did not used to mean "somewhat uncomfortable". And most of the ones you mentioned are not even uncomfortable for all kids. Plenty of kids just loose interest in breastfeeding, goes to kindergarten without major issue and is curios/happy/indifferent when siblings come.

Absolutely. Parents have the option of following their children's lead in a way that does not necessarily lead to trauma.

Re: Self-improvement is embracing your messy, imperfect life

#48

Post by abdulhaq »

Off topic, but I see that everyone involved in the photo used in the article gets a mention, even the model whose hand is pictured. Yet when a film like Dune is reviewed, or a new spacecraft lands on another planet, not a single engineer or 3d artist or software developer's name is mentioned, even though what they have done is far more difficult and impactful. It's time we recognised the people who make these amazing things happen.

Re: Self-improvement is embracing your messy, imperfect life

#49

Post by smokel »

blackbrokkoli wrote: post #40

Honestly, if I learned one thing about self-transformation it is that it's quite personal, so I don't want to call the author wrong per se, but the article does not reflect my experience at all. The times when I experienced the most drastically successful change when I realized that there really is nothing stopping me from entirely changing my identity and self if I so desired. Obviously, this only works for things a…

Firstly, I love your approach and if it works I am happy for you!

However, how can we be sure that a person can actually change even some parts of ones identity?

It seems to me that most people assume that our brains can be molded at will, simply by repeating some intended behavior. I'm not saying that this is impossible, but I highly doubt the extents to which this works.

There are so many variables at play, that it is unlikely for any mechanism to simply pick up the "good parts". At most, I would assume that we can learn things cognitively, and some muscular patterns.

Being able to change wants and desires at will however seems almost unattainable.

Doesn't keep me from experimenting with it, though :) And I'd love to hear others opinions on this!

Re: Self-improvement is embracing your messy, imperfect life

#50

Post by Micoloth »

tomcooks wrote: post #2

I wholeheartedly disagree with this defeatist attitude, which is supposed to magically lead to change more than actually planning and actioning chance itself. Nowhere in life change happens without trauma. Get good at trauma and you'll get good at life. I suggest to learn one's own limits through suffering and systematically repeated failure. It's the only way to build not only a map of current yourself, but also a t…

Most sibling comments are already pointing out how sad this idea is, but I’ll add this: apparently you to refuse accept that acceptance can “magically” lead to change. On the other hand, I claim that acceptance (of reality) is the Only way to change! For a (deep down) very simple reason: if you want to change reality, you have to start from reality. This means accepting it. Living in an imagined world leads to no change.

This is (one of) the core ideas of buddhism-related philosophies. I suggest you give those a chance!

>Nothing in life happens without trauma. That’s Not True. If you accept reality and see that some change is Right, you Do it. No trauma. This is a Fact, and again, dealing with facts and accepting what is true is very liberating.

And look man, I’m in a pretty confused situation myself right now, but we all trying to figure out what’s best!

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