261–270 of 386 posts
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Are wealthy men the majority of divorced men? You seem to be assuming as much.
Fathers are granted custody only 18.3% of the timey. Mothers are awarded child support nearly 2 times as often as fathers are Fathers are awarded nearly 10% less, on average, in child support Fathers receive less of the awarded child support than mothers More than 25% of fathers live apart from their children
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But how do you know it was unfaithful? Lots of open relationships don’t broadcast this fact due to the stigma and taboo around it. Plus, OP said they’d go on hearsay.
So the cheating got around ears but the open relationship wouldn't? What a strange selectively gossipy community. I'd think people would normally cover up both as they are personal, but all shit can get out.
Going through this myself as well. Sadly - divorce shouldn't be such a devastating process as it is (in the US). Child support statues are incredibly flawed in certain states -- NYS in particular -- and lead to the process being more drawn out than it needs to be. NYS doesn't take child custody splits into account when it comes to setting child support, and as a result the "high earner" pays a pro-rata share based on…
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Continuing in a separate comment: Advise for you and others: * Use social and legal provisions towards your own favor as much as possible whatever those are -- live-in relationships, friends with benefits, getting to know each other well upfront, pre-nuptial agreements, etc. * Keep an escape route. E.g., keep finances strictly separate. * Read 'good' books on how all this works, like on psychology of love relationshi…
Any particular recommendations in the books you've read?
Here are some recommendations. Only the first one qualifies as a 'particular' one.
1. Human Relationships, Steve Duck. I had read the first edition and found it very insightful.
2. Another one that was very helpful was focussed on when it is the time to quit. I have linked a few similar ones below. The one I had read had a quiz after each chapter. I recall that for the first one, it said that a score of 3 out of 10 indicates your the situation is nearing borderline. (My score was 8, i.e. well past.)
3. There were several on the topic of divorce. These often include advice on the above as well.
4. There was one on how children react to such situations.
I had also read some that talked about how to save the marriage, etc.
For item 2 above:
Stay or Go: Dr. Ruth's Rules for Real Relationships https://www.amazon.com/Stay-Go-Ruths-Rules-Relationships-ebo...
Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Surviving-Relationship-Na...
Should I Stay Or Go? https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Go-Controlled-Separation/...
I am going through it right now too. Very short background: * Wife abusive from the beginning * Sexless marriage as she refused * Beating herself up for years * She's not earning (highly qualified) * Did not take care of child or home either * Tried to frame me however I figured and escaped * Living separately now * She filed false and frivolous violence complaint against me * Not letting me meet my child * Court gra…
What is the alimony/ child support amount?
I cannot disclose the detailed specifics of my case.
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> that the kind of person who breaks trust in secret Who has never lied or "broken trust in secret" in their lives? You'd hold someone forever accountable for making a horrible mistake that had nothing to do with you?
"horrible mistake"? This isn't an "oops I forgot to pick up milk on the way home from work" or "oops I got in a bar fight and had to spend the night in jail" People who cheat do it consciously.
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4 years ago last month, for me. In some ways it gets better - you don't have to answer to anybody but yourself, again. In others, it doesn't - society now sees you a bit differently, and will continue to do so until you somehow get back "on the rails" with a new partner. > I can totally understand how some men are obliterated when children are involved and the other spouse is out for blood Happened to a friend of min…
Both sides lose, men usually do better. https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the- divorce-gap/480333/
If you have much to do with family court you'd fully understand why suicide is a way out for men treated like sources of money with little other value. It would be quite educational for all men to attend family court as an observer prior to marriage. They might reconsider marriage as an institution altogether. Society itself might have to realise how badly things are set up. Maybe not. Everything's fine. Enjoy your s…
>If you have much to do with family court you'd fully understand why suicide is a way out for men treated like sources of money with little other value. That depends on the country. But if I'd live in US I wouldn't marry without a prenuptial agreement.
As a recently ( Obviously therapy is a good first resource and then working on yourself going forward is a good strategy but man, I can totally understand how some men are obliterated when children are involved and the other spouse is out for blood. I consider myself lucky that it happened before I got too old, had children and who knows what other things could have happened but damn, it still hurts.
I can relate to the devastating on many levels part. I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, and the future I was working towards was gone. It was existentially disorienting. I know this is unsolicited advice, but for what it's worth take some time to figure out how and why you found yourself in the situation. Write about the past and use the writing to…
I feel like it happens a lot in modern relationships. People become so interdependent and build themselves and their identities propped against each-other (to the point of neglecting families and friends even), so much that when it chatters it's a life changing experience. The interdependence could even be a cause of the breakup itself. I also feel like a lot of dysfunctional couples are staying together not to break the illusion (some kind of weir sunk cost fallacy).
People need space and solitude to find themselves, only then they can start building healthy and stable relationships, ~50% of married couple divorce (and much more unmarried breakup), statistically your couple won't last, live like every day is the last day of your relationship and make the best out of it (it also helps keeping the gears of love running).
Treat love as a drug (or food), when used in moderation and in a safe manner it can be soothing and positive, when your life starts to exclusively revolve around it it quickly can spiral out of control. Maintain a good routine; friends, hobbies, sport, job, &c.
Read books about the psychology of love, couples, relationships, breakups, it helps a lot when you figure out that most people are going through the same thing and are getting past it with time. You can also check out stoic philosophers and how to live for and by yourself, you don't have to take it to the letter but it certainly gives you another point of view.
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So following a divorce there are a number of factors that affect people's long term happiness: possibility of remarrying, quality of time spent to kids, amount of income lost due to childcare and amount of income paid to ex-spouse, and so on. We can assume overall these tend to impact men and women differently, with for example women tending to get more access to kids but losing income as they spend time on childcare…
> In that case even with worse outcomes from divorce for women, it might still make sense for women to file for divorce more often. I don't understand. If bad marriages effect women more often then men, then women do better from divorce. The divorce initiation data doesn't tell us who's happier overall (insofar as such interpersonal utility comparisons even make sense), and I didn't make a claim about this. That data…
It wouldn't exactly show that women "recover better" versus men, which was your original wording, but that is not perhaps the most important point - I'm more trying to tease out nuance than argue against you.
One factor confusing the issue is that a number of reasons mentioned in the thread, such as cancer, remarriage, and access to children, are not particularly relevant to your argument.
The original post of this thread said divorce was lose-lose and that men are the biggest losers. My point, perhaps clumsily made, was that it is possible that some men take advantage of a relatively strong position in a bad marriage. So even though they lose from the divorce itself more, the increased initiation from women may partly represent a relative weakness within the marriage leading to women losing more in a bad marriage prior to initiating divorce (and men gambling that they won't divorce due to the costs involved).
That still feels clumsily expressed, but I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. Again it's an attempt to add a little more nuance to the overall analysis here.