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Divorce does funny things

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Re: Divorce does funny things

#171

Post by kkjjkgjjgg »

thriftwy wrote: post #158
kkjjkgjjgg wrote: post #155

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What do you mean? I don't understand anything of what you are saying? What am I trying to take that isn't mine? (And why me, I am not the OP)? What is a five finger discount?

Five finger discount is when you steal. The condition of staying in good relations with your wife where she does not take the children and blast off is not having a romantic life on the side. You understand this condition but try to get around it by lying. Not because it is unfair or impossible. Just because you want to have good things without paying for them.

So in your opinion, the punishment for having an affair should be to have one's children taken away from you? Or at least, you think it is an appropriate punishment. I don't think everybody would agree.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#172

Post by watwut »

lelanthran wrote: post #136
watwut wrote: post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> every lawyer I spoke to during my divorce (maybe ... 10?) said not to bother, the odds of a court deciding in favour of the mother were 3/5 That is completely absurd risk reward ratio to reject.

> That is completely absurd risk reward ratio to reject. Not really. The impact of losing is "lose hundreds of thousands, be in debt for the next decade and have my work (and life in general) suffer", while still having to deal with having to then fight for access continuously. The impact of winning was "losing hundreds of thousands, be in debt for a decade, and still have the risk of custody reversal in a future cas…

But women file for custody. Multiple states already have 50/50 being default custody.

Also, filing does not costs "hundreds of thousands". That is just not true. Poor people have those hearings and while it costs money, it costs significantly less.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#173

Post by ookdatnog »

lordnacho wrote: post #122
cm2012 wrote: post #58

On infidelity - to some extent people's personal business is not my business. But if I hear that someone was unfaithful to their spouse, my business trust in them goes waaay down. If they're willing to break trust with the person closest to them in their life, what chance do I have as a mere business partner of not being screwed over at some point?

> But if I hear that someone was unfaithful to their spouse, my business trust in them goes waaay down. Same here. I actually don't know why it doesn't seem to affect people's thoughts about politicians. People are absolutely willing to separate what they know about a person's personal life from what they think about that person's politics. For me it's a scarlet letter. I get maybe an hour of talk about each candidat…

I liked this scene from the Danish movie "Druk" https://youtu.be/iS4CHNHm9a0.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#174

Post by throwaway0a5e »

MCllorf wrote: post #36
jimmaswell wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Relationship market seems like it's the best it's ever been, from a standpoint of equality, that is. What makes you say this? Last I heard the trend of it getting harder and harder for men has been continuing. When one side has to go crazy going to the gym and making themselves interesting and whatever to stand out while the other side just has to put one blurry picture with no text on any dating site to get inunda…

My guess would be that online dating is extremely biased in favor of women because men tend to over-value looks while women tend to value things that are harder to communicate at a glance. Which would be why men generally feel ignored and women generally feel like they have tons of really shitty options.

It's highly biased in favor of women because of the differences between how women and men approach dating and what happens when you scale that.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#175

Post by icu »

vecinu wrote: post #128

As a recently ( Obviously therapy is a good first resource and then working on yourself going forward is a good strategy but man, I can totally understand how some men are obliterated when children are involved and the other spouse is out for blood. I consider myself lucky that it happened before I got too old, had children and who knows what other things could have happened but damn, it still hurts.

I can relate to the devastating on many levels part. I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, and the future I was working towards was gone. It was existentially disorienting.

I know this is unsolicited advice, but for what it's worth take some time to figure out how and why you found yourself in the situation. Write about the past and use the writing to process the negative emotions. You'll come to a deeper understanding of yourself, and the world, which is when you can start constructing a compelling future.

I hope you find peace and happiness in the future.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#176

Post by refurb »

WastingMyTime89 wrote: post #153
cm2012 wrote: post #58

On infidelity - to some extent people's personal business is not my business. But if I hear that someone was unfaithful to their spouse, my business trust in them goes waaay down. If they're willing to break trust with the person closest to them in their life, what chance do I have as a mere business partner of not being screwed over at some point?

> But if I hear that someone was unfaithful to their spouse, my business trust in them goes waaay down. > If they're willing to break trust with the person closest to them in their life, what chance do I have as a mere business partner of not being screwed over at some point? That's a very American perspective. People position on extramarital affair is extremely culturaly dependant. It goes from deep public revulsion…

No, it’s not a uniquely American perspective. Generally humans (not all) value things like fairness and truth. Many will toss those to the side in the pursuit of things like money and power, but it’s pretty universal that screwing people over is viewed poorly.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#177

Post by varjag »

Jensson wrote: post #170
varjag wrote: post #163

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm impressed how you jumped from me using a reasonable commonsense estimate (deceptive people tend to be less trustworthy) to conclusion that I must be anti-science. Reminds of the droning crowds who claimed in March 2020 that masks don't work "because there is no supporting research".

Cheating on a spouse has nothing to do with deception, it only becomes deception if they don't tell their spouse about it afterwards. If a person did cheat on their spouse and told their spouse about it then that is a sign to me that I can trust what the person say. I wont be able to trust that they can control themselves in the moment, but at least I'll trust that they will tell me about important things.

I believe not telling is overwhelmingly default mode when people bring up the issue of cheating. Have no objections to your point otherwise.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#178

Post by matheusmoreira »

me_im_counting wrote: post #27
mrsmee89 wrote: post #9

As a divorced man, I can attest to this wholeheartedly. There's an energy a man gets when you're building a family that helps motivate through the struggle. When you get divorced, especially when kids are involved, there's an expectation in our society (court system, social pressure, etc) to continue life as if that energy still exists, it simply doesn't. It's maddening. Breaking up a family is lose-lose. There are n…

Are they? At least among wealthy men, it seems much more common for them to remarry and make a brand new second family while the ex wife is left doing most things for the first set of kids. Plus, it’s significantly more common for men to leave their wives when their wives get diagnosed with cancer than vice versa. IMO, divorce sucks worst for whoever is the most conscientious person and invested in the family, regard…

Most divorces are initiated by women. Nowadays, there's an unacceptably high likelihood of divorce within 10 years of marriage. Should it occur, there are significant long term legal and economic repercussions.

I simply don't understand why anyone would ever propose marriage in the first place under these circumstances, let alone remarry after experiencing divorce.

Re: Divorce does funny things

#179

Post by lelanthran »

watwut wrote: post #172
lelanthran wrote: post #136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> That is completely absurd risk reward ratio to reject. Not really. The impact of losing is "lose hundreds of thousands, be in debt for the next decade and have my work (and life in general) suffer", while still having to deal with having to then fight for access continuously. The impact of winning was "losing hundreds of thousands, be in debt for a decade, and still have the risk of custody reversal in a future cas…

But women file for custody. Multiple states already have 50/50 being default custody. Also, filing does not costs "hundreds of thousands". That is just not true. Poor people have those hearings and while it costs money, it costs significantly less.

Where are your stats from?

Re: Divorce does funny things

#180

Post by rsj_hn »

WastingMyTime89 wrote: post #153
cm2012 wrote: post #58

On infidelity - to some extent people's personal business is not my business. But if I hear that someone was unfaithful to their spouse, my business trust in them goes waaay down. If they're willing to break trust with the person closest to them in their life, what chance do I have as a mere business partner of not being screwed over at some point?

> But if I hear that someone was unfaithful to their spouse, my business trust in them goes waaay down. > If they're willing to break trust with the person closest to them in their life, what chance do I have as a mere business partner of not being screwed over at some point? That's a very American perspective. People position on extramarital affair is extremely culturaly dependant. It goes from deep public revulsion…

We could use a bit less wildly inaccurate stereotypes than "extremely puritanical USA". Please consider updating your views of our country from the 18th Century. Imagine if I went around ranting about "extremely Catholic France".
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