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The biology of dads

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Re: The biology of dads

#171

Post by hising »

bcrosby95 wrote: post #52
bluedays wrote: post #20

>Paradoxically, we found that fathers who activate the anterior cingulate the most when listening to infant crying report the most negative emotional responses to those cries, in particular being more likely to label the cry as spoiled or manipulative. How can greater engagement of a brain region associated with empathy be linked with such negative subjective reactions to the cry? We suspect it relates to a phenomeno…

If you have enough kids it's kinda a sink or swim moment: you learn to tune it out or go crazy. We have twin 2 year olds and a 5 year old. There's been periods of time where there's crying (by at least one of them) for most of the day. When you're 1 on 3 at these sorts of ages it's inevitable. When 1 starts crying in the car and the other 2 start crying because the crying is too loud, there's not much you can do but…

I have three as well (older though, so not the hardship I reckon you guys have now). The dynamic is awesome, but also crazy at times. You learn to turn on/off. If I would be turned on constantly and react to all the noise and yelling I would be mentally dead. You learn to snap on in an instant when shit gets real. 99 times out of 100 it is just small non-essential things though, but sometimes a sound or a lack of a sound makes you 100% focused. But most of the time you need to turn on the noice cancelling inside your head.

Re: The biology of dads

#172

Post by Hoasi »

ksdale wrote: post #58

"They seemed like ideal infant-caregivers: calm, gentle, patient and sensitive. They didn’t seem like men you would go to battle with. In fact, they were the very antithesis of the warriors and athletes – think Maximus, Achilles or Michael Jordan – often associated with a masculine ideal." I became a father quite a bit before most of my friends, and so was the butt of some jokes about masculinity for the way I parent…

> Also, somewhat ironic, but my willingness to "go to battle" for my family is far greater than my willingness to "go to battle" for anything before having a family, to an extent that becoming a father has made me far more assertive, confident, and willing to take responsibility, which makes me more "masculine" if you so happen to define masculinity that way...

That's a known fact in the military since times immemorial.

Re: The biology of dads

#173

Post by pavel_lishin »

hi41 wrote: post #79

When we has our first child, it came as a total shock as to the amount of work that was needed. I was completely unprepared for it. Added to my wife’s work schedule and mine, I was stuck between changing diapers and kitchen. I absolutely HATED fatherhood. Did anyone have the same experience and how did you overcome the frustration to become a good father.

My experience wasn't as bad as yours, but the first year was pretty rough. Babies aren't fun. They eat, shit and cry, and that's about it.

The way to overcome it is to sort of just plod on. They grow out of the potato stage, and start becoming people you can interact with, play with, talk with. For the first few years, being a good dad largely consists of keeping your kid alive!

I basically just told myself that it would get better, and stage by stage it did. Mine's nearly five now, and there are still a lot of challenges, but it's nowhere as difficult as it was for the first few years. Being a good dad is actually harder in some ways now now, because it requires more mental and emotional commitment, vs. just being able to deal with sleep deprivation and isolation, but also easier in a lot of ways because they're a person you can do things with.

Re: The biology of dads

#174

Post by pavel_lishin »

smegcicle wrote: post #159
dang wrote: post #112

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Please don't attack other users (especially not over personally intimate topics like parenting), and please don't take HN threads into generic flamewar.

I suppose it could be read as an attack on the poster, but I meant it much more as an attack on the expectation of raising kids working out easily in that situation, as indicated in the latter sentence. Given the context of 'hating fatherhood', pointing that out seems relevant.

I read it as an attack on women.

Re: The biology of dads

#175

Post by pavel_lishin »

cosmic_shame wrote: post #15

My personal experience as a dad of a 16 month old: new, intense anxiety about what the future will look like for my child.

Everyone's talking like they're worried about their kid not turning out like them, or that they'll accidentally vicariously live their life through their kid, or that their kid won't be emotionally equipped to be an adult.

I'm worried that the planet will be inhospitable to human life, and that my kid will have to scramble for rat corpses in the shadows of collapsed skyscrapers.

Re: The biology of dads

#176

Post by kilroy123 »

aantix wrote: post #141
Mmrnmhrm wrote: post #67

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you have any resources on how to manage anxiety please bring them on. My old son has a mild development impairment, I am the sole bread earner, and we have no family support (we live abroad). Anxiety is crippling me to the point of rupture.

* A dose of magnesium l-threonate in the morning and before bed * A dose of magnesium glycinate in the morning and before bed * A dose of black seed oil in the morning and at night If you did a hair mineral analysis test, I assure you, you would most likely be magnesium deficient. The body needs magnesium in order to deal with stress. Anxiety is stress. The deficiency wreaks havoc on the nervous system. Take a HMAT f…

+1 about magnesium and nutrition. I saw a huge improvement once I started getting enough.

Also don't forget about getting enough sleep every night.

Re: The biology of dads

#177

Post by blobbers »

tmnstr85 wrote: post #160

I've had the privilege of this experience twice, both girls. I'm 35 The first one, picture perfect. I could feel my body "go to battle" there was this sense of pride and drive. I felt like I was fulfilling a part of my life that was absolutely necessary. The second one, we failed. Pre-mature by 3 weeks. Bacterial meningitis within 4 days of her being home. She's here with us now but she suffers from global sensory de…

I just wanted to say something supportive. You didn't fail; a bacteria affected the situation more than modern medicine was capable of handling. I hope you're not blaming yourself.

Re: The biology of dads

#178

Post by kortilla »

lallysingh wrote: post #156
Kluny wrote: post #119

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're making a pretty big leap of assumption here. - he didn't say that he had biological kids - the step daughter is his own daughter, they aren't two different things - he didn't say that if he does have biological kids, that he didn't tear up at their graduation - he also didn't specify the ages of any of his kids, so there's no reason to assume that any others have graduated I'm curious as to where those assumpt…

Also, it's not like we're born with DNA testers. There's no reason why our instincts actually know the difference between our biological kids and others we've been with, played the same role with, and raised the same way.

Yes, but it depends on the age of the child when the relationship starts. My half sister was 13-ish about when my father married my mother (so my half sister’s step-mother).

There was always an obvious difference in the way she bonded with my mom vs her biological mom. It’s still family, but more like an aunt at best. Despite never saying it, it’s pretty obvious my mother obviously views us differently as well having basically had no say in any of her step daughters formative years.

Re: The biology of dads

#179

Post by tmnstr85 »

blobbers wrote: post #177
tmnstr85 wrote: post #160

I've had the privilege of this experience twice, both girls. I'm 35 The first one, picture perfect. I could feel my body "go to battle" there was this sense of pride and drive. I felt like I was fulfilling a part of my life that was absolutely necessary. The second one, we failed. Pre-mature by 3 weeks. Bacterial meningitis within 4 days of her being home. She's here with us now but she suffers from global sensory de…

I just wanted to say something supportive. You didn't fail; a bacteria affected the situation more than modern medicine was capable of handling. I hope you're not blaming yourself.

I've had two law offices, with two separate sets of medical experts all tell me that this did not happen in the hospital. We live in a day and age where critical thought forces you to ask the next question. Well, then where did she get sick, and who was in charge. Sometimes it is that simple.

Re: The biology of dads

#180

Post by kortilla »

cortesoft wrote: post #152
lqet wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> "go to battle" I remember that in the first days after my kid was born, the thought that I would defend that child to the bitter end against any attacker suddenly seemed completely natural, even trivial. It was quite strange and included a sudden extreme awareness of (and aggressive feelings against) animals which came to close. This included dogs. The feelings were overwhelmingly archaic. I talked to my wife about…

I can totally relate to this. I have always been a completely non-violent person, but I remember the feeling of “I would kill to defend this tiny creature” when I became a dad. It was pretty powerful.

This is also when you realize the insidious power of the “think of the children” argument. When someone manipulates you to think of your own children, they trigger that base instinct that’s hard to fight.
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