Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

The biology of dads

aeon.co

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

111–120 of 285 posts

Re: The biology of dads

#111

Post by watwut »

MaximumYComb wrote: post #91
hi41 wrote: post #79

When we has our first child, it came as a total shock as to the amount of work that was needed. I was completely unprepared for it. Added to my wife’s work schedule and mine, I was stuck between changing diapers and kitchen. I absolutely HATED fatherhood. Did anyone have the same experience and how did you overcome the frustration to become a good father.

Babies aren't meant to be fun. I became a single dad when I had a baby and a two year old. Honestly, I don't think most men are wired for doing this role. The 4-5 years that followed were very difficult for me mentally. I was socially isolated, had no support (all support structures were mother orientated) and I had two really little kids to care for. I'm not sure if I changed, or it's simply easier for me now they'r…

It is mentally difficult for mothers too. Like isolation, there is reason why the stereotype of woman used to be constantly on the phone. Or taking a lot after husband came from work.

Single parenthood is even harder, it sounds that you have done good job with them.

Re: The biology of dads

#112

Post by dang »

smegcicle wrote: post #103
hi41 wrote: post #79

When we has our first child, it came as a total shock as to the amount of work that was needed. I was completely unprepared for it. Added to my wife’s work schedule and mine, I was stuck between changing diapers and kitchen. I absolutely HATED fatherhood. Did anyone have the same experience and how did you overcome the frustration to become a good father.

> Added to my wife’s work schedule There's your problem. The idea that women have a moral right to enter the workforce being used as an argument against their necessity in the full time job of raising their own children is nonsensical.

Please don't attack other users (especially not over personally intimate topics like parenting), and please don't take HN threads into generic flamewar.

Re: The biology of dads

#113

Post by antisthenes »

zarkov99 wrote: post #92
antisthenes wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> There's a pretty big disconnect between our cultural ideal, and reality. As someone who isn't a native-born American, is that really your cultural ideal? Warriors and athletes? Because to an outsider that just seems...laughable at best, and for more reasons than just rampant obesity.

Why? What is your culture's cultural ideal?

I think you might have missed the point of my post.

It's laughable because it is so far from reality, not because the ideals are something to be laughed at.

Re: The biology of dads

#114

Post by TooRightKite »

gabereiser wrote: post #86
ksdale wrote: post #58

"They seemed like ideal infant-caregivers: calm, gentle, patient and sensitive. They didn’t seem like men you would go to battle with. In fact, they were the very antithesis of the warriors and athletes – think Maximus, Achilles or Michael Jordan – often associated with a masculine ideal." I became a father quite a bit before most of my friends, and so was the butt of some jokes about masculinity for the way I parent…

I echo this. I’m an empty nester now but when I was raising kids (really early on) most of my friends were going to bars and didn’t understand the responsibility. Now they are all having kids and looking to me for answers... like there’s a manual for kids. I felt the most pride in my life watching my step-daughter get her diploma. I, a masculine man who was taught to bottle it all up and stuff upper lip, cried like a…

That's nice, but why did your step daughter max the pride-meter instead of one of your own?

Re: The biology of dads

#115

Post by oblio »

endymi0n wrote: post #90
jedimastert wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The newborn phase was really hard for me So many people led me to believe that I would fall in love with my kid the instant I first laid eyes on her, and it simply wasn't the case. I love her so much now, but it definitely wasn't the immediate flip of a switch that some may believe

I also really, really wasn't into babies before becoming a father, then when they were there, it was actually kinda okay — but now that they can talk, reason and you can mess with them, it's definitely _so_ much cooler. What's interesting though is that for me, having spent time with a baby seems to have changed some wirings retroactively. Just saw a toddler yesterday doing random things and having so much fun in the…

> There are only 52 weekends you will ever have with your three year old.

I'm confused. Shouldn't it be 156?

Re: The biology of dads

#116

Post by MaximumYComb »

watwut wrote: post #111
MaximumYComb wrote: post #91

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Babies aren't meant to be fun. I became a single dad when I had a baby and a two year old. Honestly, I don't think most men are wired for doing this role. The 4-5 years that followed were very difficult for me mentally. I was socially isolated, had no support (all support structures were mother orientated) and I had two really little kids to care for. I'm not sure if I changed, or it's simply easier for me now they'r…

It is mentally difficult for mothers too. Like isolation, there is reason why the stereotype of woman used to be constantly on the phone. Or taking a lot after husband came from work. Single parenthood is even harder, it sounds that you have done good job with them.

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply it's not hard on mother's too. I meant that they seem to have a better hormonal reward system with babies. Mother's seem really happy cuddling their little ones and adult women tend to enjoy cuddling babies compare to adult men. I didn't have that same connection with mine so I didn't get reward, at the time, for my efforts.

Re: The biology of dads

#117

Post by 6gvONxR4sf7o »

MaximumYComb wrote: post #91
hi41 wrote: post #79

When we has our first child, it came as a total shock as to the amount of work that was needed. I was completely unprepared for it. Added to my wife’s work schedule and mine, I was stuck between changing diapers and kitchen. I absolutely HATED fatherhood. Did anyone have the same experience and how did you overcome the frustration to become a good father.

Babies aren't meant to be fun. I became a single dad when I had a baby and a two year old. Honestly, I don't think most men are wired for doing this role. The 4-5 years that followed were very difficult for me mentally. I was socially isolated, had no support (all support structures were mother orientated) and I had two really little kids to care for. I'm not sure if I changed, or it's simply easier for me now they'r…

> Honestly, I don't think most men are wired for doing this role... I was socially isolated, had no support (all support structures were mother orientated)

Maybe it's the social structures that aren't wired for men to do it, rather than the biological ones. What made you feel like the difference was biological rather than due to external society?

Re: The biology of dads

#118

Post by knuthsat »

bcrosby95 wrote: post #52
bluedays wrote: post #20

>Paradoxically, we found that fathers who activate the anterior cingulate the most when listening to infant crying report the most negative emotional responses to those cries, in particular being more likely to label the cry as spoiled or manipulative. How can greater engagement of a brain region associated with empathy be linked with such negative subjective reactions to the cry? We suspect it relates to a phenomeno…

If you have enough kids it's kinda a sink or swim moment: you learn to tune it out or go crazy. We have twin 2 year olds and a 5 year old. There's been periods of time where there's crying (by at least one of them) for most of the day. When you're 1 on 3 at these sorts of ages it's inevitable. When 1 starts crying in the car and the other 2 start crying because the crying is too loud, there's not much you can do but…

It's stuff like this that makes me believe even more in my opinion that the world is just not built for parents. I just cannot believe this is what family life needs to be.

Re: The biology of dads

#119

Post by Kluny »

TooRightKite wrote: post #114
gabereiser wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I echo this. I’m an empty nester now but when I was raising kids (really early on) most of my friends were going to bars and didn’t understand the responsibility. Now they are all having kids and looking to me for answers... like there’s a manual for kids. I felt the most pride in my life watching my step-daughter get her diploma. I, a masculine man who was taught to bottle it all up and stuff upper lip, cried like a…

That's nice, but why did your step daughter max the pride-meter instead of one of your own?

You're making a pretty big leap of assumption here.

- he didn't say that he had biological kids

- the step daughter is his own daughter, they aren't two different things

- he didn't say that if he does have biological kids, that he didn't tear up at their graduation

- he also didn't specify the ages of any of his kids, so there's no reason to assume that any others have graduated

I'm curious as to where those assumptions came from?

Re: The biology of dads

#120

Post by treeman79 »

cgriswald wrote: post #109
treeman79 wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have a sleepwalker. Related to needing to pee. Absolutely will end up anywhere in the house, in any bucket or shelf. Or out the door. Caught her peeing in Landry buckets, on her sisters head, etc. We have barriers to keep her on top floor. They have to be sturdy. Moment we can get kid to pee she is instantly fully awake, confused as to how she got there and goes back to bed for the night. We’ve leaned to sleep lightl…

Man, that's rough. Our kid had night terrors for about a year. Just about the time the random worrying stopped happening we started getting woken up to blood-curdling screams we couldn't really do anything about.

First kid had those. Truly horrifing. Had no idea she wasn’t awake. All while talking. Faded after A year or so.

Second one went 5 years of them. Almost nightly. Gradually Shifted to sleepwalking instead. Less dramatic, but more dangerous.

Either way exact moment she pee’d it was over.

Post reply on HN