The biology of dads • Hacker News Board

Re: The biology of dads

#51

Post by ksdale » Tue, Nov 17, 2020, 5:53 PM UTC

carabiner wrote: post #49

I am so glad I had a vasectomy and that I never had kids. My life is unspoilt, and I celebrate it every day.

Your perspective indicates perhaps a bit of spoil... I think it's totally fine to not want children but thinking of them as spoiling anything by their existence feels to me as profoundly wrong as thinking of... well, a person as spoiling anything by their existence.

Re: The biology of dads

#52

Post by bcrosby95 » Tue, Nov 17, 2020, 5:56 PM UTC

bluedays wrote: post #20

>Paradoxically, we found that fathers who activate the anterior cingulate the most when listening to infant crying report the most negative emotional responses to those cries, in particular being more likely to label the cry as spoiled or manipulative. How can greater engagement of a brain region associated with empathy be linked with such negative subjective reactions to the cry? We suspect it relates to a phenomeno…

If you have enough kids it's kinda a sink or swim moment: you learn to tune it out or go crazy. We have twin 2 year olds and a 5 year old. There's been periods of time where there's crying (by at least one of them) for most of the day. When you're 1 on 3 at these sorts of ages it's inevitable. When 1 starts crying in the car and the other 2 start crying because the crying is too loud, there's not much you can do but laugh about it.

Take solace in the fact that kids cry over ridiculous stuff. For 20 minutes. Because, for example, you peeled their orange for them.

Re: The biology of dads

#53

Post by sudeepj » Tue, Nov 17, 2020, 5:56 PM UTC

cosmic_shame wrote: post #15

My personal experience as a dad of a 16 month old: new, intense anxiety about what the future will look like for my child.

One of the most important things I feel is to make your child ready for the real world (and not only in terms of education, values, profession, etc) but more from mental make-up:

1. How to handle success

2. Dealing with failures

Re: The biology of dads

#54

Post by dkural » Tue, Nov 17, 2020, 5:56 PM UTC

wincy wrote: post #47

superflit wrote: post #3

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Maybe remembering the fathers that after his kid is born there is a "hell" time of mostly 3-4 months where the baby will be adapting to you and vice-versa. Then the baby sleeps gets longer and you can have 6-8h of sleep. New fathers: Hold tight, after 3-4 months it gets way easier.

My wife and I had two queen sized beds, I slept on one, and our infant and my wife on the other. We coslept and my wife breast fed ad libitum. People kept asking me if I was tired, and I was confused about what they meant. I remember her once commenting "it's so amazing, she (our daughter) sleeps through the night without feeding!" to which I replied, "no, she makes a small fuss and you roll over and pop a boob in he…

I respect your choice; I suggest that you may try doing the same for people putting their kids in cribs instead of calling it weird and Victorian - because studies show it to reduce infant deaths; and it is practiced widely across the World, not just Victorian England. It is not weird for a parent to choose something that is shown to be safer for their infant. Again, I respect co-sleeping too; you had a queen just for baby and momma, and seem to be attentive and amazing parents. Some parents may be heavier sleepers though! I think there are many ways to be a good parent. Different room is also associated with higher risk though in the first 6 months ~ ideally crib is in a room with a parent.

Re: The biology of dads

#55

Post by kody » Tue, Nov 17, 2020, 5:57 PM UTC

bluedays wrote: post #20

>Paradoxically, we found that fathers who activate the anterior cingulate the most when listening to infant crying report the most negative emotional responses to those cries, in particular being more likely to label the cry as spoiled or manipulative. How can greater engagement of a brain region associated with empathy be linked with such negative subjective reactions to the cry? We suspect it relates to a phenomeno…

My wife and I are working from home and raising our 6 month old daughter, and the -only- distraction that brings me to a grinding halt is my daughter's crying. Even with noise-cancelling headphones, if I hear any crying at all I feel an incredible emotional reaction that totally prevents me from focusing on work until she's calm and happy again. I'm also glad to read that there's a natural (hormonal?) explanation for the disproportionate effect that her crying has on me.

Re: The biology of dads

#56

Post by wsc981 » Tue, Nov 17, 2020, 5:59 PM UTC

mqrs wrote: post #45

wsc981 wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My daughter is now 3.5 years old, but I can't say I experienced the same. I believe the future of my daughter is bright. I guess your anxiety could be based on the location where your living? I believe my daughter will be able to find plenty of great opportunities in her life and I'll be able to give her a very nice start compared to most people around where I live (Thailand). I have to admit I am also not worried fo…

> I am also not worried for things like covid and climate change Would you care to explain why?

> Would you care to explain why?

I'm not sure if my explanation would be fruitful here. I realise most people on HackerNews likely disagree with me on these issues. I am not here to convince people of my views on these issues. I respect anyones opinions on these matters.

But since you asked, in short:

- I really don't believe COVID-19 is as dangerous as is projected in the media

- I believe the human influence on climate change is much less than what most people tend to believe

My views are based on my own research on these issues.

If you'd asked me what issues I'm worried about, it's issues like pollution in the general sense (e.g. like plastics in the sea) or human population growth.

Re: The biology of dads

#57

Post by onemoresoop » Tue, Nov 17, 2020, 6:05 PM UTC

commandlinefan wrote: post #18

I was shocked how much more _patient_ I became - with everybody - after raising kids. It makes perfect sense, though: I had no choice but to learn relentless patience.

This is true for me as well. When my child was a few months old something clicked and the constant crying wasn't bothering me anymore. Since then, things that used to irk me are no longer affecting me. But I remember saying to myself that the baby isn't in control and they're not trying to be annoying on purpose, all babies cry (most of them of course) and there's no reason to get annoyed, it won't help me or anybody. I think it helped. Now at most I get a bit stressed out when the crying is very loud and incessant, but it does not register the way it used to. I remember the in first weeks I was a wreck and a lot of it was my own doing, I was anticipating the future distress and was getting annoyed in advance.

Re: The biology of dads

#58

Post by ksdale » Tue, Nov 17, 2020, 6:06 PM UTC

"They seemed like ideal infant-caregivers: calm, gentle, patient and sensitive. They didn’t seem like men you would go to battle with. In fact, they were the very antithesis of the warriors and athletes – think Maximus, Achilles or Michael Jordan – often associated with a masculine ideal."

I became a father quite a bit before most of my friends, and so was the butt of some jokes about masculinity for the way I parented (purely just the poking fun between good, old friends), but perhaps as a result of fatherhood, where my former reaction to those jokes would have been embarrassment, my new reaction was to think that my friends were childish for not being able to understand how it felt to be a father who loved his children.

Also, somewhat ironic, but my willingness to "go to battle" for my family is far greater than my willingness to "go to battle" for anything before having a family, to an extent that becoming a father has made me far more assertive, confident, and willing to take responsibility, which makes me more "masculine" if you so happen to define masculinity that way...

Re: The biology of dads

#59

Post by ravenstine » Tue, Nov 17, 2020, 6:08 PM UTC

wsc981 wrote: post #56

mqrs wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I am also not worried for things like covid and climate change Would you care to explain why?

> Would you care to explain why? I'm not sure if my explanation would be fruitful here. I realise most people on HackerNews likely disagree with me on these issues. I am not here to convince people of my views on these issues. I respect anyones opinions on these matters. But since you asked, in short: - I really don't believe COVID-19 is as dangerous as is projected in the media - I believe the human influence on cli…

People with your perspective shouldn't be downvoted when merely being asked their honest opinion. It really goes to show the state of both HN and intellectualism in general.

Re: The biology of dads

#60

Post by [deleted] » Tue, Nov 17, 2020, 6:14 PM UTC

bluedays wrote: post #20

>Paradoxically, we found that fathers who activate the anterior cingulate the most when listening to infant crying report the most negative emotional responses to those cries, in particular being more likely to label the cry as spoiled or manipulative. How can greater engagement of a brain region associated with empathy be linked with such negative subjective reactions to the cry? We suspect it relates to a phenomeno…

[deleted]