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Tell HN: Call Mom

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Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#71

Post by jshevek »

rubber_duck wrote: post #32
chrisseaton wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's especially important to call important people in your life today Right - boggles my mind that people think they should be telling anyone to call anyone on a site like this. (Not a comment on my mother - just the idea that everyone has the same relationships as you do and should do things the way you do them.)

>boggles my mind that people think they should be telling anyone to call anyone on a site like this. It's a nice reminder, don't see the OP post as "reconnect with your abusive parent" more like "today might be a good day to call your mother"

>"today might be a good day to call your mother"

The OP doesn't qualify their premise with 'might'. ('May' only applied to video chat, specifically). The title is imperative, and there is a general claim of importance.

I'm not bothered personally, I just agree with chriseatons assessment of the tone.

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#72

Post by jshevek »

101011 wrote: post #54
Igelau wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Didn't seem angry or bitter. Just honest.

Calling someone a "gaslighting c *" didn't seem angry to you?

Not necessarily. Gaslighting can simply be descriptive, and different subcultures associate different emotions and intensity with c*, particularly outside of the US. (But also inside the US.). For example, it can convey dismissiveness, not anger.

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#73

Post by jnbiche »

jasonv wrote: post #24
popotamonga wrote: post #4

Is it a cultural thing Americans are so detached? Its usual here to call your family 2 to 4 times a week

My parents are east European immigrants to the US. They’ve had a hard life, never adjusted well. Calls to mom last about 20 seconds before she hands the phone off to my father, who will recount the mistakes and sufferings of his life. They’re broken. I call every other week but sometimes if I call more they’ll not answer the phone. I call, either way. There won’t be anything more, previous efforts to repair or resolv…

> I wish they had considered going back decades ago

Considered what? You've said they had a hard life.

Edit: Oh, I misread that (parsed it as "considered, going back decades ago", thinking you were implying you wish they had considered the effect of their actions). Yeah, I think for many older immigrants who were forced to emigrate from their homeland because of warfare or economic collapse, going back makes sense if conditions have improved.

They don't want to go back now? Or too old?

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#74

Post by rb808 »

dorkwood wrote: post #70

I'm envious of people who have a kind of "best friend" relationship with their parents. My father, for example, I have almost nothing in common with. He's the political opposite of me, doesn't have any hobbies or share any of the same interests, and doesn't have the same sense of humour, so our conversation always falls flat. I bought him a laptop and introduced him to the internet because I thought he might find som…

Wait til you have kids then you'll have something in common. I hardly saw my parents for 15 years, now its weekly.

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#75

Post by devchix »

grawprog wrote: post #67

Have they invented ghost phones yet then? I would totally call my mom if those existed.

I know you jest, but of interests, there's a phonebooth someone set up for folks in Japan who have lost family members in the 2011 tsunami to "call" and "talk" to them.

Scroll down to "Really Long Distance".

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/702/one-last-thing-before-i...

Everything we do for the dead is a ritual for the living.

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#76

Post by ken »

popotamonga wrote: post #4

Is it a cultural thing Americans are so detached? Its usual here to call your family 2 to 4 times a week

Mu. America doesn't have the cultural uniformity that other countries do.

(In my experience, though, more than once/week seems excessive. Do you not have other family/friends to catch up with, too? Do you spend an hour on the phone every day?)

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#77

Post by TrinaryWorksToo »

thewebcount wrote: post #6

If your mother is a kind person whom you love, then by all means reach out and tell her. To others like me who may have a gaslighting c* * * of a mother, don't be bullied by societal norms into feeling like a bad person just because you don't want to connect with an abuser. It's perfectly fine to not call your mother on mother's day if you don't have the kind of relationship that will benefit from it.

Perhaps "call the person who has been the best mother to you"

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#78

Post by jshevek »

dorkwood wrote: post #70

I'm envious of people who have a kind of "best friend" relationship with their parents. My father, for example, I have almost nothing in common with. He's the political opposite of me, doesn't have any hobbies or share any of the same interests, and doesn't have the same sense of humour, so our conversation always falls flat. I bought him a laptop and introduced him to the internet because I thought he might find som…

>Do I still have a duty to call my parents multiple times a week, despite us never having anything to talk about

I don't think it's anyone else's place to decide what your duties are, here. On the one hand, feelings of duty can cause us to try too hard to do something which doesn't bring any goodness to anyone involved. On the other hand, cultivating emotional generosity is often deeply satisfying, and this could be (or not) an opportunity to place someone else happiness above your own interests. Every situation is different.

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#79

Post by Woberto »

voisin wrote: post #42
thewebcount wrote: post #6

If your mother is a kind person whom you love, then by all means reach out and tell her. To others like me who may have a gaslighting c* * * of a mother, don't be bullied by societal norms into feeling like a bad person just because you don't want to connect with an abuser. It's perfectly fine to not call your mother on mother's day if you don't have the kind of relationship that will benefit from it.

FWIW, I think your life would be vastly improved if you can turn the anger evident in your post into sadness for whatever caused her to act like that in the first place. It’s worked for me. Pity feels like a healthier emotion to experience than anger or bitterness.

I see people downvoting so I just wanted to say, as a person with anger towards my dad, this makes some sense to me. He was a terrible father, and surely a large part of that is due to something like poor mental health from a rough upbringing. It really sucks that my siblings and I suffered from it, but I can also sympathize with what he went through.

It's still really tough to know where to go from here. I feel like I've learned from his mistakes, but is the same true for him? Why hasn't he tried to change, is it the society/culture he grew up in? How much is his fault? Still figuring out how to deal with these questions. But I can be angry, and have pity too.

Re: Tell HN: Call Mom

#80

Post by xboxnolifes »

speedgoose wrote: post #7

Check first if it applies for your mom. Many but not all countries celebrate it today. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother%27s_Day

I would think someone would know if their mom celebrates mother's day unless they have known them for less than a year.
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