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Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

improveyoursocialskills.com

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Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#201

Post by abnry »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

To refine this, it's not necessarily about giving advice unsolicited, but minimizing the personhood and agency of the person you are giving advice to. Sometimes giving unsolicited advice is the best thing a friend can do, but you need to do it in the right circumstances and in the right way.

Anyone who receives unsolicited advice often has reason to believe that the advice giver (a) doesn't truly understand the issue at hand (b) cares more about themselves being the giver of information than it actually helping.

Before you give advice, you need to make sure you've established trust. One way of doing this is to actively listen and communicate back what you understand. Many social problems involve an emotional aspect, which is why many people recommend acknowledging the emotions of another person.

Spewing a ton of information without listening doesn't build trust. And if you present it as something they SHOULD do, versus something they have the OPTION of choosing, that minimizes their agency. People don't like to be bossed around.

The reason why your comment is no big deal on this forum is that you haven't targeted anyone personally, so nobody feels like you are misunderstanding their personal circumstances or that you are trying to trump their agency.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#202

Post by _8j50 »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

Not only that,but people take offense at factual analysis. If I present a fact and reasoning on why I consider it a fact, regardless of how unpleasant it might be I expect people to not take it personally and either contest my reasoning or accept/ignore what I said. However, being correct does not mean I shouldn't be sensitive to my audience. For example, if someone is a flat earther and I tell them why I think they are wrong, the more reasonable my argument is, the more they take it personally and get hurt because they tie their worth and value to their beliefs on those subjects.

Avoid people that can't stand facts? Isolation sucks.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#203

Post by vehementi »

dejawu wrote: post #181

I'm not sure if I'm alone in this, but I vehemently avoid guides or manuals to human interaction after a near-miss encounter with PUA shit in high school that almost led to me becoming a very different and much less likable person. Once I'm told that there's a certain way that is more or less "optimal" to interact with other people, I'm going to start seeing every conversation as an optimization problem, and that is…

Had the same near-miss but doesn't that put us in a position to better evaluate things? Read it with a critical eye? Understand it as tips and not cheat codes? Note things that are in disagreement with how I behave and might be worthy of introspection?

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#204

Post by abnry »

onlyrealcuzzo wrote: post #138
Sharlin wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To add to this, it’s important is to realize that even when people open up to you about their problems, that still does not mean that they are asking for advice! It’s very likely that what they primarily want and need from you is sympathy and validation. If you’re unsure, ask first.

I've learned that people hardly ever want advice. Mostly, they want you to tell them that everything is okay. The hard thing to square is, if you really care about someone, and you really think you have some input that could help them, you need to figure out how to communicate that without annoying them / hurting their feelings. It's also important not to have an ego when giving advice / input. It's likely that you'r…

There are two reasons someone might come to you for help. (1) For advice. Simply put, to get problem solving input. This is the less common case, however. (2) To get emotional courage to face whatever difficulty they have. This is the more common one.

Most people feel the best when THEY manage or solve their problems. But this is really hard. Often one's emotions get in the way. By sharing them with other people, you can sometimes release a pressure valve which makes someone feel more capable of dealing with their problem.

It's a key distinction.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#205

Post by watwut »

kempbellt wrote: post #115
throwaway0xb wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Pretty incredible exchange you are having with people right now where you are just straight up ignoring valid points or sweeping them aside as idealism...

Think of it as a free lesson in self-advocation if you'd like. I'm engaging in the conversation by bringing my points to the table. I see it as an idealistic proposal that doesn't match my understanding of reality. It is very plausible that I am wrong - please explain to me how you disagree, I'm happy to listen. Seriously. Just because someone has an idea doesn't mean I have to immediately agree with it or like it. F…

They did explained what you ask for in very simple terms, you just ignored it and reiterated that you are effectively superior.

It is not that you gave contra arguments, you just ignored.

Which is exactly issue with most confident win system.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#206

Post by furyoshonen »

I need this guide, for "how to talk to nescient people". As I find myself sighing too much out exacerbation and having a frustrating experience communicating. Having simple rules for how to be respectful, especially to elders, who need education in certain areas, I need badly.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#207

Post by cc81 »

grozzle wrote: post #134
77pt77 wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Too often, solutions driven people try to solve venters' problems rather than simply listening to what they are. If you don't want actionable answers to a problem, save it to your personal life or therapist. Your colleagues have a duty to behave decently towards you but they are not paid to be your emotional dumpster.

I'm quite certain everyone else knows we're talking about personal lives, not colleagues.

Some colleagues you spend a lot of time with and and there is still a bond even if you are not real friends that would spend time together outside of work.

Sometimes my colleague needs to went about a project that is going bad or a person that is making their life difficult and sometimes I might do that as well. You listen and sometimes you discuss solutions but sometimes it just venting about a situation you both know is shitty.

Just don't become they guy/girl who is always negative or talking shit about people though.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#208

Post by 77pt77 »

whatshisface wrote: post #113
77pt77 wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Too often, solutions driven people try to solve venters' problems rather than simply listening to what they are. If you don't want actionable answers to a problem, save it to your personal life or therapist. Your colleagues have a duty to behave decently towards you but they are not paid to be your emotional dumpster.

You're talking about colleagues, who you don't have any duty to be emotionally available for, but the parent poster is talking about friends and family.

The top comment even mentioned strangers!

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#209

Post by alexashka »

You can read all that, or, just spend some time around functional adults.

These are problems born of children being stuck with other children and having little exposure to a variety of adults.

We're much better at copying what others do, than internalizing rules spread out over 20+ pages (why is this done?)

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#210

Post by 77pt77 »

grozzle wrote: post #134
77pt77 wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Too often, solutions driven people try to solve venters' problems rather than simply listening to what they are. If you don't want actionable answers to a problem, save it to your personal life or therapist. Your colleagues have a duty to behave decently towards you but they are not paid to be your emotional dumpster.

I'm quite certain everyone else knows we're talking about personal lives, not colleagues.

The discussion started even mentioning strangers.
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