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Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

improveyoursocialskills.com

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Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#131

Post by crustacean »

magashna wrote: post #110
babadabada wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm a young woman in tech. I am happy to confirm that "since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code" is in fact some sexist bullshit.

> most young women I dare you to go to an average bar or club and try to talk about code with most young women. It's not happening. Most people don't code, and most coders are male.

But why talk shop on a date at all though?

- A shared niche interest is not sufficient basis for a good relationship.

- I’m a woman in tech and I don’t necessarily wanna talk code on a first or second date, I’ve got professional development figured out on my own time.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#132

Post by [deleted] »

slowhand09 wrote: post #25

My version. 1. Be polite 2. Ask questions. (Interesting people like to talk about themselves) Elicit more than Yes/No answers. 3. Answer questions put to you with more than Yes/No answers. (Interesting people like to learn more about interesting people)

[deleted]

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#133

Post by kempbellt »

pavas wrote: post #116
kempbellt wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I understand your perspective. Unfortunately, however idealistic, I don't see that being a great benefit in the long term for anyone. I prefer environments that teach you how to advocate for your ideas. Build you up as a good self-advocate. Environments that say "Hey everybody! It's Timmy's turn to speak. Pass him the talking stick" are patronizing and disgust me at the onset. Better to have someone by your side sayi…

I think you're actually missing his point, which is not so much a matter of perspective but rather a direct application of Goodheart's Law. When you are trying to incentivize by proxy (e.g. promote good ideas by rewarding vocal and assertive people), you better hope that there is a very tight correlation between the two. His point is that there isn't much correlation between good ideas and assertive personalities, so…

> I think you're actually missing his point

You are probably right.

I don't have a good argument for getting your good idea recognized by others, if you are not an assertive type, other than learning to fight harder for it be heard, or finding someone to fight hard for you.

There may not be a correlation between good ideas and assertive personalities, but if you aren't at least somewhat assertive, I just won't hear your idea.

It's like playing a song in your basement and wondering why no one is praising your musical talent. Get yourself out in the real world and play in front of people, loudly enough for them to hear you!

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#134

Post by grozzle »

77pt77 wrote: post #96
Dumblydorr wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And that more often than not, the speaker already knows potential solutions and next steps, they just want you to agree that it sucks. Too often, solutions driven people try to solve venters' problems rather than simply listening to what they are.

>Too often, solutions driven people try to solve venters' problems rather than simply listening to what they are. If you don't want actionable answers to a problem, save it to your personal life or therapist. Your colleagues have a duty to behave decently towards you but they are not paid to be your emotional dumpster.

I'm quite certain everyone else knows we're talking about personal lives, not colleagues.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#135

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

I have the whole "on the spectrum" thing going. It has been problematic for me.

Got lots of atomic wedgies when I was a kid. I learned to ask my parents to buy underwear with really stretchy bands...

For the last 39 years, I have been a participant in am organization that has self-analysis and self-improvement at its core. I won't go into it any further.

It has made the aspie almost invisible. The only sign is that I'm an obsessive coder.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#136

Post by lisper »

username90 wrote: post #127
lisper wrote: post #114

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"I have no idea what guys want. Every guy is different. And it's not just you: there are seven billion people in the world, and some of them are not going to be into you no matter who you are. But among those seven billion there are also going to be some who like you for who you are, so don't give up. But be careful about falling into the trap of being gloomy because you think you're never going to find someone, beca…

> Then give her a hug. Don't do this if you are bad at reading people.

Good point.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#137

Post by notJim »

whatshisface wrote: post #119
notJim wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In my experience, the problem with environments like that is that the best fighters win, not the best ideas. The best fighters are usually the people who can project the most confidence, talk the loudest, and who are the most popular. By contrast, environments that provide psychological safety enable people who may have better ideas, but may not be as brash and overconfident to contribute.

You have to be careful about those safe environments, as they often simply shift the weapons from loudness and brashness to sweet-sounding talk and subtle negative suggestions. It changes the breed of social warrior who wins from the "Conan the Barbarian" type to the "Mean Girls" type, but that doesn't help good ideas. One example of a dysfunctional strategy that only works in safe environments is the technique of su…

That's a great point, and one I've seen in action. I haven't seen the particular strategy you describe, but I've seen others. People can absolutely weaponize efforts to create psychological safety. IMO psychological safety is a necessary, but not sufficient condition for being able to disagree about ideas and come to better ones.

I think great leadership is when someone notices that happening and shuts it down.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#138

Post by onlyrealcuzzo »

Sharlin wrote: post #57
wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

To add to this, it’s important is to realize that even when people open up to you about their problems, that still does not mean that they are asking for advice! It’s very likely that what they primarily want and need from you is sympathy and validation. If you’re unsure, ask first.

I've learned that people hardly ever want advice. Mostly, they want you to tell them that everything is okay.

The hard thing to square is, if you really care about someone, and you really think you have some input that could help them, you need to figure out how to communicate that without annoying them / hurting their feelings.

It's also important not to have an ego when giving advice / input. It's likely that you're not perfectly correct.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#139

Post by iooi »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #135

I have the whole "on the spectrum" thing going. It has been problematic for me. Got lots of atomic wedgies when I was a kid. I learned to ask my parents to buy underwear with really stretchy bands... For the last 39 years, I have been a participant in am organization that has self-analysis and self-improvement at its core. I won't go into it any further. It has made the aspie almost invisible. The only sign is that I…

For the rest of us on the spectrum, which organization has helped you so much? If you're not going to share, then what's the point of even commenting at all?

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#140

Post by magashna »

crustacean wrote: post #131
magashna wrote: post #110

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> most young women I dare you to go to an average bar or club and try to talk about code with most young women. It's not happening. Most people don't code, and most coders are male.

But why talk shop on a date at all though? - A shared niche interest is not sufficient basis for a good relationship. - I’m a woman in tech and I don’t necessarily wanna talk code on a first or second date, I’ve got professional development figured out on my own time.

The presumption was that it's sexist to assume you can't talk code with young women. I don't want to talk code with anyone 99% of my off time. But to say the reasoning is sexist is untrue.
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