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Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

improveyoursocialskills.com

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Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#51

Post by aprdm »

allovernow wrote: post #45

>In a nutshell, you inspire me when something that you share makes me want to share something, too. Notice the word "want" in that definition. Inspiration does not make your partner feel obligated to share. It makes them want to share. This is the part that I've been stuck at for years. And I imagine other technical people hit this roadblock as well. Being able to talk with people when you have little in the way of c…

I know it is different for everyone and this is a side thread but I felt that for a while I was just trying to follow money and my career was about tech giving me money no matter where.

I always enjoyed tech but couldn't connect to the businesses in a bigger level than it is a job and I want it to succeed.

I then ended up in visual effects for big projects and it is incredible how excited / passionate I am about it despite the tech. The tech is just a means to solve issues in an efficient way so that the movies can happen but...

The creative process, the digital artists, the work they do and the lives these creations touch is truly incredible. They are all so passionate as well.

An artist told me the story on how some mother had hers autistic children talking for the first time with a digital creature he created. He always tears up on this story and how his digital creature gave emotions to this mom.

I don't pursue money anymore, in fact I have declined interviews with companies saying they would double my salary. There's more to life than money and tech for tech's sake.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#52

Post by yters »

wisty wrote: post #43

Why are social skills always focusing on the positive? A lot of programmers often seem to be more nice guys than anything else, and need to be able to be more assertive / aggressive. Everyone tries to distinguish these two, it's mostly just in the eye of the beholder - IMO aggression is just assertion when it's judged to be inappropriate or incompetently done - a drill instructor being assertive looks different to a…

Optimal is nice aggression: push forward for the goal in the nicest way possible, and resort to more confrontational style only when absolutely necessary.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#53

Post by wallflower »

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers.

People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed.

I’ve lost friends over this, until one dear friend pointed this out to me in a “look, I have to tell you something really really important” manner.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#54

Post by mettamage »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

Noted, thanks.

Also, I believe you're right. I've experienced both sides.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#55

Post by rafa1981 »

etagobla wrote: post #31
Carpetsmoker wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some of the worst and most ineffective coworkers I've ever worked with were intelligent, knowledgable, skilled, and severally lacking in the social skills department. In some cases I've seen the more abrasive and toxic variants of these people completely crush morale for the rest of the team or company, and destroy any success. They were a net loss to the company. Yeah, social skills matter. A lot. It's not about hav…

I agree, but there's a certain line that a good software engineer should not cross and that's where their improved social skills make local gf attainment feasible, because then they'll start devoting their time to other things. In my case I can already see my increased HN karma pulling me away from our tablegen spec. With a gf I'd be useless.

Some people downvoting you may be lacking skills to detect that this, even if partly true, is a joke. For me it was good.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#56

Post by mettamage »

spodek wrote: post #44

This community consistently poo-poos MBAs and business people who, it says, don't contribute and just shuffle paper or find ways to lay people off. I felt that way when I started my first company, finishing my physics degree. I figured, I helped launch a satellite, I can do what we needed. A couple patents later, we got our first funding and I knew how to solve what problems came our way. I could break down any probl…

I'm interested in learning leadership skills. Though, I've noticed it's hurting me a bit in my (entry level) job search as leadership skills are not seen as important since they just need you to code.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#57

Post by Sharlin »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

To add to this, it’s important is to realize that even when people open up to you about their problems, that still does not mean that they are asking for advice! It’s very likely that what they primarily want and need from you is sympathy and validation. If you’re unsure, ask first.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#58

Post by ntsplnkv2 »

wisty wrote: post #43

Why are social skills always focusing on the positive? A lot of programmers often seem to be more nice guys than anything else, and need to be able to be more assertive / aggressive. Everyone tries to distinguish these two, it's mostly just in the eye of the beholder - IMO aggression is just assertion when it's judged to be inappropriate or incompetently done - a drill instructor being assertive looks different to a…

I find people who are normally not assertive/aggressive overcorrect and lose even more respect.

Just advocate for yourself and the things you care about. It's not always easy, but that doesn't necessarily mean aggression.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#59

Post by username90 »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

> People will ask for advice if they really want it.

People will even ask for advice even when they really don't want it! So don't say that a girl is fat and needs to diet even if she asks you why she can't get the guys she want and tell you to be honest. Some want to hear that but most don't.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#60

Post by SolaceQuantum »

Sharlin wrote: post #57
wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

To add to this, it’s important is to realize that even when people open up to you about their problems, that still does not mean that they are asking for advice! It’s very likely that what they primarily want and need from you is sympathy and validation. If you’re unsure, ask first.

Often it's useful to mentally frame this as that the problem is that the speaker feels unheard, not that they're speaking about a problem.
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