The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat • Hacker News Board

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#111

Post by thomk » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:44 PM UTC

breakbread wrote: post #82

feintruled wrote: post #57

It can be quite a minefield. I worked with a guy whose chit-chat policy was disconcerting - stating the bleedin' obvious. "You are in early today!" "You are in late today!" "You are on time today!" "Wearing the red shirt again, I see!" "Got your hair cut!" While this 'say what you see' served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation. I felt like I…

For whatever reason, I can stand when people comment on what I've brought for lunch. "Hey, that looks pretty good!""Smells good! What'cha got there?""Bring me some next time!"

Agreed. Or when anyone comments on your food in general. Like at the grocery store, that's the one that irks me the most. "Ohhh someone is having a BBQ!!". "You know, I should try this wine". Stuff like that.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#112

Post by cryptozeus » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:45 PM UTC

Am I the only one who thinks this article is total nonsense. Really? You “need” to do small talk in order to get promotion and be liked around the office. How about we leave this to the individual’s personality. If you are in the right culture fit then you don”need” to do anything. You will love to chichat with your colleagues and if not that is okay to. Some people just love to work on their craft and small talk is just a distraction.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#113

Post by coldtea » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:46 PM UTC

feintruled wrote: post #57

It can be quite a minefield. I worked with a guy whose chit-chat policy was disconcerting - stating the bleedin' obvious. "You are in early today!" "You are in late today!" "You are on time today!" "Wearing the red shirt again, I see!" "Got your hair cut!" While this 'say what you see' served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation. I felt like I…

>While this 'say what you see' served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation

On the other hand, why see "introvert" or "extrovert" as something that you essentially are, and not an accidental attribute, one can, and perhaps should, work on?

In that case, his 'say what you see' routine would be a good testing ground to stop caring as much for the supposed "confrontation"...

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#114

Post by thomk » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:48 PM UTC

scyclow wrote: post #92

I got hit by a car while on my bike earlier in the summer. If nothing else, that solved 100% of my co-worker small talk for the next three months.

Hahahahahah! Sorry bro but holy shit that is a great way to look at it. I hope you are ok, but that was funny.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#115

Post by coldtea » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:49 PM UTC

not_a_moth wrote: post #11

I think the essential office chitchat issue is "being yourself" vs. "seeming like a high quality professional". I've found out the hard way that relaxing and aiming for a real conversation carries a high % chance of saying something unbecoming of a team leader. Better pay attention to appearances when you're at work. I don't understand coworkers who say silly things at the lunch table without a second thought, or tho…

>I don't understand coworkers who say silly things at the lunch table without a second thought (...) doing so seems to risk your upward mobility

Some people could not give less fucks about "upward mobility" (especially at the cost of some other things they value). They have what they want in life, and they'd rather be genuine...

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#116

Post by rootusrootus » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:51 PM UTC

feintruled wrote: post #61

crosvenir wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I try to deflect these types of statement with humor when possible. Comments about time are meet with the Gandalf quote, "A wizard is never late, [...] nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to." "Got a hair cut?" "Nope, I got all of them cut."

Yes, but then you are somewhat assuming the mantle of the resident stand-up comedian, might be hard to live up to! (Funny enough, I did brainstorm solutions as thought experiments. The one I saw working was to mercilessly point out what he was doing, every time he did it. "A-ha! Captain Obvious speaks!" "Got any obvious observations for me today?". But that would have been staggeringly cruel, after all the poor guy w…

Given the level of sarcasm that goes on in my own household, I don't know if I'd be able to resist saying "Aye, Captain!" if someone habitually greeted me with obvious observations all the time. I'm used to saying that pretty regularly to my seven- and nine-year-old kids.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#117

Post by asdfman123 » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:52 PM UTC

air7 wrote: post #36

Jaruzel wrote: post #7

I am rubbish at small talk. For one I'm not really that interested in other people, and secondly I find it really boring. As such, all jobs I've had as a permanent employee, I've found myself completely stymied when it came to career progression, despite always having very good performance reviews. It very clear to me, that the people who float to the top of organisations, don't do it via their work performance, but…

I used to think similarly but I found that both "other people" and "small talk" can be rather interesting if you approach them with a bit of an anthropological pov: Everyone is interesting if you dig just a bit (and I don't mean that in a hippy way but actually). You can make into your own game, to see if/how fast you can stir the conversation in an interesting direction. And even simple small talk is interesting bec…

I do like people and I'm fine with office chit-chat, but my major problem is I can't really steer conversations toward anything with any real depth in most situations unless I'm talking to people who like to debate or talk deeply about ideas.

And even then, I find myself sitting there learning about the intricacies of different automobile designs, which while better than small talk, can still be kind of boring.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#118

Post by ericmcer » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:54 PM UTC

thomk wrote: post #108

feintruled wrote: post #57

It can be quite a minefield. I worked with a guy whose chit-chat policy was disconcerting - stating the bleedin' obvious. "You are in early today!" "You are in late today!" "You are on time today!" "Wearing the red shirt again, I see!" "Got your hair cut!" While this 'say what you see' served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation. I felt like I…

This. I worked with someone who rotated the same asinine 1/2 dozen or so comments about me and my appearance or arrival time etc. It annoyed the shit out of me, but, I also realized he probably didn't know another way. Sometimes people are trying to find any way, in their limited ability, to connect with someone who is clearly smarter than they are. So they pick on you. A good first attempt to stop this is to try to…

Just a small tip since this entire thread is about socializing effectively, referring to yourself as extremely smart and others as morons bothering you with their attempts at friendship will not earn you points.

In general if you think you are smart the best way to demonstrate that is not by telling people about it. To paraphrase Geto Boys: “real gangstas don’t flex nuts cause real gangstas know they got em”

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#119

Post by asdfman123 » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:55 PM UTC

11thEarlOfMar wrote: post #76

Jaruzel wrote: post #7

I am rubbish at small talk. For one I'm not really that interested in other people, and secondly I find it really boring. As such, all jobs I've had as a permanent employee, I've found myself completely stymied when it came to career progression, despite always having very good performance reviews. It very clear to me, that the people who float to the top of organisations, don't do it via their work performance, but…

Two important capabilities of managers and leaders are communication and influence. Having a drink at the pub, or just making smalltalk on a regular basis, support both of those. It's easier to influence someone who trusts you, and who you know well. Senior management look for communicators and influencers when deciding whom to promote. A solid performer they have talked to, have seen interacting with others, and kno…

I feel most of the hard problems from an organizational perspective just involve getting people on the same page.

The engineer who few people know or trust but is always "right" isn't going to effect change. The one who can talk to Jane in accounting and convince her that this change is going to be better for everyone, because they have a good work relationship and she trusts him, is going to be able to put their plans into action.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#120

Post by journalctl » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:55 PM UTC

AnIdiotOnTheNet wrote: post #100

journalctl wrote: post #80

I don’t get why this is so hard for some Americans. “Good morning. How was your weekend? Did you do anything fun?” “Nah, just did a big Costco run and then cleaned a bit. You?” “I biked around a bit, then kinda relaxed on Sunday. Well, I’m gonna go make some coffee. Want anything?”

I don't know about other Americans, but for me it's because you can't give unexpected answers to such questions even if they are true. Instead you're just playing out a culturally mandated script.

Every day is filled with culturally-mandated scripts, though. You don’t belch in front of a date (unless you’re already super close). You say “please” and “thank you” to people. You make eye contact and nod occasionally when someone speaks to you. It’s impossible not to have norms like this (and if it weren’t these norms, it would be others). They might not make a lot of sense all the time, but that’s not their purpose.