The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat • Hacker News Board

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#71

Post by nikk1 » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:08 PM UTC

matwood wrote: post #59

My goto topics for office chitchat are TV shows, video games, and sports in that order. Most people have at least some show they watch and will talk about, and others typically have a video game of some sort they play. Sports used to be first, but I've run into many people who have zero interest or knowledge in any sport personal or otherwise. Topics I love to talk about but avoid, diet and exercise. Topics I avoid c…

Restaurants, bars, and events around town are a good topic as well. Travel is a good one too since many coworkers are either planning a vacation or were on one recently.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#72

Post by madacoo » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:08 PM UTC

feintruled wrote: post #61

crosvenir wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I try to deflect these types of statement with humor when possible. Comments about time are meet with the Gandalf quote, "A wizard is never late, [...] nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to." "Got a hair cut?" "Nope, I got all of them cut."

Yes, but then you are somewhat assuming the mantle of the resident stand-up comedian, might be hard to live up to! (Funny enough, I did brainstorm solutions as thought experiments. The one I saw working was to mercilessly point out what he was doing, every time he did it. "A-ha! Captain Obvious speaks!" "Got any obvious observations for me today?". But that would have been staggeringly cruel, after all the poor guy w…

That last approach would go down very well in some British offices.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#73

Post by pgt » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:08 PM UTC

mruts wrote: post #63

pgt wrote: post #22

Relationships develop through the escalating exchange of mutual vulnerability. A few people commented that I seemed to make friends very easily, so I started paying attention to my interactions with strangers. I noticed that I enjoyed sharing vulnerable anecdotes with people before inquiring about their own, e.g. dates gone wrong from the night before. Sure, sometimes I put my foot in my mouth, but people seem to lik…

One of the best way to make coworkers friends is to talk about drugs you’ve done. Now that you have mutual comprimate it will be very difficult for one of you to fuck the other without it backfiring. Another good way is to hang out with the smokers, even if you don’t smoke. I’ve noticed that people smoking together is a nexus of power, especially if a higher up or the CEO does it.

Beware of doing this, as it can easily backfire when abused by HR. Stick to exchanging stories that could not be deemed to have an impact on your job, or explain bad performance.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#74

Post by twoquestions » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:10 PM UTC

Small talk is an extremely high-risk low reward activity depending on your status with the company, especially if your manager has told you your status is utterly fixed.

How in the hell are you supposed to build a rapport with people who would as soon skin you alive as look at you, and only tolerate you for what you can do that no one else can?

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#75

Post by Loq » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:13 PM UTC

pgt wrote: post #69

Normal_gaussian wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There is an art to presenting vulnerability; to not diminish yourself whilst doing so. It not only improves your own outlook on yourself but helps prevent others using it against you, all whilst still being open and truthful. Its hard.

The strongest model I have for understanding the world is that your prefrontal cortex is a simulator that is always predicting. When something occurs that surprises you (like a glass breaking in a restaurant), the anomaly diverts your attention to the sound source so your visual system can feed more data to your model and rationalise the event. But when something happens that contradicts your model, it means your mod…

This is very insightful.

Incidentally, the essence of what you say (the mind is always predicting and learns from prediction failure) is also the essence of idealist philosophy, and has found its most advanced expression in Kant's Critique of Pure Reason. Unfortunately, Kant uses a language that's difficult to access today, so a lot Kant's insight has fallen out of today.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#76

Post by 11thEarlOfMar » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:13 PM UTC

Jaruzel wrote: post #7

I am rubbish at small talk. For one I'm not really that interested in other people, and secondly I find it really boring. As such, all jobs I've had as a permanent employee, I've found myself completely stymied when it came to career progression, despite always having very good performance reviews. It very clear to me, that the people who float to the top of organisations, don't do it via their work performance, but…

Two important capabilities of managers and leaders are communication and influence. Having a drink at the pub, or just making smalltalk on a regular basis, support both of those. It's easier to influence someone who trusts you, and who you know well.

Senior management look for communicators and influencers when deciding whom to promote. A solid performer they have talked to, have seen interacting with others, and know a thing or two about is more likely to get the nod.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#77

Post by tracker1 » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:15 PM UTC

Loq wrote: post #67

tracker1 wrote: post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My answer to that question: "Whiskey" As to the drinking after work... I think it's appropriate to set boundaries. I only drink a handful of times a year but will participate in some activities including outside work hours, I also don't have more than a single drink if I'm going to drive within a couple hours. Also, get two non-alcoholic drinks or glasses of water per alcoholic beverage, could pretty much stay close…

I agree with you, in that pretending to drink (e.g Tonic instead of Gin & Tonic) is probably what a lot of us do, and the obvious way out. But the point of drinking is not really being sociable, but making yourself vulnerable. Vulnerability and exploitability is the foundation of trust. By staying sober one undermines one of the core trust formation mechanism: by remaining sober and responsible, you avoid creating ex…

I'm not pretending to drink... I actually have a few, but have a few not alcohol too, I make no attempts to hide it when ordering. I'm generally pretty blunt without much filtering in general, I don't need alcohol for that.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#78

Post by Jedd » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:17 PM UTC

Vel0cityX wrote: post #66

Tade0 wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I don't understand coworkers who say silly things at the lunch table without a second thought I'm such a coworker. Two reasons I do this: 1. I don't care about "upward mobility". 2. People don't see me as a threat to theirs, which is a good thing, because you don't want an overly ambitious junior developer trying to prove his(or hers) worth by picking on you. Reason 0. is that weirdly enough it's good to appear som…

> weirdly enough it's good to appear somewhat "incompetent", but still in reality be able to deliver How so? To maintain lower expectations & set yourself up to surprise people positively?

If you don't see it coming when someone explains it, you definitely won't see it coming when it's not being forecast in a public forum.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#79

Post by mwcampbell » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:18 PM UTC

I hope that all-remote work environments will rise in popularity and level the playing field. Not only for introverts, but also for people with disabilities that make it difficult to participate in casual conversation. I dream of an environment where a deaf person, a person with a severe speech impediment, an autistic person, people with other disabilities that don't prevent one from making small talk (e.g. blindness), and yes, some people with no severe disability can all work together, without necessarily even being aware of each other's conditions, because they're all working remotely and using text to communicate and get their work done.

Disclaimer: I work in accessibility, and am legally blind myself, so maybe I fixate too much on disability-related issues sometimes. I can make small talk at the office though.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#80

Post by journalctl » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:18 PM UTC

I don’t get why this is so hard for some Americans. “Good morning. How was your weekend? Did you do anything fun?” “Nah, just did a big Costco run and then cleaned a bit. You?” “I biked around a bit, then kinda relaxed on Sunday. Well, I’m gonna go make some coffee. Want anything?”