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The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

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Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#81

Post by borumpilot »

RickJWagner wrote: post #51

My wife is amazing. She can walk into a Wal-Mart, and within minutes some stranger will be telling her their life story. I, on the other hand, suffer from Programmer's Disease. I can walk into a crowded room, approach someone and try to strike up a conversation and have the discussion killed in 3 minutes. I try to improve. I really do. I think it's a gift we're born with.

For me and my wife that works basically the same, but I have found method to the madness.

1. She loves it when I come to save her when the tone of the spontaneous discussion is not to her liking and nothing kills said discussions faster then me participating.

2. When I strike it, my conversations tends to be very subject focused and will leave me and the other person smarter and more informed.

So what I do now is either I stand beside her and try to enjoy the (for me) meaningless chatter (I really like the high pitched voices of socially engaged people), or I will try to find that one other weirdo in the room who holds a ton of knowledge in an area that I'm completely blank about and suck as much as possible information out of them.

That is where my 35 years of continence improvement have led me. YMMV.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#82

Post by breakbread »

feintruled wrote: post #57

It can be quite a minefield. I worked with a guy whose chit-chat policy was disconcerting - stating the bleedin' obvious. "You are in early today!" "You are in late today!" "You are on time today!" "Wearing the red shirt again, I see!" "Got your hair cut!" While this 'say what you see' served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation. I felt like I…

For whatever reason, I can stand when people comment on what I've brought for lunch.

"Hey, that looks pretty good!""Smells good! What'cha got there?""Bring me some next time!"

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#83

Post by war1025 »

Vel0cityX wrote: post #66
Tade0 wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I don't understand coworkers who say silly things at the lunch table without a second thought I'm such a coworker. Two reasons I do this: 1. I don't care about "upward mobility". 2. People don't see me as a threat to theirs, which is a good thing, because you don't want an overly ambitious junior developer trying to prove his(or hers) worth by picking on you. Reason 0. is that weirdly enough it's good to appear som…

> weirdly enough it's good to appear somewhat "incompetent", but still in reality be able to deliver How so? To maintain lower expectations & set yourself up to surprise people positively?

What came to mind first for me about this situation was this parable from Luke 14:

""" When someone invites you to a wedding feast, do not take the place of honor, for a person more distinguished than you may have been invited. If so, the host who invited both of you will come and say to you, 'Give this person your seat.' Then, humiliated, you will have to take the least important place. But when you are invited, take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, 'Friend, move up to a better place.' Then you will be honored in the presence of all the other guests. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. """

Basically, it gives people the opportunity to vouch for you, which is good for social capital.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#84

Post by Loq »

pgt wrote: post #73
mruts wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One of the best way to make coworkers friends is to talk about drugs you’ve done. Now that you have mutual comprimate it will be very difficult for one of you to fuck the other without it backfiring. Another good way is to hang out with the smokers, even if you don’t smoke. I’ve noticed that people smoking together is a nexus of power, especially if a higher up or the CEO does it.

Beware of doing this, as it can easily backfire when abused by HR. Stick to exchanging stories that could not be deemed to have an impact on your job, or explain bad performance.

This is true, but ...

... you can analyse this in a different way: think long term! The more successful you are in your job, the more you will bump into the same people again and again later, sometimes a decade later. Somebody else abused your trust by talking to HR, hence you could decide on the simple policy of never trusting them again, and cut them out of your high-trust network. Some fail your trust-related tests, some pass. Use this information wisely. (Note that an alternative policy is not being too history-sensitive, and let bygones be bygones.)

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#85

Post by war1025 »

twoquestions wrote: post #70
distant_hat wrote: post #24

The vast majority of office chitchat is like a carrier wave in radio. It doesn't transmit much information other than I am a normal human who you can turn to when it is needed. There is a fair amount of politics etc that is conveyed more through body language and dominance dynamics rather than the actual words exchanged.

Except they don't care about you. Someone could burst through the door and skin you alive, but your coworkers won't be in the least bit perturbed unless: 1) Your mutilation was against company policy 2) Some bits of you got on their shirt. Personally, I'd much rather deal with people knives drawn rather than work hard pretending to care if each other lives or dies.

Sounds like a wild place to work at.

Also sounds like a great way to end up isolated and alone. Even at work, you sometimes need people in your corner.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#86

Post by Porthos9K »

Loq wrote: post #48
Normal_gaussian wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There is an art to presenting vulnerability; to not diminish yourself whilst doing so. It not only improves your own outlook on yourself but helps prevent others using it against you, all whilst still being open and truthful. Its hard.

Could you give an example? The most popular trust-creation mechanism for adults seems to be getting drunk together, which reliably leads to little infractions, which every witness has the choice to exploit or not. The latter option engenders trust. "I don't trust someone that I didn't get drunk with" is a sentiment I've heard repeatedly, both privately and professionally. The most successful startup that I worked for…

> "I don't trust someone that I didn't get drunk with" is a sentiment I've heard repeatedly, both privately and professionally.

That's something I've heard as well, and I tell them that drinking with me is a bad idea, and getting me drunk is even worse. Because that's when my persona slips and my shadow comes out to play -- and my shadow is kinda like Sam Kinison, only not funny.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#87

Post by grenoire »

gil wrote: post #21
not_a_moth wrote: post #11

I think the essential office chitchat issue is "being yourself" vs. "seeming like a high quality professional". I've found out the hard way that relaxing and aiming for a real conversation carries a high % chance of saying something unbecoming of a team leader. Better pay attention to appearances when you're at work. I don't understand coworkers who say silly things at the lunch table without a second thought, or tho…

> I think the essential office chitchat issue is "being yourself" vs. "seeming like a high quality professional". I've found out the hard way that relaxing and aiming for a real conversation carries a high % chance of saying something unbecoming of a team leader. Indeed, this is a very good way to put it. Although I do understand people who say silly things at the lunch table without a second thought - they value fun…

I have foregone an opportunity to work for a very big company straight out of graduation simply because I just enjoyed my internship there too much, and it was in complete contrast to how my peers described their experiences with their internships, traineeships, or full-time jobs. I enjoy my upward mobility in a smaller company with some potential, working with people who don't take themselves too seriously (because they had to years ago anyway).

It's more comfortable, and it makes me want to go back to work on Monday.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#88

Post by vorpalhex »

not_a_moth wrote: post #11

I think the essential office chitchat issue is "being yourself" vs. "seeming like a high quality professional". I've found out the hard way that relaxing and aiming for a real conversation carries a high % chance of saying something unbecoming of a team leader. Better pay attention to appearances when you're at work. I don't understand coworkers who say silly things at the lunch table without a second thought, or tho…

I see the general direction you're coming from, but in my own mental model I see the following divide:

1. Things that are simply silly. I like assembling toy models. Is it silly? Absolutely. Am I shy about talking about it with peers or making jokes about it? Nope. It's just silly. Same goes for my favorite wing place or a dozen other topics.

2. Things that are possibly offensive. A good model here is "combustible topics". Even if the topic itself may not bother someone, it could become that way. Religion, politics, social theory, etc. It's not that I don't have plenty of opinions here, it's that work is not the right place to raise these up. I also recommend avoiding them at family events, and any other situation in which strangers are trapped into conversing with you.

But I agree with this: > I don't understand... those who base their social lives around co-workers

Dangerous territory. You may be great friends in real life but be on opposite sides of the table at work or vice versa. Worst of all, you may find out someone who you work with constantly has several behaviors or opinions you find distasteful. Keep some space.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#89

Post by [deleted] »

gexla wrote: post #50

Smalltalk is improv. It's yes... and. You take turns with the hot potato. You take your turn and then pass it. It's creating a story. Take whatever what was passed to you, add something quirky and then pass it back. It's fun to add something off the wall, a bit ridiculous. Doing this takes courage. You WILL make mistakes. At times, you may cringe at yourself. Putting yourself out there, taking small risks is the spic…

[deleted]

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#90

Post by beckingz »

twoquestions wrote: post #70
distant_hat wrote: post #24

The vast majority of office chitchat is like a carrier wave in radio. It doesn't transmit much information other than I am a normal human who you can turn to when it is needed. There is a fair amount of politics etc that is conveyed more through body language and dominance dynamics rather than the actual words exchanged.

Except they don't care about you. Someone could burst through the door and skin you alive, but your coworkers won't be in the least bit perturbed unless: 1) Your mutilation was against company policy 2) Some bits of you got on their shirt. Personally, I'd much rather deal with people knives drawn rather than work hard pretending to care if each other lives or dies.

remind me to never work for your company.
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