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Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#91
post #4

I worked at a place like that. I wasn't even aware of the problem. It was just how things were. One day our director called a meeting and announced that our whole department had a serious issue with interrupting. He noted the results of interrupting each other (not hearing each other out, drifting off topic, just being seen by the rest of the company as jerks). He laid out a bunch of rules for meetings, discussions,…

What kind of rules?

Mostly about anyone adding something had to tie it to what the other person was talking directly, wrap it up with a summary and sort segway it back to the origional speaker.

Generally the meeting holder called on people and such.

Lots of "let's address that at another time" kind of stuff from the person holding the meetings.

Meetings had agendas.

After that it sort of bleed into how most conversations went.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#92
I used to have a big problem with this. My family culture values slow, serial communication, so "cooperative overlapping" of the sort practiced at my workplace came across to me as rudeness. That meant my frustration at not being heard was amplified by negative connotations about why I was getting steamrollered during meetings.

One thing that helped me was to understand the motivations of those involved. It's easy to think somebody is rude, or showing off, but fortunately I started from a place of deep respect for the capabilities of everyone in my group, and eventually a great affection for them. I saw that we had a few individuals who, if they weren't interrupting, it meant they weren't interested. After I realized this, I started to prize the guy practically jumping out of his chair to take over what I was saying, because it meant he was engaged and excited by it.

Nevertheless, I did often think about the effect on people who might be less self-confident than me, or quieter (we had a lot of students passing through in those days). In the end, if I needed to be heard, I could raise my own voice just as effectively as anybody else in the group -- but not everybody can do that.

It came to a head one group meeting, when a foreign researcher came to present some results. His presentation effectively ended after a few slides, because it got derailed by the back-and-forth of the "audience". I was really steaming and embarrassed.

He agreed to come back the following week, so I sent round an e-mail saying we had all better be on good behavior. I told the group I would bring three notebooks -- one green, one yellow, and one red. The meeting would start with the green one on top of the stack, and if I got annoyed, I would move the yellow one to the top. If the red one came to the top, I would -- well, I don't remember what I threatened, but it couldn't have been very scary, since I had no power.

In the event, the green notebook stayed on top. Not only was the group on strictly respectful behavior for the presenter, but I think it got better generally for a long time afterwards. I think seeing how that behavior affected an outsider gave everybody a little pause, and made us see ourselves better. But again, I think the details of this anecdote show what a great group of people these were. As a junior team member, I felt able to express and act on my disappointment, and everybody listened and tried to accommodate me.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#93

You say to the other person, loudly and firmly "hang on X, I haven't finished" then you carry on until you're done. There's no magic to it, no reliance on a corporate directive, or gimmick like a talking stick or hacky sack. You just directly address the other persons behaviour.

I was in one particular meeting where I had some technical details I was trying to give (that were actually relevant and important). But each time I started trying to give them, I got interrupted by the marketing people. (One in particular. She was pretty loud, too.) I backed off, because I figured that there would be another point in the meeting where I could lay out the tech stuff.

But after the third time, when she interrupted, I just continued (louder than her), "As I was saying, the way the tech works is..."

She didn't interrupt me again. (Of course, I didn't say much more in the meeting once I said what I needed to...) I don't remember whether she interrupted anyone else after that.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#94
Direct and polite. I'm in awe that there is so much toxic advice in this thread. All these suggestions about just continuing talking over the other person, like some kind of competition, have no place in the workplace. It's not that hard...

Please let me finish.

Excuse me, I wasn't done with my point.

Jen, were you trying to say something?

I'll address that as soon as I'm done with what I was saying.

Hold on, let me just finish what I was saying.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#95
post #76

I have a problem cutting people off- I get way to excited about what I want to say and jump in. I really appreciate when people call me out and don't take it personally. I also try to work on it and try to help steer the conversation to other people who have been cut off when I see it happen. So IMO don't be afraid to politely just let someone know! If you don't feel comfortable during the meeting, maybe speak with t…

I wonder is some of you here recognizing own interrupting problem have got ADHD symptoms and diagnosis? Isn't it strongly correlated with Primarily Hyperactive-Impulsive trait?

I’m not sure why you’re getting downvoted, because it absolutely is. It’s what lead me to go get tested. I just got so frustrated with myself because I just couldn’t stop interrupting, even when I was consciously working on it. At some point my wife pointed out it was an ADHD symptom, and my immediate reaction was to shrug it off. I’m a CS major, I’ve always held a steady job, and, I’ve never had problems concentrating on complicated problems.

Turns out keeping your attention on something interesting isn’t actually a problem for people with ADHD. It’s the boring stuff that’s hard, and boy do I hate the boring stuff. We pay people to clean our house. I’ve had take away (healthy and organic of course) at least two days a week since I left home. I’ve paid people to do my laundry for as long as I’ve had a decent job. Heh. Long story short, I’m now in the process of being tested for ADHD. I’m not sure the results will change anything, I’ve done fine so far after all, but knowing is better, and it was interrupting people that started it.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Most interrupters are exactly like andrewcarter here, they just get excited. When someone does it they're most likely not trying to be rude, and it's well within your consideration to air your complaint, "I am happy to hear your thoughts, but please let me finish my own before you share yours." It isn't a rude or confrontational sentiment. Nobody likes being interrupted, and nobody likes being called-out as an interr…

I have this issue too, I think it also has to do a bit with cultural background sometimes. I grew up in a hispanic family in a majority hispanic community, where my everyday conversation with people was people talking over each other. It was common to start making your point while the other person was still finishing theirs. The difference is, because everyone did it, we would just keep talking , even if we were cut…

"One of the most striking aspects of high involvement style that I found and analyzed in detail was the use of what I called 'cooperative overlap': a listener talking along with a speaker not in order to interrupt but to show enthusiastic listenership and participation. The concept of overlap versus interruption became one of the cornerstones of my argument that the stereotype of New York Jews as pushy and aggressive is an unfortunate reflection of the effect of high involvement style in conversation with speakers who use a different style. (In my study I called the other style 'high considerateness')."

Deborah Tannen, Gender and Discourse. Oxford University Press, 1994

https://www.thoughtco.com/cooperative-overlap-conversation-1...

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#98
post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Try keeping a stopwatch in your head (think speed chess). Start it when you start talking, and periodically make it a habit to check ("How long has it been since someone else talked?"). If it's been too long, wrap up your thoughts and pause a while before launching into the next bit. It's usually obliviousness ("I didn't notice anyone else", in my personal experience), but it can feel very rude to others ("I didn't w…

I do it too & I hate it. My worry is that if I don't say it immediately I'll forget my comment/argument. I've tried scribbling it down and raise them later. But not very consistent in this process.

I tell myself it's always better my idea goes unheard than someone else not get to share theirs.

If it's really important, I'll remember it.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#99

Raise it with your manager, if it's peer's discussion then someone should moderate. When my team has meetings, I moderate. I make sure those remote get to speak first, and then I make sure no one is speaking for too long and call other's by name to add their ideas. If someone interrupts, I cut them off and tell the person that was speaking to continue.

Is there no sense of personal accountability at your company? Why can't your workers be trusted to take care of simple, everyday social problems like this?

I don't like interrupters any more than the next person, but i consider myself an adult and want to work with adults -- I can't imagine needing a babysitter like this.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#100
I had the same problem, and fixing it was one of the hardest things I've even done.

The problem was me, and that I was boring to listen to.

I worked on making my statements shorter, funnier, getting better at analogies so people could follow along with a picture in their heads (especially when speaking to non technical people about technical issues), and by promising something interesting in the first sentence and then not giving that info until the end of my statement.

I don't use all those techniques all the time, but every time I take over a big group conversation I will be conscientiously thinking about doing one of them. It's been 5-6 years of effort and I went from extremely boring to now being consistently asked to give presentations because people think my speaking is entertaining.

I also always played devils advocate, and presented the best case from both sides of an argument whenever a big decision was being discussed. I stopped doing that completely and don't share my inner debates. Everyone has their own and they don't need to be informed by yours.

People just want new interesting information + plans for action with strong reasoning briefly summarized.

If all your statements are like the following, you will find people cutting you off less and less...

"I found X that you will never believe! And after spending all day analyzing this new information I recommend we quickly adopt Y before disaster happens. Any questions?"

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