Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic? • Hacker News Board

Re: Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic?

#141

Post by astura » Mon, Mar 05, 2018, 7:28 PM UTC

tripa wrote: post #113

atomical wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Q: Would you like to become a member? A: No thank you. I'm an atheist who is just here for the social interaction and community. How does this end well?

I actually don't see why it shouldn't. As mentioned above, most churchgoers are nice people, and I can't conceive of anyone throwing the atheist out on grounds of “convert or leave”.

That's pretty wishful (or perhaps naïve) thinking. A family member of mine literary hasn't spoken to me in over two decades because I told her I didn't believe in god when I was 12. She asked me out of nowhere, I said no, that was it, I was no longer to be in her life in any capacity. She also tries to meddle in my business telling other people I am not to be trusted because "you can only trust someone who fears god."

Its been my experience that most people who are devout enough to go to church are exactly the "convert or leave" type. Church is a very tribal place.

Not to mention that the type of people who want to spend their time doing church activities are people I find horrifically boring and have ZERO common ground with. May be less so if you're male.

Re: Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic?

#142

Post by marnett » Mon, Mar 05, 2018, 7:32 PM UTC

legulere wrote: post #122

drdeadringer wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It feels like one of those things which creeps on you, and before you know it, you aren't attending social events, you don't have much energy or confidence, your perception of others becomes skewed, and it all seems pretty helpless. "How did you get lonely?" "Gradually, then suddenly." ... I wonder if there aren't many aspects of life like this.

I checked this out as I heard the phrase before. "Gradually, then suddenly" seems to be originally a quote from Hemmingway in The Sun Also Rises about bankrupcy: “How did you go bankrupt?" - "Two ways. Gradually, then suddenly.” It is quoted then in the context of depression in the movie Prozac Nation: "Gradually, then suddenly." That's how depression hits. You wake up one morning, afraid that you're gonna live.

Hemmingway's The Sun Also Rises is an amazing novel for anyone who has not read it. Some truly amazing characters and social dynamics are laid out in that book. I finished it in one sitting when I read it a few years back, it was a page-turner in a weird, unmatched kind of way.

Re: Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic?

#143

Post by marnett » Mon, Mar 05, 2018, 7:33 PM UTC

hestipod wrote: post #93

drdeadringer wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It feels like one of those things which creeps on you, and before you know it, you aren't attending social events, you don't have much energy or confidence, your perception of others becomes skewed, and it all seems pretty helpless. "How did you get lonely?" "Gradually, then suddenly." ... I wonder if there aren't many aspects of life like this.

"Gradually then suddenly" This phrase, it's context, and your follow up thought have affected me in a raw and uncomofortable way I wasn't expecting today.

In what ways? I'm interested to hear what it made you think of.

Re: Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic?

#144

Post by montecarl » Mon, Mar 05, 2018, 7:35 PM UTC

tekkk wrote: post #135

colmvp wrote: post #57

I think loneliness is especially bad for men as we are prone to hide our mental health and true feelings/emotions, not seek medical attention when we need it, and generally have less intimate discussions with friends as compared to women. So a lot of men end up suffering loneliness for a long period of time without any emotional support. It feels like one of those things which creeps on you, and before you know it, y…

Now that I started to think about it how does one create deep relationships? It never occurred to me that I should be taught these things. It has just sorta happened, at times at least. Nowadays I only wonder how I used to be much closer to people but the idea of creating stronger friendships is vague. Is is just by hanging around long enough with other people? Or should we actively seek to bring up issues that we ca…

I think one of the best ways to create deep relationships is to actively help others.

Your co-worker mentions that they are moving next month: offer to help move. Your friend's kids are sick and they are stuck at home caring for them: bring them dinner. If you have some older friends (maybe from church) there are often things around the house they might need help with.

Once you have helped someone once, your name will come up in their mind next time they are in a tough situation. This is almost the definition of a "deep relationship": a person who you know you can rely on and who will help you if you really need it. Other "shallow" relationships are people who you just like to talk to or go have a drink with.

Re: Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic?

#145

Post by copperx » Mon, Mar 05, 2018, 7:43 PM UTC

montecarl wrote: post #144

tekkk wrote: post #135

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Now that I started to think about it how does one create deep relationships? It never occurred to me that I should be taught these things. It has just sorta happened, at times at least. Nowadays I only wonder how I used to be much closer to people but the idea of creating stronger friendships is vague. Is is just by hanging around long enough with other people? Or should we actively seek to bring up issues that we ca…

I think one of the best ways to create deep relationships is to actively help others. Your co-worker mentions that they are moving next month: offer to help move. Your friend's kids are sick and they are stuck at home caring for them: bring them dinner. If you have some older friends (maybe from church) there are often things around the house they might need help with. Once you have helped someone once, your name wil…

This is exactly how you do it in adulthood.

Re: Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic?

#146

Post by rndmize » Mon, Mar 05, 2018, 7:46 PM UTC

hestipod wrote: post #62

doughj3 wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> A "remote social life" is not even close to the same thing and chats online or the phone with "disposable friends" and strangers who have a clear and easy disconnect from your real life don't fill the hole a lack of enduring, present human contact leaves and usually take precious energy with no real benefit. Maybe this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anecdotally, I and others I know have formed deep, meaningful rela…

I've been in this situation to worsening degrees for 15 years...It really upsets me to hear people say I am causing it (self fulfilling) or not doing it right. I am glad you were able to make connections online...it's not something that replaces that need in me. I need real life face to face interaction. It is also farther down the list than my immediate problems and having a new friend is not going to fix my life or…

This is probably going to sound like terrible advice, but I'd pick up an MMO. If you're stuck in a rural area and have physical issues with travel or can't afford it, your options for face-to-face contact are pretty much nil. Games with a heavy social component at least get you some parts of human contact - chat, voice, group problem solving and objectives, something in common to discuss.

Re: Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic?

#147

Post by marnett » Mon, Mar 05, 2018, 7:54 PM UTC

hasbroslasher wrote: post #87

agumonkey wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wonder if metrics are not a conclusion to us. We often see society as a problem, so more and more we try to loosen our need for it. We have more flexibility to move, now more flexibility to speak to people without having much ties with them. We don't have to care much or suffer them if we don't want to. Maybe we're crossing a line of diminishing returns (if not the case for a while already).

> We often see society as a problem, so more and more we try to loosen our need for it I think that about sums up the "loneliness epidemic". Loneliness and social disconnection are exactly the results of seeking to loosen our need for society. Our society (regardless of where you live, the global monoculture is still there), is sick and we see it largely in Western post-industrial nations like the U.K. and U.S.A. As…

Much of what you said, discussions on post-industrial, post-modern societies with capitalistic incentives driving more-and-more societal aspects, echoes the sentiment from Daniel Bell's The Cultural Contradictions of Capitalism.

Re: Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic?

#148

Post by simion314 » Mon, Mar 05, 2018, 7:55 PM UTC

hestipod wrote: post #103

simion314 wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I understand, I have exchanged messages with a other person, it was like an email at the end of the week checking up on what happen that week. I am not sure how to set emails public, I can't see your email, you can contact me at my_hn_id@gmail.com, I am not offended if you don't want to connect so don't worry about me.

Thanks. I know my email was there in the profile, even if cryptically in the info bit as others have written me. Maybe I changed a privacy setting inadvertently and will check. I dont want you to get spammed posting your email in the open here as they seem to even vacuum up attempts at ciphering them like that, so if you care about that or want to delete yours in the above post I have saved it.

I found it, but contact me when/if you feel you are in the mood. I know how it is, sometimes you want to be alone sometimes you hate how lonely you are.

Re: Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic?

#149

Post by enervate » Mon, Mar 05, 2018, 8:01 PM UTC

jchrisa wrote: post #83

hliyan wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agreed. Perhaps this is not exactly what you meant, but I do feel that shared spaces are shrinking and private spaces are expanding. I found this particular quote from The Atlantic quite telling: "The United States is in some ways becoming a medieval society, in which people live and work in the modern equivalent of castles--gated communities, apartment buildings with doormen, and office buildings with guards--and tr…

Sell your car and start biking year round. You won't be lonely for long.

Is this just dark humor or are cyclists just gregarious?

Re: Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic?

#150

Post by pmoriarty » Mon, Mar 05, 2018, 8:02 PM UTC

I've been going to a lot of meetups (from meetup.com) in the past year, and sadly I've come away pretty disappointed, for a number of reasons:

1 - I'm just not in the least bit interested in the overwhelming majority of meetups out there. So there really aren't a lot of interesting meetups for me to choose from.

2 - Way too many of the meetups are actually businesses in disguise. They're looking to sell you a class or get you to pay admission for an event. This might not be a big deal for someone with more disposable income, but it is often a deal breaker for me.

3 - Most meetups meet for just the event itself, and everyone leaves right afterwards, leaving no opportunity to interact with the people there.

4 - For the handful of a handful of meetups which are interesting, not businesses in disguise, and actually leave some time for interaction before/after the meetup: apart from the single shared interest that we all presumably have in the subject of the meetup itself, the people you meet are going to be pretty random and so the odds of making a genuine connection are still going to be pretty low, in my experience, especially if you're shy.

5 - Usually you don't see these people again until the next meetup, which is usually a month later. So you talk to these people maybe for an hour a month. Not much of a chance to make a connection.

Overall, I just really haven't had much luck with meetups, in terms of making friends. I've done better with dating sites, honestly. At least with those, I can be pretty sure before I even go to meet someone that we have a whole bunch of things in common, and can pretty quickly sense if there's some chemistry between us, and if not just move on to the next person. It's harder to do that with random people at meetups. Just my 2 cents.