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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#551

Post by _mischief »

36, recently moved to London and struggling to find friends, especially other techies.

I know people often recommend meetups, and I have attended a variety of those over the last year. The pattern I've noticed, especially on tech meetups, is that people show up in small groups with their existing friends or colleagues. If you come up and start a conversation, they mostly don't engage (bring up new topics, respond at length) - they just respond in a passive way to keep the minimum level of politeness, and wait until you realise they want to go back to talking with their friends. Starting a conversation with a stranger seems to be a rude thing to do, since you're making them uncomfortable.

The ones that do engage turn out to be non-tech (recruiters, marketers, people who want to start a tech career but don't know how), or people desperately looking for a job and thus checking if you can get them into anything.

What success I've had was:

- making friends at work (but for some reason it's always non-tech people - probably for the competition reason mentioned in the article - and it falls apart because they already have better friends they prioritise)

- starting a gaming group (but that had no followup - if I don't run a game, people don't invite me to their other things)

- making friends with a neighbour (an old lady open to friendship with anyone, that seems to have held up since she's retired and has lots of time)

At this point, I'm lost for ideas.

Google "London friends" or something, and you'll find people talking about how they're lonely and they'd like more friends. Seriously, where do those mythical lonely people exist?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#552

Post by BrandoElFollito »

emodendroket wrote: post #510
BrandoElFollito wrote: post #357

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This reminds me of all these obese people who a are obese because of "health issues", to cover their horrific lifestyle. 98% of the cases, probably (I am being generous). Same with the timekeeping : some feel that they are so unique and mentally impaired that keeping time is beyond them. But they just do not give a shit about others. I was 30 kg overweight and had all kind of excuses (including a medical condition).…

I can't see why you've brought this analogy into the discussion, because the two things are not very similar. Refraining from being late to one appointment does not activate any bodily instinct that you need to be late to the next one.

This is the "I am so special so you should understand that I am late" (and wait for me), an analogy to "I am so special, so you should understand why I am overweight" (and I am taking your space in the plane, or your health tax later)

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#553

Post by cheschire »

trowway21 wrote: post #544
cheschire wrote: post #534

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The extent of your personality test for me was reading my post on mobile.

I was simply pointing out that what you had typed in the comment that I replied to, is exactly what the dude who came up with those 'types' wrote down as definitions.

Context helps, thanks. Your other post felt more like you were throwing your knowledge in my face and calling me wrong.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#554

Post by psyc »

amyjess wrote: post #384
ryandrake wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My conversations with folks of that “era” always seem to be more diverse, interesting and surprising. You never know what direction the conversation will go when you meet someone new. I have a few hobbies where the practitioners tend toward older and through these activities met exceptional people. I love hearing about the the war, Woodstock, actual political change, the drug fueled 70s, etc. Interesting careers that…

The thing though is that I want a peer. I want someone with a similar outlook on life who I can muddle through life with. The people you describe all sound like fascinating characters, but they're not peers. I'm 33, and I don't even see people my age as peers. I'm still a big kid at heart, and when I see people my age who are getting married, having kids, climbing the career ladder, it just reinforces that people my…

I'm a child-free man. My best friend of 12 years is a mother of 2, and 10 years older than me. We're extremely similar people, with extremely similar interests. We just have completely different daily lives. I'd really struggle to think of her as not a peer. But my identification goes in the opposite direction - I identify more more older people. So it's possible you could find peers among 20-somethings?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#555

Post by BrandoElFollito »

emodendroket wrote: post #505
BrandoElFollito wrote: post #483

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My comments are not bordering on fat-shaming, they are fat-shaming. Not the "ha ha ha, look at this guy, gross" fat-shaming, but the "stop lying to yourself and publicly expressing the fact that I should treat you in a special way" fat-shaming. I understand that not everyone has will power. I understand that this means that these people will be overweight. What I do not understand is that we need to be extra careful…

I "love" this stuff about how fat people need ridicule to snap out of it and stop being fat. Trust me, anybody who is fat is acutely aware of it without your advice. As for your other ideas, by the time you're trying to sort out worthies you don't actually have a social state in any meaningful sense. You can find some fault with most people. "Why did you work in a mine when you knew it could cause black lung? Why did…

I am not ridiculing anyone, I just do not want any special treatment for someone who willingly gets into that state. Try to spend a intercontinental flight next to this poor 170 kg guy as I did once and you may agree that - because they decided to be fat - they should pay two places in order to accommodate everyone.

BTW, I was 30 kg overweight. Then decided not to be anymore.

"Why did you work in a mine when you knew it could cause black lung?" - because I had to in order to bring money for my family. I have in very high esteem such people. As you say, you get the idea.

"Why did you willingly eat nasty stuff knowing what will happen, and you absolutely did not have to because you live in a country where you can get healthy (= normal, not some bio stuff) food?" - that's harder to explain. But still - this is a choice, we are free people, just do not come later stating that "you should understand, I have all these reasons not to be on time". Sorry, overweight, to get back to the main thread.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#556

Post by intrasight »

77pt77 wrote: post #211
hx2a wrote: post #26

I'm 42, and I wish someone told me in my 20's it would be harder to make new friends as I got older. I would have done things differently. I would have put more effort into making friends then. I am able to make new friends, but they end up being more like acquaintances most of the time. Currently I am in grad school, and that's working out well for me. There's something about the shared camaraderie and shared suffer…

> I'm 42 > Currently I am in grad school A post about being in grad school at 42 would be something I'd read.

I though the same!

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#557

Post by heedlessly2 »

erikb wrote: post #541
kokey wrote: post #508

As someone who has been an expat in several locations and also divorced, I have found that it's not really due to age but down to where the people around you find themselves in their life and where you find yourself in life. When young people go to college a significant portion of them are in a situation where they would need to seek and develop new friendships. The same happens if you move to a location which has a…

Also, it's hard but not impossible. I'm in that situation right now, where I work in a new location but most of my colleagues have established lifes here. However there are also a small number of colleagues in similar situations, and also there's some movement going on all the time. So yes, my friendships don't grow as quickly as I'd like, but they grow. One thing to note though is that one needs to pursue it proacti…

>Don't be ashamed to ask people to add you to their whatsapp group

That is rude and looks desperate. If a group actually likes you, then they would invite you first. As a general rule, never invite yourself to anything social. You can invite others to your place or to have dinner, but not to something else somebody already planned

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#558

Post by Cabal »

warabe wrote: post #192

As a gay man who is almost 30, I think making friends is relatively easy for gay people thanks to dating apps. Perhaps, you cannot same gender friends in Tinder (if I'm wrong, please correct me), but a lot of gay people are using dating apps not only to find relationships but also to find friends. I also think social isolation around gay people makes friendship among gay people special. I don't know much about Wester…

We've had similar experiences in the swinging lifestyle (not to compare the two in any way, it just seemed like a good place to add our experience). We moved to a new area 2500 miles away, tried our best to make friends, had kids a few years later, tried again to make new friends with other parents (had a few successes), and then later on got into swinging.

WOW. You will never find a friendlier bunch of people who are always looking for new friends, even when there isn't attraction present (a common mistake in the vanilla world is that lifestylers have sex with anything that moves). It is the most welcoming community we've ever been a part of.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#559

Post by benhoyt »

gowld wrote: post #294
pwaai wrote: post #206

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think this is a uniquely Anglo cultural thing, in the backdrop of a stricter gender norms formed out of industrialization. Everybody is so afraid of being seen as gay while maintaining a front of being politically correct about it (I suppose there is genuine fear of being publicly labelled a homophobe or a racist). In almost all parts of the world, there's nothing wrong with grown men hanging out or grabbing drinks…

Perversely, in some very homophobic cultures, men hold hands with men because they are so homophobic that there is not even an insinuation that they might be willing to publicly show homosexual inclinations, so handholding is assumed platonic.

Yes, this is common for Arab men -- when I was in Sudan men (even middle aged and older men) held hands walking down the street. To a westerner it just looks very odd, but it's normal for them.

However, I think your (gowld's) comment transfers a lot of cultural baggage and sexual-orientation lingo from western culture in a way that I think is quite rude. Those Sudanese guys weren't holding hands "peversely, because they're so homophobic", they're doing that because that's how they've grown up and it's a totally normal thing for male friends to do over there.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#560

Post by emodendroket »

BrandoElFollito wrote: post #555
emodendroket wrote: post #505

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I "love" this stuff about how fat people need ridicule to snap out of it and stop being fat. Trust me, anybody who is fat is acutely aware of it without your advice. As for your other ideas, by the time you're trying to sort out worthies you don't actually have a social state in any meaningful sense. You can find some fault with most people. "Why did you work in a mine when you knew it could cause black lung? Why did…

I am not ridiculing anyone, I just do not want any special treatment for someone who willingly gets into that state. Try to spend a intercontinental flight next to this poor 170 kg guy as I did once and you may agree that - because they decided to be fat - they should pay two places in order to accommodate everyone. BTW, I was 30 kg overweight. Then decided not to be anymore. "Why did you work in a mine when you knew…

It might be a little harder to explain why it was necessary that you play Starcraft until you get tendonitis; should we also deny treatment to that guy? Maybe we should deny treatment for venereal disease because nobody "needs" to have sex with multiple partners.

As an American person, I feel it is likely I have encountered at least as many fat people as you have, if not more, so appeals to your personal experience aren't that convincing.

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