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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#351

Post by nitrogen »

groby_b wrote: post #285
JimboOmega wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

It's quite arrogant for one to think that just because someone is late, they are late out of a lack of respect for one's time. The early person upset their time was wasted is being equally if not more selfish by expecting everyone to move to their whims.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#352

Post by loorinm »

wruza wrote: post #348

My guess is that I’m not interested in people at all, and so are my remaining friends. From time to time you meet a person who has a potential to be friends with, but all the potential activities you’ve already seen and got bored of. I don’t get drunk, high, do not do crazy things or sharp discussions anymore. Common interests are just that - common interests. What makes you friends with someone is not just spending…

There are a lot of worthy causes that are great places to make “warlike” effort in. Therefore friendships happen when each individual chooses to go fight the war worth fighting. Your friends are the people who meet you there on the battlefield.

Whether it’s equality or justice or art or freedom or inclusion or community, those are all things worth fighting for.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#353

Post by nitrogen »

shaklee3 wrote: post #342
JimboOmega wrote: post #332

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

It's really not that hard unless you have kids. Just leave earlier. Like someone said, you wouldn't be late for a flight since you actually care.

There's a question of cost. Maybe you can be on time for a flight once in a while, but it costs you so much X (time, mental energy, money, whatever) that the same strategies would not help in day-to-day schedules. Ask someone with DSPS, for example.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#354

Post by devmunchies »

Aramgutang wrote: post #344
groby_b wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

No, whenever I'm running 30 minutes late, whatever I did in those 30 minutes was nowhere near as important as the other person's time. It was probably something that didn't deserve my time at all that day, or sometimes even any other day. Those of us who are deficient in executive function aren't "choosing to not give a damn". It's not a "choice". If you're a person who always has complete control over their actions,…

You make yourself sound so powerless and victimized. Surely a self-fulfilling prophecy. You do have a choice—many of them. But it sounds like you’ve made them all in advance.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#355

Post by JimboOmega »

acjohnson55 wrote: post #291
ryanwaggoner wrote: post #220

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There may be some people who genuinely have trouble keeping track of time or planning ahead, but 99% of people who are habitually late (myself included at times) are just rude and inconsiderate. Come on, in your own example you provide a white lie to the person and tell them it'll be 30 mins, when you know that it could likely be longer. Why not just say you're running an hour late instead? I suffer from this myself,…

I don't think "rude and inconsiderate" are the problem for most people. My wife, for example, is often late to social things. But she's also one of the most thoughtful people I know. In a lot of cases, her thoughtfulness is what makes her late, because we can't show up without a gift or something like that. That's just her situation, but I think there's generally something larger at play. Something more like people f…

It's partially an executive function thing. The "back of my mind" just doesn't come to the "front of my mind" nearly as often as you'd think.

Other random crap often does.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#356

Post by ZenoArrow »

odammit wrote: post #258
JimboOmega wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

“Punctuality obsessed” or person that takes the effort to make time to hang out with a friend, offered them the respect of showing up on time just to have their time wasted by you not showing up on time. If you do it all the time, you’re inconsiderate.

Speaking personally, I'm frequently running late for events, but it has nothing to do with being inconsiderate, as I tend to be reasonably considerate in other ways. It's also a family trait, which is something we joke about, and my family includes some of the most considerate people I've ever met.

I get that waiting around doing nothing is annoying, but it doesn't have to be that way. For example, if I'm meeting up with some friends to go out, I'd much rather meet them in a pub rather than meet them at a bus or train station. That way their evening can start without me.

I'd also happily live somewhere with other people that don't put a high value on punctuality. As an example, I've heard in Costa Rica they have cultural trait of running on "tico time". I've only ever met a couple of people from Costa Rica before, so I can't say how common this is, but what I can say is that I'd not be offended by it, and I'd hope it was something we would all be a bit more laid back about than where I currently live.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#357

Post by BrandoElFollito »

JimboOmega wrote: post #332
groby_b wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

This reminds me of all these obese people who a are obese because of "health issues", to cover their horrific lifestyle. 98% of the cases, probably (I am being generous).

Same with the timekeeping : some feel that they are so unique and mentally impaired that keeping time is beyond them. But they just do not give a shit about others.

I was 30 kg overweight and had all kind of excuses (including a medical condition). I then moved out of this comfort zone and lost the extra weight. Some peopke will not be able to do that, this is their choice. I will not pity them and certainly not allow for any specific arrangements if I see this is their fault. And yes, when you see someone drinking coke after coke and inguritating mountains of food you are not at risk of hitting the unfortunate 2%.

So get a watch, leave an hour early. If an hour is not enough, two hours. Yes, this is impacting but then you choose which time is more important for you. I apologize if you are in the 2% of people who cannot afford a watch or read the time with understanding.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#358

Post by Annatar »

emodendroket wrote: post #117

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. > “You meet someone really nice, but if they don’t r…

No, it’s being realistic: if somebody doesn’t take you seriously enough to call you back or they disrespect you and devalue your time by being late several times, it’s time to ditch them: life is too short and precious for wasting it on masturbators and jokers.

A real friend won’t leave one hanging.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#359

Post by Kluny »

eaandkw2 wrote: post #148
Kluny wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

I kind of identify with your father. I am in my 40's and about to retire from the military. I do not have any "friends" that are not part of work even though I work with them every day. I don't know if I was ever liberal when I was younger but I have gone more right-wing so to speak. Although I have cut almost all news and TV. I mostly read the headlines and that is about it because just about everything is B.S. and…

I hope you think about it. You don't have to change your whole life. Just making a small change to be a little more social will probably help. Like, super, super small.

> I mostly read the headlines and that is about it because just about everything is B.S. and nothing is going to change anyway.

Feeling like that is a strong sign that your emotional resources are close to being overwhelmed. If you're a vet, hopefully you have access to counselling services. I hope you try going at least once or twice. Most people can use a few sessions of counselling, even if they're totally healthy.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#360

Post by Aramgutang »

devmunchies wrote: post #354
Aramgutang wrote: post #344

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, whenever I'm running 30 minutes late, whatever I did in those 30 minutes was nowhere near as important as the other person's time. It was probably something that didn't deserve my time at all that day, or sometimes even any other day. Those of us who are deficient in executive function aren't "choosing to not give a damn". It's not a "choice". If you're a person who always has complete control over their actions,…

You make yourself sound so powerless and victimized. Surely a self-fulfilling prophecy. You do have a choice—many of them. But it sounds like you’ve made them all in advance.

Surely. Surely not something I've battled with great effort for a very long time. Surely not something I've sought and received treatment for. Surely it's just a choice I made.

Maybe people walking around with a cast and crutches are just making themselves look "powerless and victimised". Surely.

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