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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#71

Post by tluyben2 »

usful wrote: post #8

Anecdotal but, I'm 36 and I made the most friends I have ever made in my life in the last two years. From doing the conference/retreat circuit to, surprisingly, the festival circuit (Burning Man, Gratitude Migration, etc.) I've made a lot of close, real, amazing friends

I an 43 and met my current best friend circle after 30 and 2 of them after 40. My highschool friends just did not click anymore and I do like long conversations about tech, so I find people that like that as well and make quite deep friendships that last a long time.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#72

Post by davesque »

American here:

I've had the problem at a few different times in my life that, whenever I actually suggested to guy friends that we hang out, they interpreted it as a pass and thought I was gay. I'm not making this up at all. I think part of the problem is not just the way that priorities change as we get older but the fact that the US seems to have an extremely closed-off and anxiety-ridden culture to begin with. Maybe, in a sense, people here have too much personal space and just aren't good at being around each other?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#73

Post by JohnStudio »

One of the big assumptions is that you need to make friends. Part of the disconnect of modern social media, is that it's social. It's far from that. The older we get, the more we prefer to concentrate on greater things than ourselves. Broad strokes like having kids, being married, and contributions to career possibly and cultural en-devours. People wonder why as we get older, we become more conservative ... that's just extended to making friends, and expanding our social network. Most people that do attempt to do so, are often motivated by anything but the aspects of "social". Case in point - business networks and the activities that expand wealth of things other than friends. I'm not trying to be negative, just fruitful in contribution. I am a bit of a techno-extrovert but most of my friends (all 4 of them, that I count on one hand) are hermits themselves. I value the time I spend with them more when we are apart more. Oh wait .... absence makes the heart grow fonder applies here. :) I made a funny.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#74

Post by thomasfromcdnjs »

I'd probably just add to all the good answers here that there also might be a lacking of knowledge around friendship. What good friendship is and takes.

I'm just speculating that abundance, city life plus the internet has taken a toll on social skills in recent times.

And another point, as someone has said somewhere else in here, "friendship" could have just been perpetuated by sitcoms. Probably what is more important is just a community where you see the same faces more often and friendship would generally just be a natural byproduct of that given enough time.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#75

Post by chapill »

poulsbohemian wrote: post #46

In the past month three men, (one 45ish, another 55ish, another 74) two of whom I was barely acquainted with, have poured their souls out to me over their relationship and business troubles. I'd argue that it isn't hard to make friends, it's just hard to meet people in the first place. Men in particular get into a habit of focusing on business and family. More than once I've heard older men voice a complaint if their…

They don't sound like very American men. Like the song goes, "I'm afraid of Americans... They don't need anyone, they don't even just pretend." I realized I have no friends at age 19. I've been fine with that for decades. I won't make any such generalizations about women. I know where I'm at. But I will say the younger guys seem weaker these days. They don't have the same general tough, friendless demeanor the Gen Xers had.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#76

Post by ryandrake »

psyc wrote: post #41
hkmurakami wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As a ~30 year old, I truly enjoy the company of my 45--75 year old friends.

I’m the same. I find older middle aged people easier to talk to, more interesting, and smaller-egoed as a group.

My conversations with folks of that “era” always seem to be more diverse, interesting and surprising. You never know what direction the conversation will go when you meet someone new. I have a few hobbies where the practitioners tend toward older and through these activities met exceptional people. I love hearing about the the war, Woodstock, actual political change, the drug fueled 70s, etc. Interesting careers that you never knew even existed. I met a ferry pilot who flew private airplanes people just bought internationally to their new owners! I could listen to that guy’s stories for hours.

Contrast that with my interactions with people my own age and younger: Topics inevitably fall to vapid TV shows and sports, celebrity gossip, This Gadget I Bought, where I partied last week, my office co-workers suck, etc. Wake me up when it’s over!

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#77

Post by nashashmi »

hx2a wrote: post #26

I'm 42, and I wish someone told me in my 20's it would be harder to make new friends as I got older. I would have done things differently. I would have put more effort into making friends then. I am able to make new friends, but they end up being more like acquaintances most of the time. Currently I am in grad school, and that's working out well for me. There's something about the shared camaraderie and shared suffer…

Bonding over struggles is huge.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#78

Post by VLM »

If everyone started out identical, however unlikely that is, and hobby interests compounded like interest, increasing the balance of ... warhammer 40K, for the sake of example, by 1% every year, then at age 18 you'd have identical interests and experiences and therefore make shallow friends with all kinds of randos who will diverge dramatically in the future, and by age 50, 1% compound hobby interest per year means you'll all be very diverse and therefore unlike to friend up except with people like you.

There's actually a pretty good financial analogy with... finances. At uni "all of us" lived the same lives in the dorms. We had all the same financial life, which was "student poor". Rapidly the ultra rich kids moved to the ultra high rent apartments, we had lives that diverged, etc. Decades later rather than all of us having the same financial condition and experiences, there are likely very few people exactly like me financially.

Finally there's a lot of hand wringing that I'm not hanging out with people who have nothing in common with me other than drinking the same beer or cheering for the same sportsball team. A lot of people grow up and see that as the waste of time that it is. At 18 you can be fooled into thinking a shared enjoyment of "Miller Lite Ice" is a deep personal connection, but many people can't be fooled that way at age 50. Not really a problem.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#79

Post by self_assembly »

Kluny wrote: post #39
lr4444lr wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What precisely bothers you? That he changed his politics or that he's lost his friends? I'm not sure these are that related. I moved when I married and though I see fewer friends now and have fewer locally, those I would have here are far closer to the political spectrum you don't seem to like, as it is the case for many city dwellers who move out to the burbs for more space and cheaper housing.

Neither of those. It's the emotional burden that he imposes on my mom, making her manage his emotions because he has no other outlet.

In your father's case it might be because he has no other emotional outlet. But as a male with a decent social life I still don't feel comfortable making my friends an emotional outlet. I'd rather not talk to them about things that are frustrating me or making me feel stressed. So my significant other still gets the brunt of that.

In fact most of my male friends also don't get too deep in discussing their feelings. So it might not just be a lack of friendship, but a deeper problem which is men having a hard time discussing their emotions with others.

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