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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#501

Post by ryeguy_24 »

cheschire wrote: post #496
scardine wrote: post #493

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At 47 it is a bit of the explore/exploit paradox for me - an optimal stopping problem. As an introvert social interaction drains my mental energy so at some point you start investing more energy into enjoying your best friends than into making new friends.

As an extrovert, social interaction still drains my mental energy. If anything I find myself even more obligated than you do to hold up my end of the conversation because that's the social expectation. This can be horribly exhausting when I'm simply not in the mood.

The extroverts I’ve known all thrive and get energy in social situations. I use this now as my deciding factor for introversion and extroversion. Are you sure you aren’t an introvert with extrovert skills. That’s what I am. I can talk to anyone easily but it drains me.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#502

Post by scardine »

cheschire wrote: post #496
scardine wrote: post #493

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At 47 it is a bit of the explore/exploit paradox for me - an optimal stopping problem. As an introvert social interaction drains my mental energy so at some point you start investing more energy into enjoying your best friends than into making new friends.

As an extrovert, social interaction still drains my mental energy. If anything I find myself even more obligated than you do to hold up my end of the conversation because that's the social expectation. This can be horribly exhausting when I'm simply not in the mood.

People take me by an extrovert all the time. I learned to look less nerdy by mimicking my extrovert twin brother. I was the weirdest guy of the school and he was the most popular.

Have you ever wondered if deep inside you are an introvert that just got very good at pretending to be an extrovert at early age due to social pressure? Western society rewards extroverts.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#503

Post by rimliu »

Annatar wrote: post #358
emodendroket wrote: post #117

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. > “You meet someone really nice, but if they don’t r…

No, it’s being realistic: if somebody doesn’t take you seriously enough to call you back or they disrespect you and devalue your time by being late several times, it’s time to ditch them: life is too short and precious for wasting it on masturbators and jokers. A real friend won’t leave one hanging.

I am not so sure keeping score for the people you know is a big sign of respect for them either.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#504

Post by watwut »

amyjess wrote: post #340
Myrmornis wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You'll find, when you get to 40, that you were confusing 30 with 40 in this post.

I'm 33, and my experience has basically been the same as the GP. Past a certain point, you never see your friends again unless they're accompanied by their SO, and once they have kids, their lives revolve around their kids and nothing else. And I'll always remember the culture shock when I a new job where my coworkers were mostly in their 30s while my coworkers at my last job were all in their 20s. Office conversatio…

That does not sound like they don't have friends, that sounds like they talk about what is current or important for them with their friends in the office.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#505

Post by emodendroket »

BrandoElFollito wrote: post #483
tobr wrote: post #470

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m not saying that obesity does not come from eating too much and/or eating the wrong type of food. I’m talking about the mechanisms that drive this behavior, and what it takes to beat them. Willpower is not enough to beat actual, chronic/morbid obesity. The only known solution is surgery. Your comments are bordering on fat-shaming, which I find completely unacceptable.

My comments are not bordering on fat-shaming, they are fat-shaming. Not the "ha ha ha, look at this guy, gross" fat-shaming, but the "stop lying to yourself and publicly expressing the fact that I should treat you in a special way" fat-shaming. I understand that not everyone has will power. I understand that this means that these people will be overweight. What I do not understand is that we need to be extra careful…

I "love" this stuff about how fat people need ridicule to snap out of it and stop being fat. Trust me, anybody who is fat is acutely aware of it without your advice.

As for your other ideas, by the time you're trying to sort out worthies you don't actually have a social state in any meaningful sense. You can find some fault with most people. "Why did you work in a mine when you knew it could cause black lung? Why did you spend so much time at the computer if you didn't want RSI? You wouldn't have rabies if you'd avoided rabid animals." You get the idea.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#506

Post by watwut »

scardine wrote: post #495
shubb wrote: post #488

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If this were the case, it would be harder to find a romantic relationship as we age. Adjusting for life circumtance and type of relationship sought, I don't see evidence of this. What do you think?

According to my older female friends finding romantic relationships is getting harder for them. My older male friends are less and less interested in romance as they report finding sex with no strings attached is getting easier with age.

That sounds like they were never interested in romance or relationship (beyond it being the means to get sex).

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#507

Post by jbverschoor »

scardine wrote: post #502
cheschire wrote: post #496

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As an extrovert, social interaction still drains my mental energy. If anything I find myself even more obligated than you do to hold up my end of the conversation because that's the social expectation. This can be horribly exhausting when I'm simply not in the mood.

People take me by an extrovert all the time. I learned to look less nerdy by mimicking my extrovert twin brother. I was the weirdest guy of the school and he was the most popular. Have you ever wondered if deep inside you are an introvert that just got very good at pretending to be an extrovert at early age due to social pressure? Western society rewards extroverts.

Introvert/extravert is how you recover your energy. You can perfectly be sociable and an introvert.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#508

Post by kokey »

As someone who has been an expat in several locations and also divorced, I have found that it's not really due to age but down to where the people around you find themselves in their life and where you find yourself in life. When young people go to college a significant portion of them are in a situation where they would need to seek and develop new friendships. The same happens if you move to a location which has a large expatriate population. It's when you don't have your old friends around and surrounded by people who are in the same situation. That means the people you work or take classes with are also open to making friends with people they work or take classes with. Everyone also live, work and socialise as close to each other as possible, for this purpose. This is in contrast to, say, if you move to a new country or a city where the majority of the people already have established friendships and families where they live and work. These people don't live close to where they work, they live close to where it's convenient for their established friends and family. They don't feel the need to make friends at work. This makes it hard for you, as an outsider, to make friends where most people you deal with don't have that need. This changes again if you have children who go to school and you find yourself with other parents in the same situation. The same when people move when they retire somewhere.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#509

Post by Kiro »

fastball wrote: post #484
warabe wrote: post #192

As a gay man who is almost 30, I think making friends is relatively easy for gay people thanks to dating apps. Perhaps, you cannot same gender friends in Tinder (if I'm wrong, please correct me), but a lot of gay people are using dating apps not only to find relationships but also to find friends. I also think social isolation around gay people makes friendship among gay people special. I don't know much about Wester…

As a straight man, I did that with Tinder and made a number of friends, but they were always women. I never had any luck with guys I met on Tinder, not really sure why.

May I ask how you meet guys on Tinder if you're straight? Is there a friends feature?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#510

Post by emodendroket »

BrandoElFollito wrote: post #357
JimboOmega wrote: post #332

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

This reminds me of all these obese people who a are obese because of "health issues", to cover their horrific lifestyle. 98% of the cases, probably (I am being generous). Same with the timekeeping : some feel that they are so unique and mentally impaired that keeping time is beyond them. But they just do not give a shit about others. I was 30 kg overweight and had all kind of excuses (including a medical condition).…

I can't see why you've brought this analogy into the discussion, because the two things are not very similar. Refraining from being late to one appointment does not activate any bodily instinct that you need to be late to the next one.
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