Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

Axiom: People want to have fun, relax, feel safe and be valued.

1. Availability Many people have what they want in terms of love and friendships. Do not focus on befriending them, it will likely peter out, with the best will in the world. Do not aim to befriend some big extrovert: if they want your friendship they will walk up to you and befriend you. You need to find situations where people are likely to be looking to form friendships. That means putting yourself out there and does take courage: meetups, clubs (chess? books? guns!), volunteering, activism, hiking, community activities etc...

2. Humility Open yourself up to friendship with any kind of person. Remove barriers: age, sex, race, religion, culture, politics, height, weight...whatever it is, leave it behind. Stop being judgemental: you find someone boring? Give them a chance. How exciting are you at first glance? It may be nerves. Most people have significant depths. Every human being is an amazing animal, full of potential. Accept that fact and you will be much more open to every opportunity. Re-evaluate your acquaintances based on that too.

3. Engagement Imagine you're someone else meeting yourself. How can you give them one of those axiomatic things they're seeking? The easiest thing to start with is make people feel valued. This is as simple as listening to what they say and paying attention to what they do. This means turning your attention away from what is happening in your own head. After a time, observe and mention positive things about the other person. Nobody will reject a compliment [1]. Patience is essential. Unless you're going to meet someone several times, then forget it. You are very unlikely to befriend someone you will only see once. That is why context matters. Accept that many encounters won't turn into friendship: interact with multiple people over time. Never reject a positive move towards you: an invitation, being included in a group, someone sitting next to you. Accept all of these positively. Make people feel safe: don't be pushy, clingy or discuss controversial or intimate topics (that's for when you're friends). People want to relax: you're an intense person (it appears to me)...but people don't know what's in your mind. Don't start sharing troubles or telling people what you think of yourself. Keep it vanilla and/or abstract - i.e. talk about topics or other people. They can learn about your intense nature later like when they care.

4. Grace I'm borrowing a religious term to describe moments in life when you have an opportunity to help people or change the understanding between yourself and another person. These are the moments that turn acquaintances into friends. These are not usually heroic in scale! Watch out for small opportunities to do something positive unasked for. Notice if an acquaintance suddenly reveals something about themselves - your reaction may change the nature of that relationship into a friendship.

You may have heard this kind of thing before. You may think it all sounds superficial and like hard bloody work. Humble yourself to it, if you really want friendship.

[1] Don't compliment people on their body, clothes or appearance until you know them well.

As an introvert social interaction drains my mental energy so at some point you start investing more energy into enjoying your best friends than into making new friends.

My older male friends are less and less interested in romance as they report finding sex with no strings attached is getting easier with age.

NHS I think are keen to encourage use of pharmacists for minor ailments.