441–450 of 530 posts
Currently struggling as a father of three (12, 10,7) with how to up my game as a developer. At the evening, when I get home, I'm just dead tired. I get no further than eat diner, watch a documentary, read a little and sleep. Repeat. Weekends are filled with chores and quality time with kids. All this leaves me without the energy or drive to learn something new, while time flies by. So I'm gonna read all the comments…
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"dump" is such a wrong word. But okay, I'll bite. When my first child was born, I had the "pleasure" of staying home with her most of the day, while I got to learn programming. Fast forward a few years and boom! Mom and I have totally immersive careers requiring 8+ hours a day from us. (Every weekday, even! Sometimes more!). In fact, mom is just as much of the breadwinner as I am (more even), so who's gonna watch the…
Well, if you cared enough to look for an experience you thought would be good for your kids then you don't fit in what I was talking about. I probably don't agree with you on everything, but you seen to care about what your children are doing when they're not with you, what doesn't happen with most parents I know.
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Just FYI, you might have coworkers that aren't all that interested in conversing with your children during conference calls. I know it makes me uncomfortable to have a forced interaction with a coworkers child. I doubt anyone would be deeply offended by it, but do keep in mind that not everyone is as comfortable with your kid as you are. If you have a team that embraces it, that's great - just don't assume everyone a…
There's a big difference between waving at a coworker's kid for a second during a video conference (why would this make you uncomfortable?) and someone actually bringing a child to the workplace (which OP didn't do, and would actually be disruptive).
No, it's not that big of a deal, it's just something I'm not interested in interacting with, and if you're the guy who always has to introduce his kids at the beginning of conference calls, I'm probably going to generally avoid you unless I absolutely need you for something.
I'm sure if I had a kid I'd feel entirely different, but I don't. I also try not to involve my lifestyle choices on conference calls, so I really feel this doesn't go both ways.
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True to a point, but I almost sacrificed my mental health, and I did sacrifice my marriage by not sleeping when the kids are sleeping. As a single parent, now, I have to go to bed right after the kids do. The unexpected benefit is that I'm much healthier and happier. Also I have several full evenings a week with no kids to use for e.g. learning.
how did it sacrifice your marriage?
This, coupled with reduced income due to bootstrapping a business created too much relationship damage to recover from.
9am-10am: wake up 10am - 6pm: work (yup, 40 hours) 6pm - 8pm: shop, cook, feed, put kids to sleep 8pm - 9pm: discipline my kids for not sleeping 9pm - 1am: my time
weekends: 8am - 9am: wife lets me sleep 9am - 8pm: I entertain kids
So I got a few hours a day there. Multitasking is almost impossible because if you don't sink their energy then they create more work for you.
What consumes my free time: - Running errands - Exercise (~1hr/day) - Preparing meals (very basic) - Cleaning
I also have more doctor appointments than most and such, hopefully temporary. My wife has some issues that makes it hard for her to parent so I work more than others.
Here's how I observe others doing it: - Cut back on sleep - Asian mom lives with them - Hire babysitters - Really supportive spouse. ie they don't accomplish - Delegate kids to other activities or let them entertain themselves at home - Don't exercise. Eat out. Etc. - Have kids without issues
(I've a 6 year-old son, and I've been in software development for more than 20 years). As a general principle, it's all about "priorities", and "how bad you want it?". Most of us have time for things other than work and family (unless, of course, you're a single parent trying to juggle 2 jobs, etc.) Instead of listening to music during commute, one can listen to professional podcasts or talks (youtube to mp3 is great…
Regarding spending less time on HN: I did a 6 month blackout of HN because I perceived that it was taking too much time that I could spend on side projects. After the 6 months I came to the conclusion that I wasted that time on other things. Turns out that I didn't actually want to be productive, and I just want to waste time because my job and family life requires me to be responsible and productive all day long, an…
I don't read everything on HN, but I can usually find here interesting articles, and most of the time the discussion threads are even more interesting than the articles.
Another way for you to keep learning might be to found your own company - just be careful to focus and not to neglect your family. With my first company, I was lacking focus and put too much unnecessary work into the company, to the cost of my family. Also, my co-founders didn't have kids.
The second time I founded a company with another dad, who understands flexible schedules. We're now a few moms and dads in the team. Sometimes I would go home early, be with my daughters, and catch up with work later. I feel I'm a lot more focussed than before having kids, and I definitely get a lot more done, in less time! It doesn't even compare. I don't have a choice anyways. My learning mostly happens on the job. When we get a new project, we sometimes decide to try a new technology - if it seems to add a benefit or save us time in the long term.
Ah yeah and of course, communicating with your partner is key if you want to shave off some time here and there!
Short answer is: you don't. You'll mostly be standing still until the kids are a bit older. If your answer is "But [insert famous tech guru] does it", you'll find that [famous tech guru] has a spouse who takes care of all or most of the kid stuff.
All the responses here indicate the same "la dee da having kids is so wonderful that you don't even miss the other stuff." Fuck that. I have kids and I totally miss being able to stay up all night working on stuff and exploring new technologies, feeling like the world is going on without me. Don't get me wrong, I'm a passable dad, spend as much time with kids as possible, take them out to libraries and parks and try…