Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

What Great Listeners Actually Do

hbr.org

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

161–170 of 205 posts

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#161

Post by collyw »

munificent wrote: post #155
thaumasiotes wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I think it's better to paraphrase back to the person talking; the closer the meaning of your paraphrase, the better it shows you've understood their point. I have found in the past that paraphrased repetition can be all the other person is looking for out of the conversation. A stylized sketch: A: Hey, I have this problem XXXX, I'm not sure what I should do about it. B: Ok, the problem is YYYY [paraphrased]? A: Tha…

When my second daughter was born, she had a huge head. We're talking 99th percentile. This is cause for concern, so we took her to a doctor. The conversation went like: Me: What's up with my daughter's really big head? Doctor: It's a condition called "macrocephaly". Somehow, that was reassuring to me, despite realizing that all he did was literally just transliterate my words to Latin—"macro" -> big, "ceph-" -> head—…

I would imagine the tone of voice and confidence would have made a difference. If he said it an a hesitant way I would imagine that it might have got you worried. (I hope it wasn't cause for concern).

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#162

Post by cammil »

throwanem wrote: post #108
cammil wrote: post #93

My take on listening: https://letmeexplainyou.wordpress.com/2016/08/17/how-to-list... TL;DR / Summary: Listening is innate Listening is not an active skill. Practicing it as such diminishes your ability to truly listen. Listening is improved through improving your own peace of mind One’s peace of mind is improved by doing good things. E.g. completing chores, being nice to people, doing things that reduce your regrets…

I mean, I hear where you're coming from and I'm not going to say you're wrong, but this is like saying that endurance training is unnecessary because humans are innately able to run marathons.

I think metaphors and analogies are difficult to argue with. Of course I am saying something which is hopefully falsifiable otherwise I am not really saying anything at all.

The best way to test this is some kind of controlled experiment. But aint nobody got time for that.

I would say however, there is absolutely no need to take my word for it. I would actually recommend you don't. You can test this out for yourself. I would certainly recommend that. After all, it's more about what works for you.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#164

Post by iqisracist »

inopinatus wrote: post #80
Xcelerate wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> simple skills [...] are still good to teach because they are better than what most people do much of the time. Heck, merely not pulling your phone out is better than what most people do most of the time.

Corollary: conspicuously putting your away is a clear physical cue that you are now paying attention.

not really...

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#165

Post by gwbas1c »

Bahamut wrote: post #15
woodandsteel wrote: post #9

As someone who has taught and researched listening skills, I found this article very insightful. However, let me add that the simple skills they described at the beginning (not interrupting, saying "um-hum," and being able to repeat back), are still good to teach because they are better than what most people do much of the time. Here's another HN link on listening: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12228062

I despise the tactic of repeating back what other people said - it shows me that the other person isn't really dwelling on what I said, or more often in my experience, are using that to distort what I am saying in order to fit a particular agenda. I rather someone not fake listening in that case and wasting everyone's time.

It's valuable when listening to people with thick accents, fast talkers, or on the phone.

With people who have thick accents, the reason is probably obvious; but with fast talkers sometimes it's needed to process what the talker said.

For example, yesterday I had to repeat back on the phone because the other guy had a very thick accent and was on a speaker phone.

Usually, the people who repeat back to me are people who aren't native English speakers; or people who aren't technical and need to make sure that they understand a point. I appreciate it.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#166

Post by AdieuToLogic »

throwanem wrote: post #115
AdieuToLogic wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If someone could explain to me how to appear sincerely sympathetic in a way that makes sense to me, I'd love it. I'd go with the direct approach and not bother with appearances. It's consistent, easy to remember, and emotionally honest. For example: I'm an analytical person and am genuinely interested in what you have to say. If you'd like to hear possible solutions I can think of, then they would be with the intent…

"Emotionally honest" is a copout. What you mean is that it's easy for you and keeps you squarely centered in your comfort zone, while the person you supposedly think you're going to help has to do all the scary work of leaving her own.

I don't see how being emotionally honest qualifies as a cop-out. The GP's statement was about appearing to be sincerely sympathetic. What I recommended was to be true to themself and offered an example of how that could be stated in a constructive manner.

Perhaps the example I provided was not appealing to you, which is entirely understandable.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#167

Post by hgh »

taneq wrote: post #57
Bahamut wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I despise the tactic of repeating back what other people said - it shows me that the other person isn't really dwelling on what I said, or more often in my experience, are using that to distort what I am saying in order to fit a particular agenda. I rather someone not fake listening in that case and wasting everyone's time.

I'm with you that repeating back word-for-word (or close to it) is not helpful. I think it's better to paraphrase back to the person talking; the closer the meaning of your paraphrase, the better it shows you've understood their point. Likewise with asking questions, if you can ask a relevant question that they haven't covered yet, it proves you're actually analyzing what they say. All of these things come under the…

To follow on from your excellent second point - "actually be involved in the conversation"

People understandably don't appreciate if you're parroting back to them what they said (even paraphrased) so that you can appear to be an "active listener".

The reason to repeat what someone said exactly (useful in case you legitimately just missed an important phrase) or paraphrase is because you didn't fully understand what they said and you genuinely want to understand the point. Asking follow-up questions to drive discovery and enjoyment is next.

Being a good listener is about being humble, respectful and present. Turns out that's easier said than done.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#168

Post by karmajunkie »

munificent wrote: post #155
thaumasiotes wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I think it's better to paraphrase back to the person talking; the closer the meaning of your paraphrase, the better it shows you've understood their point. I have found in the past that paraphrased repetition can be all the other person is looking for out of the conversation. A stylized sketch: A: Hey, I have this problem XXXX, I'm not sure what I should do about it. B: Ok, the problem is YYYY [paraphrased]? A: Tha…

When my second daughter was born, she had a huge head. We're talking 99th percentile. This is cause for concern, so we took her to a doctor. The conversation went like: Me: What's up with my daughter's really big head? Doctor: It's a condition called "macrocephaly". Somehow, that was reassuring to me, despite realizing that all he did was literally just transliterate my words to Latin—"macro" -> big, "ceph-" -> head—…

Funny, I had a very similar experience with my son's head, but it was that his fontanella closed earlier than expected. My conversation went more like this:

Doc: "well, when we see this thing, we're concerned it might be ... but he doesn't have that."

Me: "Phew... so..."

Doc: "So then we're worried about ... but he doesn't have that."

Me: "Phew. hrmmm, so..."

Doc "So then we're worried about ..."

At which point I interrupted:

Me: "Doc, I realize there's a lot of big scary things. Does he have any of them?"

Doc: "No, I think he's fine, he just has a big head."

I think your version of that conversation was probably a lot more reassuring than mine.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#169

Post by throwanem »

namaemuta wrote: post #149
throwanem wrote: post #134

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> almost a year volunteering in 7cups.com as a listener How have you found it? I've thought about doing that myself from time to time, and I would value anything you'd like to share about your experience there.

In general is a very rewarding experience and in 7cups.com it's also very comfortable to do it (I don't have experience in other similar services so I can't talk about them). You don't have any pressure on when or how many times you should do it and how much time you should spend. You volunteer whenever you feel up to (and this is how it should be because your mood is very important when you are dealing with these th…

This is exactly the sort of answer I was hoping for; on the strength of it, I think I may very well decide to give it a try. Thank you very much! I really appreciate you taking the time.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#170

Post by overcast »

chairleader wrote: post #152
overcast wrote: post #150

Are there any excellent books on this topic?

I'll throw out Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication." Call it one framework for listening centered around resolving conflict between individuals and groups. It provides examples of the kind of active listening and questioning mentioned in the article. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication#Four_... https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Mar...

That's a good starting point, thank you!
Post reply on HN