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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#671

Post by aliswe »

rich_sasha wrote: post #449
ostenning wrote: post #438

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At what cost? At least if you ring the alarm bell early you could improve your situation if you attempt to stick it out (couples therapy etc), but resigning to being “a washing machine” sounds like a terrible plan for your life. The mind finds excuses to propagate your situation because it is afraid of change, and I can see that very clear in your words about “logistics”. Logistics is not a good reason at all to live…

Yeah yeah, we've done couples therapy. Talked. Yada yada. The thing is, i just love and prioritise my kids. It's also not like I'm not living a good life, just a good relationship isn't part of it.

To awsrocks, im in the same situation. still sweating it out tbh.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#672

Post by mcv »

actfrench wrote: post #561
gamechangr wrote: post #392

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I don’t think there’s any shame in being clear I want a family soon This ruins a lot of my friends dating scenarios. I think you maybe should rethink that. In my humble opinion, the laws of supply and demand are stacked against you. Most single men in there 40's expect that there partners are wanting to have kids and feel pressured by hearing it on a date. You also could miss high quality options who say they're "…

In general, I swipe left on guys who explicitly say they don't want kids or have and don't want more. That's pretty much the extent of it. I've learned not to think I can change somebody if they are that specific that they don't want children.

I totally agree. I once broke off a relationship because she was very clear about not wanting kids. I did want kids. I was madly in love otherwise, but I just couldn't see this working.

Also she smoked. It was clearly a relationship where my emotions conflicted with any sense of reason.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#673

Post by squintychino »

actfrench wrote: post #604
aristofun wrote: post #408

> I’ve deeply invested myself in therapy, support groups, meditation, dating coaching, yoga and hypnotism. I’ve known plenty of my female friends who were so aggressively “fixing” and improving themselves, that they even didn’t notice how big their ego had become. Their whole life was revolving around Me Me Me, I want to be perfect, I want a perfect marriage, I want a perfect husband, I am perfect, I I I… It’s hard t…

Wow. Some of these comments are SO harsh. Ow.

No post body was provided.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#675

Post by jdthedisciple »

uxcolumbo wrote: post #669
jdthedisciple wrote: post #665

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know that it's become the norm for 21st century pseudo-intellectuals to demand "scientific research" for every little thing in life. Fundamentally, you simply won't acknowledge certain self-evident realities for what they are, but I do - and that's where we differ. This is not to say those studies don't exist - I'm often surprised at studies that make me go "duh" because "that's what I've intuitively known all my l…

Reverting to calling other people pseudo-intellectuals is really not helping this discussion. How many men exist today? Saying 'Seeking those traits in women is hard-coded into men.' is not a 'little thing in life'. You're making a sweeping statement about billions of men. What you're stating is your opinion based on what you experienced, which is a small sample size. Even if you met 10k men that showed those traits,…

I regret finding myself in another one of those pointless internet debates but this is a subject I could write essays about so here we go I guess ...

Self-evident truths don't need to be based on anything because drum roll they are self-evident. You may reject that whole concept - that's fine, but don't ask me about your type of empirical evidence because it is not needed in this paradigm. I know self-evident truths aren't fancied anymore these days because they often lead to some uncomfortable conclusions that have politically been deemed unacceptable. "Absurd!", you say. Well consider the latest example, the Olympics: I would call it self-evident that males are physically stronger than females and thus should not compete against each other in most sports. I don't need scienctific research for that. Yet here we are letting trans-women (physical males) compete against women in the Olympics. Now isn't that absurd! All the "scientific studies" didn't help prevent such idiocy.

Now this example is easy to follow because everything physical we can see with our own eyes. With psychology it's a little more subtle but analogous self-evident facts hold!

Just like the male peacock or lizard or bell bird or whatever, which doesn't conduct or refer to empirical research when it comes to finding a mate, so do I as a male specimen of my species just inherently know what is generally (EMPHASIS!) attractive in and to females even beyond personal preferences and beyond myself as an individual - and do not require any scientific exercise for that SHOCK - JAWS DROPPING - WHERE IS THE EMPIRICAL EVIDENCE!? Again, the predictive performance of that knowledge as well as general observations and experience only validate this fact.

P.S: Sorry for the "pseudo-intellectual" but it's not meant personally, I'm referring to the scientiVIST approach of (IMO) over-eagerly applying the scientific method to every aspect of life especially in the context of personal advice (involving psychology (a soft science)) which is what this thread is all about.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#676

Post by tails4e »

actfrench wrote: post #627
tails4e wrote: post #140

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I get the point, but maybe that looking desperate puts people off, so being more relaxed could help. I recall being dismay that when single no one showed interest, while in a relationship women seems to ask me out (still rarely, but not 0)... Long story short I think the message is don't be too intense, but be honest you're looking for a relationship and not a hookup.

I think being honest with yourself - and others by extension is the key. Someone else won't MAKE you happy. And no one really knows they want to marry and have kids with someone they just met on a first date. It's so hypothetical. So be honest with yourself and that will flow into your relations with others.

When I met my wife, the very first night, we had a really open and honest conversation about where we were/what we wanted, including talking about marriage (not to each other specifically, just we were looking to settle down). It was nice to not dance around those topics as if they were taboo, or wonder if we were wasting time by not having similar objectives.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#677

Post by uxcolumbo »

jdthedisciple wrote: post #675
uxcolumbo wrote: post #669

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Reverting to calling other people pseudo-intellectuals is really not helping this discussion. How many men exist today? Saying 'Seeking those traits in women is hard-coded into men.' is not a 'little thing in life'. You're making a sweeping statement about billions of men. What you're stating is your opinion based on what you experienced, which is a small sample size. Even if you met 10k men that showed those traits,…

I regret finding myself in another one of those pointless internet debates but this is a subject I could write essays about so here we go I guess ... Self-evident truths don't need to be based on anything because drum roll they are self-evident. You may reject that whole concept - that's fine, but don't ask me about your type of empirical evidence because it is not needed in this paradigm. I know self-evident truths…

All I'm trying to understand is how it is self evident - because you didn't provide any details.

To summarize:

1) The original statement made by a poster was: "We're looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook"

2) I asked who is 'We' in this context and that that statement is an out-dated view - because I'm not seeking those traits in women and based on comments in this thread - there are quite a few who don't either.

3) Then you commented with: "Seeking those traits in women is hard-coded into men"

And now my question is:

How is it hard coded? Is it hard coded in our DNA? Or is it because how some of us have been brought up to view women? If so - then it's not hard coded (= something innate in our biology that can't be changed in the short term).

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#678

Post by jdthedisciple »

uxcolumbo wrote: post #677
jdthedisciple wrote: post #675

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I regret finding myself in another one of those pointless internet debates but this is a subject I could write essays about so here we go I guess ... Self-evident truths don't need to be based on anything because drum roll they are self-evident. You may reject that whole concept - that's fine, but don't ask me about your type of empirical evidence because it is not needed in this paradigm. I know self-evident truths…

All I'm trying to understand is how it is self evident - because you didn't provide any details. To summarize: 1) The original statement made by a poster was: "We're looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook" 2) I asked who is 'We' in this context and that that statement is an out-dated view - because I'm not seeking those traits in women and based on comments in this thread - the…

I don't know how. Perhaps in our DNA, but I don't know. I'd wager that liking certain physical traits in the opposite sex is hard-coded into our DNA so I wouldn't be surprised if other things were too.

But do I need to know how? Does the peacock, lizard or bell-bird need to know how?

I acknowledge you not identifying with the sentiment in question but may I ask: Is it in your mind conceivable that you are the one who has been brought up to view women in a way that is in opposition to your hard-coded nature?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#679

Post by peterlondon »

nkurz wrote: post #191
peterlondon wrote: post #119

I am a man (married now) but when i was dating women like you scare me

I vouched for this to bring it back from the dead. This is rather a harsh comment, especially from a new user. I can see why it was flagged, but you probably have some useful information to offer her. Could you try make it into a better comment by explaining what about her scares you, and what she might do to counter this?

She does not need a man or partner, her life is so busy, in my life women who are doing so many things never have time for a relationship, I was not being rude just giving my point of view.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#680

Post by sneusse »

What’s more important, your job or your family?

Family? Quit/Pause your job. At least for half a year. You’re trying to rush a relationship, that’s just not possible. Go traveling, stay at least two weeks in one place. If you like it stay longer. Meet people in parks, bars, at the beach.

This was how I met my wife. We would have almost nothing in common if we wrote a dating profile but when we talk to each other and are close to each other none of this matters. And it’s difficult because we’re from different countries, speaking different languages, have a vastly different culture. We fought A LOT about language, it’s still difficult to have a more in depth conversation but none of that matters.

Kids: any. If we cannot get our own, we’ll adopt. Who cares if the kid is your own?

Apparently you’ve been in a LTR and let it slip because you need your kids to be based on your DNA. That’s your decision, for us this fact is basically irrelevant.

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