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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#131

Post by flitzofolov »

actfrench wrote: post #86
flitzofolov wrote: post #39

These are three options, there are more: Option 1: Expand the pool - learn to be turned on by and interested in a wider variety of people. Option 2: Convert an existing relationship, perhaps a platonic friendship, to a mutually beneficial partnership. Option 3: Genuinely give up, allow yourself to relieve yourself of any expectations, and try to become mindful of the internal pressures you are applying on yourself as…

Option 2 sounds most interesting and fun. Option 3 is what feels most effective but also impossible to force. Option 1 I have really really done. I’ve dated such a huge variety…

In what sense were the people you dated varied? Gender? Age? Class? Race? Nationality? Geography? Lifestyle?

What are your expectations of your potential partner?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#132

Post by metadat »

withinboredom wrote: post #127

In my experience, stop looking and it'll find you. I met my wife on the beach, basically randomly. Neither of us wanted a relationship at the time, we just enjoyed talking to each other so much. Our "first date" was to a hiking meetup, where we ditched everyone and broke into a park after-hours, explored shit, and at some point, kissed, while hiding from the park rangers. But seriously, just stop looking.

This is terrible advice if "doing nothing" results in OP staying at home or otherwise not being in situations likely to intersect with new potential mates.

Different things work for different people. Glad not looking worked out nicely for you!

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#134

Post by prvc »

>Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities

I'd aim to reduce your rate of new dates over time by changing your criteria for whether to go or not. There is likely a mismatch between them and whatever your true preferences are. Obvious to focus on the specificity, but my hunch is that sensitivity is the key. Worth considering also that the pool of potential mates (spanning 3 cities) is vastly greater than almost anyone else at any time in history had access to, which also suggests that selection criteria are the important factor here.

>I’ve read and done the exercises in Calling In the One, Love Addiction, Datonomics, Make Your Move and If the Buddha dated. I’ve listened to every episode of Girls Gotta Eat.

Similarly, I'd also aim for quality over quantity in sources of advice. At a certain point, more advice will just dilute the concentration of good advice.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#136

Post by metadat »

xiphias2 wrote: post #126

You have some incongruency in what you write: you wrote that you are beautiful, but men ghost you after 1 night. As a man I can tell you that all my friends want to be intimate with a beautiful woman at least multiple times even if she has an unbearable personality. I'm 40 and most of my successful friends who want kids date women under or around 30, because that's what our urges say when we want more than just sex /…

What is the point of saying this? My interpretation is this accuses OP of being delusional about their attractiveness or lying to us.

How is your "observation" supposed to help?

Regardless, I posit that marrying someone you're not attracted to is not a good idea if you want a happy and fulfilling life. You're going to be spending a lot, lot, lot of time with them. It's a recipe for resentment, which is fatal to relationships.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#138

Post by anon291 »

Do you have any close male friends? What is their advice? Do they have single male friends to introduce you to?

What has gone wrong in previous dating relationships? Nothing stuck? Ghosted?

Marriage is a game of 'good enough' not soulmates, and I think a lot of chagrin over the whole thing comes from this.

You've come to the right forum for being given advice by a bunch of men. Good luck

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#139

Post by ronald_raygun »

Well, let me start by reflecting a few things back at you that I've noticed you said.

- it sounds like you have no problem doing self work (therapy, meditation, working out, etc)

- it sounds like you have no problem trying new strategies around relationships

- it sounds like you have no problem getting first dates

So, it seems like the main problem is taking a potential partner, forming a serious relationship with them, and getting to the marriage point. The good news is you only need to do this successfully once. So it sounds like the deep question you need to solve is, why aren't any of these attempts working out?

I'd say the best advice I could offer for this is to follow up with people you've gone out with, and ask them why it didnt work out, and genuinely listen to what they say. You could say something like "Hey, I know it didnt work out between us, and that's okay. I'm seriously looking for a partner, and I've been struggling. Could you tell me more about what our interaction/relationship/date experience (pick the best term for the person here) looked like from your perspective? I think feedback you could give me would be help, and I'd be really appreciative"

For more misc advice I'd also say

- It sounds like youre spending a lot of time trying a lot of things and going on a lot of dates. Maybe try scaling things back so youre putting more effort into fewer things that have a higher potential. So it sounds like you have very clear relationship goals (marriage, kids, etc). I'd be very upfront about that (maybe mention it on apps, but at least on the first date 100% for sure). Cause like if they dont have the same goals, or are unsure, probably both people's time is getting wasted

- Check out the youtube channel healthgamergg. Its done by a guy who was a former yogi, and now is a physiatrist. The content is very therapy related, but he talks a lot about people who have a hard time with relationships. I think the quality of the stuff he makes is extremely high, and I've gotten a lot of value from it personally, so maybe you might as well.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#140

Post by tails4e »

withinboredom wrote: post #127

In my experience, stop looking and it'll find you. I met my wife on the beach, basically randomly. Neither of us wanted a relationship at the time, we just enjoyed talking to each other so much. Our "first date" was to a hiking meetup, where we ditched everyone and broke into a park after-hours, explored shit, and at some point, kissed, while hiding from the park rangers. But seriously, just stop looking.

I get the point, but maybe that looking desperate puts people off, so being more relaxed could help. I recall being dismay that when single no one showed interest, while in a relationship women seems to ask me out (still rarely, but not 0)... Long story short I think the message is don't be too intense, but be honest you're looking for a relationship and not a hookup.
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