191–200 of 741 posts
I am a man (married now) but when i was dating women like you scare me
Oftentimes people talk about lowering your standards if you aren't finding a mate. But that's basically impossible advice to take. Nobody thinks their standards are unreasonable or unrealistic.
I wonder if it might help to look for reasons to say yes. Yes to a less promising match, to a second date even if the first wasn't great.
My problem is that I say yes too easily which is a similar problem. And I that vein if you ever find yourself in Houston you should look me up. 39m, who knows? Maybe you'll start the trend of DateHN just like AskHN and ShowHN.
If you've only been doing it for two years... it may just not be long enough. I'm so sorry that's the case, but it seems to be. Also, you say a lot about yourself, but not a lot about what makes someone a "marriageable man". What are your criteria? Who are you looking for? Clearly you have a lot of people who seem like good candidates, so what rules them out? My own anecdata is that it took me about three years of se…
This mirrors my experience almost exactly - it's like lightning, and hasn't faded even over time. I'd add it's been especially tough to date during the past two years due to the pandemic. Many high-quality people didn't even bother to be on the apps, so often the inventory wasn't very good, to say the least. Once you find your needle and get to the other side of this process, it'll feel like you're finally home and y…
I think it is really important to remember how tough it is post-pandemic. Everyone is a little traumatized, unused to social interactions, sun deprived , under-exercised etcetera
Thank you thank you thank you so much for the chimes. It’s a topic I’m really passionate about too and if I do find a solution for myself I really want to use that knowledge to help others
It sounds like you’ve been trying the typical “random” dating approach. Meet some guy, figure out if you like each other, then ??? That approach has a high miss rate and doesn’t work for all people. If you are indeed ready to find someone I would advise you to get pragmatic and be specific about exactly what you want. Write down exactly who you are looking for. Try to narrow to age, race, physical characteristics, et…
Second pass is incongruence. The best advice I every got on hiring was to not hire people whose projected persona wasn't congruent; what that means changes from person to person, but it ends up being critical for close relationships.
Personally, I don’t believe dates work for love. For lust, attraction, and curiosity/discovery, sure. But love is what grows over time after (continuous/regular) prolonged exposure. Mostly out of friendship. It is also one of those things that always seems to rise (as a feeling) when you least expect it and aren’t looking for it. Every couple I know met their significant other around study, family acquaintances, spor…
There is also a survivorship bias at play. The men who are available in your age range are probably the least interested in settling down and having children. Due to the ticking of the biological clock, a strange thing happens around 25 - 30 for men where they suddenly are pursued rather than pursuer. Most remotely desirable men will find themselves attached at this point even if they didn't intend to be (I sure didn't).
In your shoes, I'd wager your best bet would be divorced men who have children. They have been thrust back into the reproductive marketplace often against their will (women initiate most divorces) but probably enjoy children and are used to being in a marriage.
Happy hunting!
One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single. Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expecta…
I really appreciate the part of the story where your wife invited you for ice cream. Sometimes I have difficulty being assertive because I’m afraid of rejection or I have a cultural expectation that if a man really liked me, he would chase.
But as your story illustrates, it can be very important for women to make that move!
Also what I’m getting from this and other threads is that it’s ok if a guy doesn’t seem to immediately want to marry you and have kids, and leave a little more time for the get to know you phase.
And then the get to know you phase that lasts the rest of your lives together.
Thanks so much for sharing your beautiful story.
I hope this isn't too blunt but worth confronting if it's part of the trouble. Have you been very promiscuous during those previous 3 decades? For some men, that makes you a great choice for a girlfriend but a no for a wife. There's cultural shaming of men for having this preference so you might not hear it openly expressed a lot but it does exist and influence their decisions. In case it doesn't work out like you ho…
No I’ve been very selective, not promiscuous and usually go on coffee dates for the first date
Especially the last one; a little bit of discomfort is a fantastic icebreaker.
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I think it’s quite possible or I don’t know what to look for. I didn’t have a dad so it’s hard for me to know what I like and don’t like. That said, there are many men I’ve found attractive when the timing wasn’t right so I don’t know that I’m too picky either. Hard to say. I wish I was more discerning in seeing who is a good man who could be a good partner for me
I see in your other posts you’re saying 1 in 10 men you find attractive. Also that you’ve dated unemployed men. So maybe it isn’t standards in terms of income, occupation, etc. that’s holding you back. It seems like you’re using attractiveness as the first filter. Which most people do when finding a mate. But given your age and your goals, maybe you should give a chance to more of those that you don’t find meeting yo…
It's trajectory, not starting point.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I think it’s quite possible or I don’t know what to look for. I didn’t have a dad so it’s hard for me to know what I like and don’t like. That said, there are many men I’ve found attractive when the timing wasn’t right so I don’t know that I’m too picky either. Hard to say. I wish I was more discerning in seeing who is a good man who could be a good partner for me
Frankly it sounds like you are saying you left men in the past for "amorphous career-related" reasons but find yourself working at a risk-laden startup moving cities out of alleged insecurity with your social and romantic circumstance at the age of 41 with no kids, raising the woe-is-me flag on an internet forum. Just calling a spade a spade here. Don't underestimate the commitment of kids. Prospective partners know…