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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#561

Post by actfrench »

gamechangr wrote: post #392
actfrench wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

> I don’t think there’s any shame in being clear I want a family soon This ruins a lot of my friends dating scenarios. I think you maybe should rethink that. In my humble opinion, the laws of supply and demand are stacked against you. Most single men in there 40's expect that there partners are wanting to have kids and feel pressured by hearing it on a date. You also could miss high quality options who say they're "…

In general, I swipe left on guys who explicitly say they don't want kids or have and don't want more. That's pretty much the extent of it. I've learned not to think I can change somebody if they are that specific that they don't want children.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#562

Post by actfrench »

em-bee wrote: post #507
gamechangr wrote: post #392

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I don’t think there’s any shame in being clear I want a family soon This ruins a lot of my friends dating scenarios. I think you maybe should rethink that. In my humble opinion, the laws of supply and demand are stacked against you. Most single men in there 40's expect that there partners are wanting to have kids and feel pressured by hearing it on a date. You also could miss high quality options who say they're "…

this sounds like a failure of communicating more than anything else. your friend at 38 wasn't making clear why he didn't want kids. in his position i'd have said, i don't earn enough money yet for kids. Men need to feel they have a financial security or they will pass i wonder if men who need a high income before they fell that security are potentially covering up other insecurities or are just very materialistic. i'…

I tend to agree with this. I also feel that in general men who are in my age range have a clearer idea of what they want and I try to respect that instead of trying to change things or "hook them in." In their twenties, their mind might change drastically, but not so much later in life.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#563

Post by actfrench »

throw220702 wrote: post #378
actfrench wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

As a man not much younger than you, it's helpful to hear that's a turn-off. What to ask when is tricky. I see several options: 1. Estimate the odds of successfully procreating upfront; Downside: Can seem boorish and unromantic and ruin the chance of a potentially successful relationship. 2. Keep getting to know each other and discuss once we're more comfortable with each other. If the answer is unfavorable: a. Be hon…

"Of course, you're doing that now. This has gotten so much attention that it I'd give you one-third odds of being married in 18 months to either someone who saw this thread or someone someone who sees this thread introduces you to."

That's a really kind and encouraging thought. I appreciate that.

It's kind of amusing to me that people are starting to think the way I presented myself in this post is the way I should present myself on a first date. I would also worry about scaring someone away! That said, I've already met a couple people through the post, so maybe being up front and explicit about what I want is a good thing!

In trying to figure out a generic way of solving the problem, you take an approach that works fabulously for you but is difficult to scale." ->> so true

" A bit like the education problem..." nice one:) you pay attention to detail!

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#564

Post by actfrench »

kstenerud wrote: post #386
actfrench wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

> one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we went on a first date or even via text BEFORE we met such as, and I kid you not, “how long ago did you freeze your eggs.” “Oh you want kids, are you planning to adopt ? Because , your age…” “ would you be willing to have kids before we got married, because your…

Thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement.

I believe that gently asking someone if they're open to having kids on the third date or so is very different than aggressively asking a woman very specific questions and making generalizations about her reproductive health before you've even had a first date or on that first date, especially when the question was uninvited.

It is sad to me that so many people feel that I should hide my desire to have children because "it's a turn-off."

I feel that it's important to be honest and truthful with people.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#565

Post by actfrench »

EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK wrote: post #457
kstenerud wrote: post #386

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we went on a first date or even via text BEFORE we met such as, and I kid you not, “how long ago did you freeze your eggs.” “Oh you want kids, are you planning to adopt ? Because , your age…” “ would you be willing to have kids before we got married, because your…

Having children is not an "ulterior motive". It is a more important and honest motive than "eternal love" we have been conditioned by Hollywood to believe in.

Thank you. One hundred times yes.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#566

Post by actfrench »

dieselgate wrote: post #420
kstenerud wrote: post #386

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we went on a first date or even via text BEFORE we met such as, and I kid you not, “how long ago did you freeze your eggs.” “Oh you want kids, are you planning to adopt ? Because , your age…” “ would you be willing to have kids before we got married, because your…

I’m a guy fwiw and think this is the best comment I’ve seen so far on the thread. Mostly because: I agree with it, think the advice/reasoning about ulterior motives and the luxury of time is wise, and lays out some good alternatives for OP. Best of luck to the above poster and OP

I think that if a motivation to create a child with someone is expressed plainly and clearly, it is far from an ulterior motive. It's a genuine motive.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#567

Post by actfrench »

D13Fd wrote: post #391
actfrench wrote: post #286

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are either of you women ? This is seriously obnoxious to ask about on a first date and ignores the reality that many women such as myself , fortunately are quite fertile and capable of having children. I’m sorry but a woman would not post this BS

I’m male. And I can’t imagine I would ask about it on a first date. But if you’re up on fertility issues, it’s a legitimate concern. As people age, the rate of fertility success inevitably goes down, and the risks (e.g. Down syndrome) go up pretty dramatically. Having frozen eggs greatly reduces those risks, and for an older man that wants kids, a potential wife with frozen eggs could mean a lot.

I agree it is a legitimate question. But a first date is not the place to ask it, as you say, and certainly not to keep prying when a woman says she's not ready to speak about something so personal. I do want to have children but I don't like being treated like a cow for breeding and that's certainly not how I treat men on my dates. This is exactly why I am looking for love and intimacy with someone before having children. If I JUST wanted to have kids, I could go to a sperm bank or ask a friend to lend some swimmers or have a one-night stand. I'm looking for a real, mutually beneficial partnership. And hopefully one of our shared values is having children.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#568

Post by actfrench »

amanaplanacanal wrote: post #309
actfrench wrote: post #299

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I “need to accept responsibility for not having kids”? How am I not accepting responsibility for not having kids?

I think what they are trying to say is that getting pregnant is easy. You could do it if you want to. It’s the finding a mate first that is making it difficult.

yes, that's true.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#569

Post by NylaTheWolf »

em-bee wrote: post #507
gamechangr wrote: post #392

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I don’t think there’s any shame in being clear I want a family soon This ruins a lot of my friends dating scenarios. I think you maybe should rethink that. In my humble opinion, the laws of supply and demand are stacked against you. Most single men in there 40's expect that there partners are wanting to have kids and feel pressured by hearing it on a date. You also could miss high quality options who say they're "…

this sounds like a failure of communicating more than anything else. your friend at 38 wasn't making clear why he didn't want kids. in his position i'd have said, i don't earn enough money yet for kids. Men need to feel they have a financial security or they will pass i wonder if men who need a high income before they fell that security are potentially covering up other insecurities or are just very materialistic. i'…

> i don't like that much. i'd prefer people clearly state their expectations. make clear what conditions you expect before you can have kids. don't have hidden criteria that make you change your mind without the other being aware.

That part made me uncomfy too. I'm quite young and I've never dated so take this with a grain of salt, but maybe also clarify that you're open to the fact that you may change your mind? I don't know.

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