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Being ambitious and being a dad

nicholascharriere.com

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Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#701

Post by fdgfikgfv »

mikemarsh wrote: post #688
siren2026 wrote: post #674

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Is it really? How much of that is a "feeling" that evolution made you feel in order to protect your kid from issues? having kids is the baseline normal for millions of years. As much as you "feel" that this is the most important thing you ever did, it is worth taking a step back and think rationally about this. Is it really? What about it makes it SO important? Because we for sure are not going extinct at all. Having…

Any kind of accomplishment outside of having kids could also be boiled down to an "evolutionary" drive for status, power, belonging, etc. Why is this nihilist lens applied selectively to one pursuit and not others?

[dead]

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#702

Post by spidercat »

graemep wrote: post #699
spidercat wrote: post #692

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Does the birth rate discourse put pressure on you as an individual? Implicitly, I think, yes. It builds on all of the other social pressures, big and small. I'm sure an entire humanities thesis could be written about how it all adds up over time. I wrote another comment elsewhere in the thread talking about polarized opinions broadcasted on social media and how that also adds to the stress of it all. Nobody ever wan…

I think the other comment was in answer to me too. I think you are right about the polarised opinions. I think in real life (at least for people I know) pregnancy is generally fine, with maybe a few horrible bits (i.e. if there are any medical problems/something goes wrong). It has lots of positives but its difficult. Parenthood is usually wonderful. I am afraid men have it easier as we get the parenthood without the…

>I am afraid men have it easier as we get the parenthood without the pregnancy!

Ain't that the truth! I've long joked that I'd make a great Dad. :)

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#703

Post by keeda »

poncho_romero wrote: post #568
keeda wrote: post #211

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Wellllll, kind of... I've realized hunger is often just another habit because we're used to eating N meals a day, like the GP comment implies. I've done a quasi OMAD (1-meal a day) thing on-and-off for 3+ years now and don't feel hungry the rest of the time, given my current physical activity levels. It took a few days to get used to, but now I can start and stop OMAD on demand. I'd recommend everyone try fasting and…

I did fasting for a while, usually fasting for 16+ hours and eating 1-2 meals in the eight hour feeding window, but eventually stopped in favour of working out. I'd like to be able to lift while also fasting, but I'm worried that (1) I'd struggle to hit my protein targets and (2) only eating during a small window each day would hurt muscle growth.

Oh for sure, if your physical activity is higher you need to eat commensurately more! What I meant is, for most of us with desk jobs and little physical activity, our bodies need surprisingly little food and this is what fasting reveals.

Like even on OMAD I pretty much don't lose any weight (and no, I'm not as lean as I wish I were!) I strongly suspect if average, healthy people cut out an entire meal a day and changed nothing else, their bodies would stay mostly the same.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#704

Post by maciejgryka »

Thank you fur writing this nichochar.

I have many similar thoughts, but one thing that worries me is also trying too hard to do the optimal thing. I often find that my own expectations collide with reality (kids’ moods, random events necessitating change of plans etc). So it’s important to switch from “rationally making shit happen” mode during work time to “vibe and see what happens” during family time. This mental switch is hard.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#705

Post by the_af »

TrueDuality wrote: post #636
faeyanpiraat wrote: post #440

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I kinda agree with you but Could you please elaborate on “ having kids does all the good things in life at once” as I dont see how is that so straightforward. I’m actually currently really conflicted on the idea whether I want or dont want kids.

I have a kid with my partner and I'm still not sure it was the right decision for me. They do become a full-time job in their own right and there is a whole set of skills that you can kind of learn through books but is going to be unique to your little one. The first couple of months were especially hard as they don't have much of a personality, don't really react much to the world around them, they're just feeding,…

Good comment. I have two remarks:

> It's time-consuming and exhausting, but I haven't found it to be _hard_ yet.

I think this is exactly what people mean when they say "hard": time-consuming and exhausting, not hard as in "I cannot figure this out". Usually you figure it out as you go.

This is excluding children with serious health problems, etc. I'm thankful I won the lottery in this regard, I know some situations can destroy families.

> I still, and unfortunately kind of frequently, miss what I have effectively sacrificed to have her. I am slower at staying on top of emerging trends, hobbies have been left by the wayside

Also rings true for me. Especially my hobbies, I barely have time for them now; and when she grows up who knows whether I'll be able to resume them. But in my case, this is balanced by this thought: would I be happier if I had more time for my hobbies, but she wasn't in my life. And the answer is very clearly that I prefer her to be in my life 1000000%, and if I cannot do my hobbies all that often that's an acceptable loss.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#706

Post by pbreit »

spicyusername wrote: post #398

The older I get the more I realize ambition and "being ambitious" is a completely misplaced way to orient your life. The chance of validation from others is not a good reason for making one choice or another and a life made of choices of that kind will eventually leave you spiritually bankrupt. Make decisions based on what you're passionate about, based on what will bring and keep meaningful relationships into your l…

Just remember, for 99.9% of us, work accomplishments are meaningless.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#707

Post by the_af »

Jtarii wrote: post #664
thunspa wrote: post #580

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The replies in this thread are already very good. I'm a dad of two, but I won't add anything more than that you will be hard pressed to find a parent who will regret having children. I understand the bias in it, but people can be persuaded into honesty and, under anonymity on this website, are more likely to be honest about such things.

>you will be hard pressed to find a parent who will regret having children It is such an extreme social taboo to admit you regret having your children that even if you find someone that does you would never know.

Agreed, though I know some people who evidently regretted having children, or never bonded with their own but developed "quasi-parental" relationships with children who weren't their own. More than one case, actually!

But I think most parents, in reasonable socioeconomic conditions, don't regret having children.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#708

Post by cableshaft »

yoyohello13 wrote: post #675
sailfast wrote: post #575

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Screaming hot take: sometimes folks use giving up on their dreams or ambitions as an excuse. (_sometimes_) But also it's just a different deal for mothers than fathers. Physically, mentally, it's just not comparable.

It is always funny to read these threads where all the men are saying how you don't need to compromise when they have a stay at home wife keeping it all together. It's a totally different ballgame for the majority of women.

I stated she had a day job making pretty good money. That's not a stay at home wife.

Also didn't say they don't need to compromise, obviously having children requires compromises to be made in your life, there's no way you can live it entirely the same way as you used to anymore. I said they don't need to totally give up on it forever. Thinking something has to be all or nothing is the opposite of compromise. That's essentially a self-imposed ultimatum.

It's also not backed by history. There's plenty of women authors who have children and continue writing books, and have prolific writing careers. It can slow down or delay getting books out, sure, but so can plenty of other things in life besides children, which I've also seen happen (like multiple 1+ year long writer's blocks): https://slate.com/culture/2022/09/women-writers-motherhood-h...

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#709

Post by the_af »

sneak wrote: post #454
jraby3 wrote: post #430

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've thought about this and while I agree with you completely, I think the reason why is not just society at large. Externally what most people see is the time suck, money suck, and frustration with teaching behavior, fixing bad behavior etc. What's so easy to miss is the immense feeling of love, of being needed, of being loved, that words can't describe. I frequently tell people I feel like the grinch after he disco…

You don’t need children to have these sorts of feelings, unless you can only get them from some small people who don’t have any choice but to love you.

> You don’t need children to have these sorts of feelings, unless you can only get them from some small people who don’t have any choice but to love you.

Peak HN comment.

Technically you don't "need" anything in life besides food and shelter. You don't need to have children, or loved ones, or friends, or ambitions, or projects, or goals... but life is very sad if you miss all of them.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#710

Post by geodel »

theF00l wrote: post #598
sokoloff wrote: post #583

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know a couple of O’Reilly authors. I don’t think any of them expected a best-seller or awards from their work, just “I get a high-four or barely-five figure payment for a competent treatment of a technical topic.” Maybe you could argue that’s a lightweight version of “approval of others”

Surprised to hear that an O'Reilly book will net you less than a month of work for a SWE in the US and some parts of Europe. But I guess the reward is not the money but the expertise and signal.

That plus, online, in-person training opportunities.
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