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Being ambitious and being a dad

nicholascharriere.com

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Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#571

Post by mylies43 »

Gareth321 wrote: post #521
Forgeties79 wrote: post #442

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Teachers told me that becoming a parent was the worst thing in the whole world That’s…unhealthy and unusual.

I think they were trying to scare us into not having sex. Or at least having protected sex. Either way, they made all the kids watch videos about teen pregnancy and how it would ruin our lives. They also repeated it frequently in sex education. They focused on how terrible it was to have children. The struggles, etc. I suppose it is difficult for teens to understand nuance, but it certainly left a fairly grim impress…

In my experince we got that, but it was all focused on having a kid while being a teenager will ruin your life not that having a kid at all will ruin your life. Which is fair, a teenager having a child is in a lot of ways ending their lifes or making at a minimum way more difficult( if they family support that is, otherwise good luck )

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#573

Post by sailfast »

TitaRusell wrote: post #550
sailfast wrote: post #534

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The article is not talking about having "a great career" (which you can have while also having good balance and focusing on things). To me, the article is more a lament. There is only so much time in this life, and if you're organized (I read that to mean intentional in your execution and not wasting time) then you apply that time to your highest priority. Work / building things / personal hobbies / your partner / yo…

In my country you're not entitled to your husband/wife money so both parents need to make sure that they're financially independent.

Do you mean in the case of divorce? Or in the case that a husband decides to not be a collaborating partner in raising a child? Obviously to be totally secure you need to make sure you have some money, but ideally it's a collaboration and not a competition even if the law doesn't provide an entitlement.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#574

Post by wat10000 »

close04 wrote: post #300
Gareth321 wrote: post #266

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agreed. I'm well travelled. Have had a very fun and satisfying dating life. A great career. Accomplished many life goals. Nothing comes close to fatherhood. Which frustrates me immensely, because I feel that society at large did everything it could to convince me that parenthood is terrible. Movies and TV shows portrayed only the bad. Teachers told me that becoming a parent was the worst thing in the whole world. A w…

> Agreed. I'm well travelled. Have had a very fun and satisfying dating life. A great career. Accomplished many life goals. Nothing comes close to fatherhood. I completely agree with you. But I can't say around me, people, movies, society ever sent the message that parenthood is terrible. The way I interpret the message was always "this was hard, this was grueling, but I wouldn't change it for the world". I didn't ge…

You'd never hear me say it in person, but I'll admit it here. I'm sure it's great for most people, but it's not for me.

I agree with your assessment of society at large. The prevailing attitude is, having children is the best thing you'll ever do, that you ever could do. The most you'll get is, it's the hardest job in the world but also the best, and totally worth it. I have no idea what the other person is talking about when they say everything conveyed the message that parenthood is terrible. This sort of thing almost makes me wonder if the internet actually connects parallel universes and we just haven't realized it, because that's not how it is in mine.

I was on the fence, but had no support for it. All the media said do it. Everybody around me said do it. There was literally not a single dissenting voice in my life saying, "don't do it if you're not sure." Or even just "if you feel that way then maybe it's worth considering not having kids as an option, or at least waiting until you become more certain."

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#575

Post by sailfast »

cableshaft wrote: post #557
ron_woods wrote: post #503

Sorry if this offends anyone but why must we choose between having a great career and being a great parent. Why is it a zero-sum game? Want to be great at something neglect your children to do so. Want to be a great parent, fine you have a mediocre career. From the article you are ambitious about building things. Well guess what children are, the ultimate piece of clay from which you get a front row seat to mold. If…

> why must we choose between having a great career and being a great parent. Why is it a zero-sum game? I had basically this exact conversation with a close family member, who sees having children as being forced to give up on her dreams of being a writer forever, which I just don't get (she's already written and released 4 novels which have made some decent money, just not enough to do it fulltime, and still has a d…

Screaming hot take: sometimes folks use giving up on their dreams or ambitions as an excuse. (_sometimes_)

But also it's just a different deal for mothers than fathers. Physically, mentally, it's just not comparable.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#576

Post by thenatureboy »

DangerousYams wrote: post #509

My solution is to involve my kids in all my projects. I am very lucky that I build games and often they are educational games where my kids are literally the target audience. No better education for the kids and you get a very natural organic quality time.

So using the kids as guinea pigs. Nice

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#578

Post by thunspa »

OvervCW wrote: post #493
mysterydip wrote: post #485

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was on the fence for a long time as well. It just looked like a lot of work. And not to sugar coat it, it _is_ a lot of work. But it’s also been so rewarding. You get to see someone experience things for the first time, like riding a bike or eating a tomato. Teaching them it’s ok to have feelings, helping them overcome their fears, watching them make friends. Giving them the advice I wished I had heard from someone…

Surely a lot of this can be experienced by associating with parents and their children rather than having them yourself, right? This may sound somewhat reductive, and please correct me if that is the case, but I find that I can be around and play with my nephew and experience all of this wonder and how he progresses through life, while not being around for the sleepless nights and tantrums that I feel are the "work"…

As is the case with so many things, the person you're replying to will reply with what they can quantify about the experience, but there is much much more to it that is unquantifiable and hard to convey. It is the difference between "using" someone's child for the satisfaction of these experiences, versus raising a child for their own sake, that you are wholly responsible for, especially in the early years.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#579

Post by archeantus »

jdkoeck wrote: post #281
tene80i wrote: post #244

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There’s “how to be a good parent” advice and there’s also “oh boy how do we manage mealtimes and laundry and the school run” type advice. Someone with lots of kids is going to have great insights into the latter at very least.

If he’s the father, he may have no involvement in the logistics whatsoever. Especially if he has a large family.

I am the father, and I have a ton of involvement in the day-to-day work of running the house. This brings me and my wife a lot of satisfaction and it undoubtedly wouldn’t be possible if I was still commuting to work in Silicon Valley.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#580

Post by thunspa »

faeyanpiraat wrote: post #440
spicyusername wrote: post #398

The older I get the more I realize ambition and "being ambitious" is a completely misplaced way to orient your life. The chance of validation from others is not a good reason for making one choice or another and a life made of choices of that kind will eventually leave you spiritually bankrupt. Make decisions based on what you're passionate about, based on what will bring and keep meaningful relationships into your l…

I kinda agree with you but Could you please elaborate on “ having kids does all the good things in life at once” as I dont see how is that so straightforward. I’m actually currently really conflicted on the idea whether I want or dont want kids.

The replies in this thread are already very good. I'm a dad of two, but I won't add anything more than that you will be hard pressed to find a parent who will regret having children. I understand the bias in it, but people can be persuaded into honesty and, under anonymity on this website, are more likely to be honest about such things.
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