Being ambitious and being a dad • Hacker News Board

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#691

Post by siren2026 » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 6:46 PM UTC

mikemarsh wrote: post #688

siren2026 wrote: post #674

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Is it really? How much of that is a "feeling" that evolution made you feel in order to protect your kid from issues? having kids is the baseline normal for millions of years. As much as you "feel" that this is the most important thing you ever did, it is worth taking a step back and think rationally about this. Is it really? What about it makes it SO important? Because we for sure are not going extinct at all. Having…

Any kind of accomplishment outside of having kids could also be boiled down to an "evolutionary" drive for status, power, belonging, etc. Why is this nihilist lens applied selectively to one pursuit and not others?

They should absolutely all be discussed. I just don't see a lot of rationale that supports that having kids is the "biggest accomplishment of a lifetime" though.

There is inherently nothing very special, unique or difficult about it. It has always been the normal things that happen to most humans and animals since the dawns of time.

If you respond to this, please use rationale and not feelings to describe why having kids is the "biggest achievement from your lifetime".

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#692

Post by spidercat » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 6:47 PM UTC

graemep wrote: post #685

spidercat wrote: post #653

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, speaking as a female-bodied person here - undoubtedly a minority on this site - I absolutely feel the pressure to have children in society, pretty much every day. Look at the "birth rate" discourse that's been going on. There's tremendous pressure on women to have more babies. There's also a lot of pendulum-swinging in the opposite direction with your edgy "antinatalists", in some sort of weird "overcorrection"…

Does the birth rate discourse put pressure on you as an individual? I had expected that to also be more of an online than real life push. There is more pressure on women to have kids than on men. That is not new. What is new is a more negative attitude to children and parenting in society in general. Do you feel there are conflicting pressures now?

>Does the birth rate discourse put pressure on you as an individual?

Implicitly, I think, yes. It builds on all of the other social pressures, big and small. I'm sure an entire humanities thesis could be written about how it all adds up over time.

I wrote another comment elsewhere in the thread talking about polarized opinions broadcasted on social media and how that also adds to the stress of it all. Nobody ever wants to talk about the "it was/is... fine, actually. kind of whatever. not great, but not horrible." possibility of pregnancy (and parenthood). It's always either the most wonderful, miraculous thing ever and you're insane for not wanting it, or it's the most horrible, irreversibly damaging thing ever and you're insane for wanting it.

And the thing is... it COULD be any of those outcomes! It could ruin your life. It could also make your life so much more fulfilling. There's simply no way to know for sure what it will be like for you without doing it. It is an enormous gamble, especially when you are the person who has to endure the pregnancy, and it is a gamble that you can't really walk away from. (Of course, you can give a child up for adoption, but there's a lot of social shame involved in that, especially if it is a wanted child that you're quite literally giving up on rearing.)

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#693

Post by spidercat » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 6:50 PM UTC

angmarsbane wrote: post #686

spidercat wrote: post #653

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, speaking as a female-bodied person here - undoubtedly a minority on this site - I absolutely feel the pressure to have children in society, pretty much every day. Look at the "birth rate" discourse that's been going on. There's tremendous pressure on women to have more babies. There's also a lot of pendulum-swinging in the opposite direction with your edgy "antinatalists", in some sort of weird "overcorrection"…

This onslaught of birth rate articles laying the blame at women's feet drives me up a wall. Many of my female peers have frozen their eggs to preserve their ability to have children to the best of their abilities or have undergone fertility evaluations proactively, other female friends in their 30s/40s have pursued the single-mom-by-choice route once they had the financial security to do so. I do not see my male peer…

Not to mention the evidence coming out about advanced paternal age and adverse outcomes on offspring. The pressures are definitely lopsided. If anything, the pressures should be on society and institutions to provide more support for parents, people who want to become parents, and people who just want to be part of "the village". So... support for people, I suppose. A rising tide lifts all boats. Something like that. I dunno. There's a lot of factors at play here; I'm just spitballing.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#694

Post by Forgeties79 » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 6:50 PM UTC

siren2026 wrote: post #676

marliechiller wrote: post #461

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you have children? If no, then how can you make this assertion? If yes, what or who is filling the gap that children fill for you?

This is a fallacy. You don't need to live a situation to be able to comment about it. Especially if we try to rationalize the choice. If you talk about "feelings", then fine. But be aware that "feelings" could simply be your hormone levels changing after having kids.

You don’t need to be a parent to be allowed to comment on or speculate about being a parent, but this is definitely one of those things you can’t guess at or estimate.

Until it is your kid in front of you you can’t know what you’ll feel as a parent. Maybe it’s all hormones and monkey brain, but that doesn’t make it any different.

Many people do not have that Hollywood Magic moment where “everything changed.” Some of my friends experienced this, some of them did not. None of us experienced what we thought we would.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#695

Post by _zoltan_ » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 6:53 PM UTC

katzgrau wrote: post #59

YC reject so I bootstrapped and was thankfully able to hit profitability before my first kid showed up. I’ve now got two. I also have dreams bigger than ever. In fact, writing this while sitting on the couch with the kids watching Muppet Treasure Island while my kids are wearing pirate hats and waving foam swords. I’m still extremely productive and prolific. Probably less compared with before. But before, I had frien…

Friends "distracting"? Man, that sounds backwards. Work, skip breakfast on purpose, work until 10pm... Nah. That's not a good place.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#696

Post by [deleted] » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 6:55 PM UTC

Daneel_ wrote: post #531

crassus_ed wrote: post #291

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So you're basically a machine that spends their time working and taking care of your children? This feels like a one-way ticket to a burnout.

Agreed. This sounds like absolute hell. No time for even a single hobby? Where's your pleasure in life?

[deleted]

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#697

Post by graemep » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 6:59 PM UTC

spidercat wrote: post #689

graemep wrote: post #681

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Pregnancy is never going to be easy (and its one part of parenting I am glad I did not have to do!) but it can definitely be made easier and more pleasant. it varies a lot though. We were quite lucky in many ways. However, why is pregnancy scarier than it used to be when it is safer than it has ever been? It seems to be more scary in developed countries than in poor ones too. I wonder whether the loss of the "village…

I wonder how much of it has to do with the fact that birth control offers us a choice in the matter. Pregnancy used to be something You Just Did, because, well, most people enjoy having sex, and pregnancy is the intended consequence of unprotected sex. It's scary, it's stressful, it's risky, and it's sometimes even fatal... but it's "part of life". It's how we ended up here, after all. Now we have a choice. Which is…

Birth control has been around for a long time now. The oral contraceptive pill was invented 70 years ago. Fear of pregnancy to the level of putting people off having kids is much newer.

I think its very likely that social media plays apart.

I think people glossing pregnancy over as wonderful are optimistic. I think a more honest take is "its hard but worth it".

> What if it's nine months of constant nausea, being bedbound, gaining weight I'll never be able to lose?

Its not nine months of nausea or being bedbound though. Most women I know lived normal lives for most of their pregnancies.

> Will my partner still find me attractive? Will they support me during? Will they support me after? Will I feel supported

Absolutely do not have kids with a partner whose support you cannot rely on!

None of us are going to keep our looks all our lives anyway.

> Will I feel resentment that they'll be able to enjoy things like alcohol while I'll have to stay completely sober for a very long time?

When i had my kids the NHS advice was to drink in moderation. Changes since then have been politically driven (and by increased American influence on attitudes) rather than being the rest of any new science. My ex went off alcohol before she knew she was pregnant (which is the most critical time) and then drank moderately thereafter.

> Will I feel resentment if the majority of childcare falls on me, which is statistically actually quite likely?

That is understandable. Again it partly comes down to having the right partner. Some men do end up doing the majority of childcare - I am one, and I have come across a few others. This is something that is improving too (I hope!).

> What about my career? Will I regret it? What if my child is born with a disability?

Careers get into perspective when you have kids. Very few people regret having their kids, whatever goes wrong. They are so much more important than having a career. I have a lot less money than I would have had without kids, but there is no way I would want to have the money instead.

> What if I'm bad at being a mom? What if I hate it? What if I'm trapped in a life I don't want?

IMO it is extremely rare for the sort of person who worries about being a good parent to be a bad parent. The problem is that people want to be perfect parents, and society encourages anxiety instead of reassuring them that it is OK not to be perfect.

> Fun Auntie is a better role for me I think

Its not a bad role to have! I would point out that being a fun auntie requires someone to have kids!

> and there was more social support for parents.

I think this is critical. I am not sure to what extent pregnancy can be made easier in a direct physical sense, but many women could be better supported through it.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#698

Post by holy_eggplants » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 7:02 PM UTC

jraby3 wrote: post #430

Gareth321 wrote: post #266

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agreed. I'm well travelled. Have had a very fun and satisfying dating life. A great career. Accomplished many life goals. Nothing comes close to fatherhood. Which frustrates me immensely, because I feel that society at large did everything it could to convince me that parenthood is terrible. Movies and TV shows portrayed only the bad. Teachers told me that becoming a parent was the worst thing in the whole world. A w…

I've thought about this and while I agree with you completely, I think the reason why is not just society at large. Externally what most people see is the time suck, money suck, and frustration with teaching behavior, fixing bad behavior etc. What's so easy to miss is the immense feeling of love, of being needed, of being loved, that words can't describe. I frequently tell people I feel like the grinch after he disco…

not only easy to miss but also hard to believe!

how do i explain that my child running into my arms after his first day of daycare is a high ill be chasing for the rest of my life? or the irrational pride when you see your kid flip over for the first time?

it's so many mundane moments that punch 100000x above their weight when its your kid having them. the good parts of parenting sound like fake news (unless youre talking to other parents)

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#699

Post by graemep » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 7:04 PM UTC

spidercat wrote: post #692

graemep wrote: post #685

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Does the birth rate discourse put pressure on you as an individual? I had expected that to also be more of an online than real life push. There is more pressure on women to have kids than on men. That is not new. What is new is a more negative attitude to children and parenting in society in general. Do you feel there are conflicting pressures now?

>Does the birth rate discourse put pressure on you as an individual? Implicitly, I think, yes. It builds on all of the other social pressures, big and small. I'm sure an entire humanities thesis could be written about how it all adds up over time. I wrote another comment elsewhere in the thread talking about polarized opinions broadcasted on social media and how that also adds to the stress of it all. Nobody ever wan…

I think the other comment was in answer to me too.

I think you are right about the polarised opinions. I think in real life (at least for people I know) pregnancy is generally fine, with maybe a few horrible bits (i.e. if there are any medical problems/something goes wrong). It has lots of positives but its difficult.

Parenthood is usually wonderful. I am afraid men have it easier as we get the parenthood without the pregnancy!

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#700

Post by fabian_shipamax » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 7:07 PM UTC

From my perspective this article ignores a key part of being a parent - your partner! Me and my wife build and sold a business - while having a our first child. If you have a partner which supports you/or you support your partner - you can find the time for your kids. Paid help can give you time back without taking time from your kids: get a chef (can also just hire for meal-prep), cleaners, all sorts of helpers (even try to get along with your own parents). If you are successful you can spend money to get time with your kids/family AND put time into work. We also started building an AI agent (of course) hermo.ai which can help manage and reduce your admin work and giving you more time for whatever you want - for example playing with your kids.