Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

I’ve been single all my life

lukasrosenstock.net

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

301–310 of 443 posts

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#301

Post by s1artibartfast »

9530jh9054ven wrote: post #237
s1artibartfast wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This caught my eye as well. I would go even further and say that being so protective of others is infantilizing and disrespectful. Assuming they are consenting and informed adults, they can take their own risks. Assessing counterparty risk and making the choice for them overrides their desires and values, and imposes yours. If there is one thing that I have learned in relationships, it is that you shouldn't attempt t…

I'm not sure I can agree with that. I'm incapable of relationships, but even if it were, my background makes puts me at a elevated probability of becoming abusive towards towards an intimate partner. Would you not say that most if not all people would not want an abusive partner? If so, then even if it were possible, would not choosing to remain unattached out of concern for others be the more... Correct? Ethical? Mo…

I would say that it would be appropriate to inform them of this, but that is their choice and risk to take.

If you don't like abusing people and avoid relationships for that reason, that is your choice to make.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#302

Post by DiscourseFan »

I've been single for a couple years now. I don't have any trouble meeting women, its just that my standards are a lot higher than they used to be. Though I am moving to another part of the world in less than 6 months, so that may be contributing to my hesitancy. I just can't do casual sex unless I'm paying for it. If I fuck a girl after a date, I practically hear wedding bells when I cum.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#303

Post by vlz »

carbine wrote: post #53
jakeva wrote: post #7

I haven't been single all my life, but the relationships I have had have taught me things that makes it easier to be single. I remember the good times fondly, but the bad times remind me why being single isn't so bad.

I'm a woman and have had long serious relationships and long-ish stretches of being single. Took me a while to filter through all the social pressure BS and realize that, on balance, I have been way (WAY) happier single. Maybe this could change one day? But right now I have no interest in changing it. It'd take someone extraordinary. I'm not 'poly' or 'asexual' or any of that crap, I've just had to give up so much of…

> I'm not 'poly' or 'asexual' or any of that crap

Not to detract from the rest of your post, which I agree with, but why call these orientations "crap"? That is somewhat hurtful.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#304

Post by closeparen »

prawn wrote: post #256
dangwhy wrote: post #159

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> do things that put you around people. I tried skiing through which i met tons of people but very few single women. Tried bjj, no women at all. Hiking and camping groups, again no single women. I still do all of these activities but very few women. I've actually never met a woman ,single or otherwise, mountain biking, which is my main goto in summer. Truth is that women don't generally do a lots of activities.

"Truth is that women don't generally do a lots of activities." I'd strongly disagree with this. They seem to be organising and doing things constantly, in my experience (married 40s male).

Most people do things with their existing social circles. In fact most activities are pretexts (or more charitably, venues) for hanging out with people you already know and like. If you are open to new people, and you're a sociable, attractive young woman, you can probably find a more desirable and less creepy mix of suitors in the guests at parties you're invited to, or setups from your friends, than in Meetup.com attendees or bar patrons. So it would not surprise me if there were fewer women, or at least less openness to romantic encounters, in these open-access spaces.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#305

Post by quotz »

maxbond wrote: post #163
quotz wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Their greatest value to themselves can be decided by themselves. But if they want to date other people then their value can be calculated the same way a market of buyers and sellers of items calculate value. Its no secret men prefer younger and prettier girls. Its no secret women like accomplished men.

People are free to have whatever preferences they wish, but preferences are diverse (rather than being monolithic as you imply), and aggregate preferences are largely irrelevant - if my partner values my ability to do handstands, I need not concern myself with the popularity of handstands.

Handstands wont win you any marriage material partners, though maybe it can win you 1 or 2 numbers in a mall in Vegas. Preferences are diverse, but the same biological needs drive humanity since hundreds of thousands of years ago. Beauty and ambition have both evolved as a result of procreation.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#306

Post by prawn »

closeparen wrote: post #304
prawn wrote: post #256

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Truth is that women don't generally do a lots of activities." I'd strongly disagree with this. They seem to be organising and doing things constantly, in my experience (married 40s male).

Most people do things with their existing social circles. In fact most activities are pretexts (or more charitably, venues) for hanging out with people you already know and like. If you are open to new people, and you're a sociable, attractive young woman, you can probably find a more desirable and less creepy mix of suitors in the guests at parties you're invited to, or setups from your friends, than in Meetup.com a…

The sort of people that need to improve their strategy of meeting women like this sometimes overthink the motives and behaviour of those they're hoping to meet. In a marketing sense, it's about the funnel. Someone upthread talked about just needing to meet more people. Put yourself in a position where you're meeting more and more people, widening the mouth of the funnel, and you improve your prospects at the results end of the funnel.

Generally as a result of being active and sociable, you become a person people want to be around. You can't give off a 'desperate to meet girls' vibe, so focusing on too many details can work against you.

I met my wife volunteering for a charity. Heavy bias of female to male in the volunteer group. Regular meetings to keeping seeing the same group and getting to know each other.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#307

Post by NoboruWataya »

amelius wrote: post #128
fernly wrote: post #99

I think the word that Rosenstock was searching for, was "Introvert"[1]. I'm an introvert who had the good fortune to marry another introvert, and live contentedly with her for 40+ years. Following her death a few years ago I reflected on the differences between being part of a couple, and being solitary. There were many. Health maintenance was one; somebody else in this thread has already commented on married men liv…

> "Introversion is the state of primarily obtaining gratification from one's own mental life". If this is true, then why do we find so many introverts in online forums?

I think it's because forums are asynchronous and low-commitment. If you find a conversation tedious you can just not reply. Harder to do when you're involved in an in-person conversation with someone.

The cited definition from Wikipedia is rather vague and I'm not sure it's entirely accurate. I've always understood introversion vs extraversion as being about where you derive social energy, rather than gratification. I consider myself an introvert. A weekend spent socialising with friends is very gratifying to me, but it is also exhausting, and I am likely to want to spend the next weekend chilling on my own.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#308

Post by sgt »

EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK wrote: post #288
highspeedbus wrote: post #265

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Bar, tinder, churches, open festivals, etc. But the most important: Through friends. Trying to make regular friends and expanding your social circle increases the chances of being invited to private gatherings, where you can meet more people and so on.

No bars unless you like alco addicted girls.

Rough alco addicted girls with arm tattoos. This is highly subjective of course but I agree, bars are old school.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#309

Post by zamnos »

closeparen wrote: post #298
JohnFen wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As someone wiser than me once commented -- nobody is going to knock on your door. If you want to meet people, you have to get out there and do things that put you around people.

If you want those people to like you, you have to be relaxed and confident, which means you have to genuinely enjoy and be good at the thing. I like & am good at a reasonable spread of activities, some of which I can even do with friends, but the only ones that bring me new connections are work or work-adjacent. The activities known for meeting people contain nothing I'd actually do for its own sake. Maybe nerdy peop…

> not a single acquaintance in my Facebook social graph would have the artist in common

Doesn't matter, invite them anyway. Explain your circumstances - that you're looking to get out of the house and you really like the artist and enjoy the vibe of said person you're talking to. Repeat until you get a yes. If you get a rejection, say that you're trying to be more social and just want to get out and meet people as friends, because they have friends. Tell them why you like that artist and that they should give them a listen and see what they think. Some people enjoy discovering new music and will appreciate your introduction to a really awesome band they've never heard of before.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#310

Post by _k7dr »

3m wrote: post #52

>Also, if it doesn’t work out, I’m scared of leaving a broken heart in another person. This is a telling statement. It really highlights his inexperience and immaturity with regards to relationships (not that this is in doubt - it is after all the subject of his post). Being the cause of, and the sufferer of a "broken heart" is a formative experience. There's nothing like healing a broken heart to teach you that actu…

> Being the cause of, and the sufferer of a "broken heart" is a formative experience. There's nothing like healing a broken heart to teach you that actually things get better, and it wasn't right anyway.

I've never understood this, when I was a teen I had fallings out with a person who was a friend but I couldnt read her social signals, I was nowhere near dating her in hindsight and she was too shy tell me what she actually thought of me until it was too late. Combined with a subsequent brutal fallings out with my family lasting for months that caused me to give up any idea of talking to a woman for more than one day

It took 5 more years for me to be diagnosed as autistic. By that point I figured that had been a death sentence for my social life. Lack of success with male counterparts after the social skills sessions and years of therapy solidified that no amount of help would allow me to look past it

Im now going into my thirties and have no friends, still I guess I'm posting on some guys Hn submission about being single so that counts for something, sounds more appropriate a comment on Tumblr though. I'd be willing to believe the only thing keeping me coming back at this point is hormones and the results of evolution. I reject any advance from all genders so nothing is logically inconsistent. I get what I put in. I just want to live a constructed narrative. Some days I wish I could just burn out all my mirror neurons and stop anguishing over it all if I'm really not going to go back again. But even now I guess I still want someone to hear me rant, just so I don't turn insane, its been my one real worry recently

Post reply on HN