I’ve been single all my life • Hacker News Board

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#241

Post by throwaway8458 » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 1:28 AM UTC

atleastoptimal wrote: post #142

CoolioMqSo wrote: post #26

I felt like I had to say this FYI This guy isn't ugly, actually average looking 30yr old white guy, isn't short, is socially active. I honestly have no idea why this guy is still a virgin, im pretty sure he could find someone on a dating app if he got in shape.

>He isn't ugly, short, or awkward so shouldn't be a virgin I've noticed this a lot: whenever a non-ugly person notes that they're perpetually single, the first thing people say is "What? But you're so handsome/tall". This strongly implies that one's physical attributes are the biggest predictor of sexual success. However when people complain that their lack of physical attractiveness is keeping them perpetually singl…

> something I noticed: maybe a societal-scale sort of euphemistic tactic to make people feel better.

I’ve noticed this pattern since I was an adolescent. In my opinion, the behavior is aimed at making the reassuring party feel better about the situation.

Individuals who recognize their unattractiveness and its negative consequences are more likely to engage in antisocial behavior, which is threatening to others. Hence, reassurances aimed at preventing such people from breaking with the group are part of the social script. Taboos on suicide serve a similar function — they deter antisocial individuals from depriving the group of resources (mainly labor, in the case of those who are secretly held to be nonviable for reproductive purposes). The gross inferiority of the reassured party can never be admitted, no matter how obvious, because doing so could justify behavior that the reassuring party finds undesirable.

This dynamic is the single biggest reason for the emergence and persistence of online “incel” communities. These communities provide a safe space for alienated individuals to refute the social script without facing ostracism from one another.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#242

Post by [deleted] » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 1:31 AM UTC

Traubenfuchs wrote: post #81

mettamage wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you search actively? Why didn't it work out? I've also searched actively. It didn't work out in my case as well. Relationships are hard.

I am a 30 year old gay man living in a city of 2 million. By now, to some degree at least, I personally know every single gay man that passes my requirements regarding socioeconomic status, personality and physical attractivity. It didn‘t work out because they didn‘t want me, I didn‘t want them or chatting with them was so uninspiring, we didn‘t even meet. But to answer your question more concretely, generally it did…

[deleted]

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#243

Post by TimTheTinker » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 1:31 AM UTC

kayodelycaon wrote: post #103

hombre_fatal wrote: post #83

I'd wonder how many women this guy (and guys who relate to this post) are incidentally meeting every week. When I was in my mid 20s after uni, it was basically zero. Just women at work, if even that. If so, this is basically the result you can expect and nothing is going to change until you get those numbers up. The common thread I see with guys not meeting women is almost never "I meet a lot of women but they never…

So... how does one actually meet women?

You'll get the most mileage out of anything centered around a personal goal or interest -- the more personal and genuine and less superficial the goal or interest is, the better. As an example, schools (as a student or postgrad) and religious groups (if you're religious) are very good if you're genuine in your involvement.

Also, social events connected in some way to people you already know (both family and friends) provide an incredibly high degree of optionality in all sorts of ways, including potential relationships.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#244

Post by AussieWog93 » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 1:37 AM UTC

scrollaway wrote: post #161

throwntoday wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's a numbers game I think to enter into a relationship knowing there will be an expiration date speaks more to your character. Almost sounds like "I'm with them unless something better comes along or their shortcomings become more than I want to deal with". If you genuinely love someone, you will stand by them, work on any problems, and remember that you chose to build a future together. Given that the divorce ra…

> Given that the divorce rate in my community is less than 1% we're probably doing something right. Or something wrong. Low divorce rate doesn't mean low unhappiness rate. I know several men and women in utterly trash relationships, who'd be better off alone, but who stay married because "this is the way". It's a mix of "must have kids at all costs" (even if that cost is the parents and kids having awful lives becaus…

The flip side, of course, is couples throwing completely repairable relationships in the garbage can and creating lifelong issues for their kids.

I think a lot of pro-divorce people would be surprised at what couples can recover from if they're prepared to work at it.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#245

Post by thealchemistdev » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 1:40 AM UTC

JasserInicide wrote: post #106

aidenn0 wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm a man and I definitely see more pressure on women to pair off, at least at younger ages. With men (particularly driven or ambitious men), there's a societal "he'll settle down eventually" but with women "eventually" is like "late 20s"

It's not just social pressure, it's simply a biological fact. For each year after ~30, the chance of having something wrong with a child during pregnancy goes up. On average in relationships, women's greatest value is their youth and beauty (early/mid 20s), men's greatest value is when they've progressed in their career and are amassing wealth (mid/late 30s). There's nothing wrong about pointing this out, they're jus…

Unless these people are in your Dunbar Circle, those honest discussions you're looking for won't matter and won't provide value to your life. Craft your life how you see fit and let the results speak for themselves.

Besides, this problem we're in is just about ready to wrap itself up.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#246

Post by joeyfranklin » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 1:40 AM UTC

fernly wrote: post #99

I think the word that Rosenstock was searching for, was "Introvert"[1]. I'm an introvert who had the good fortune to marry another introvert, and live contentedly with her for 40+ years. Following her death a few years ago I reflected on the differences between being part of a couple, and being solitary. There were many. Health maintenance was one; somebody else in this thread has already commented on married men liv…

> So my advice to Rosenstock would be to seek another dedicated introvert.

With respect; why? 40 years ago the future looked very different. None of you felt urgency regarding global warming, faced the same cost of living fiasco, spread of drought, fire, mass migrations, political instability, and whatever conspiracy driven idiocy social media will unleash next.

There is no divine mandate humanity carry on a particular way. No reward for sticking it out with these entitled, self aggrandizing creatures.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#247

Post by JasserInicide » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 1:45 AM UTC

maxbond wrote: post #114

JasserInicide wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's not just social pressure, it's simply a biological fact. For each year after ~30, the chance of having something wrong with a child during pregnancy goes up. On average in relationships, women's greatest value is their youth and beauty (early/mid 20s), men's greatest value is when they've progressed in their career and are amassing wealth (mid/late 30s). There's nothing wrong about pointing this out, they're jus…

Women are not baby machines or objects of beauty, they're people. Their "greatest value" is whatever they decide it to be. They should form relationships in the way that brings them the most happiness. Reducing women to objects of beauty, saying their value comes from their fertility, and implying that if they disagree with that assessment it's because they're too emotional is almost the dictionary definition of miso…

Women are not baby machines or objects of beauty, they're people.

Never said they were, that's you putting words in my mouth. However I think it's fair to say that most people form relationships to have children with people they find attractive. I know you r/childfree types are a vocal minority, but you are just that: a minority. There's plenty of analyses that does deep dives on the data out there. Check out the OkTrends blog that the OkCupid founders ran. You may have to dig for it a little; they deleted it since the facts they uncovered upset a lot of people.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#248

Post by layoff_payoff » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 1:56 AM UTC

amelius wrote: post #128

fernly wrote: post #99

I think the word that Rosenstock was searching for, was "Introvert"[1]. I'm an introvert who had the good fortune to marry another introvert, and live contentedly with her for 40+ years. Following her death a few years ago I reflected on the differences between being part of a couple, and being solitary. There were many. Health maintenance was one; somebody else in this thread has already commented on married men liv…

> "Introversion is the state of primarily obtaining gratification from one's own mental life". If this is true, then why do we find so many introverts in online forums?

> If this is true, then why do we find so many introverts in online forums?

I find writing is more cerebral than verbalizing. I can take an idea, interrogate it before putting it in writing - and then read, edit and re-read it before posting.

Also - have you considered the number of introverts not posting in online forums vs those who do?

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#249

Post by maxbond » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 2:10 AM UTC

JasserInicide wrote: post #247

maxbond wrote: post #114

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Women are not baby machines or objects of beauty, they're people. Their "greatest value" is whatever they decide it to be. They should form relationships in the way that brings them the most happiness. Reducing women to objects of beauty, saying their value comes from their fertility, and implying that if they disagree with that assessment it's because they're too emotional is almost the dictionary definition of miso…

Women are not baby machines or objects of beauty, they're people. Never said they were, that's you putting words in my mouth. However I think it's fair to say that most people form relationships to have children with people they find attractive. I know you r/childfree types are a vocal minority, but you are just that: a minority. There's plenty of analyses that does deep dives on the data out there. Check out the OkT…

I do actually want children. I think it rather undermines your claim that I was putting words in your mouth when you first put words in mine, and then immediately transition to a justification of your view that relationships are principly about raising children.

What you said was that social pressure for women to get married young was justified because that was when they had the best chance of giving birth to healthy children, and that their "greatest value" was their youth and beauty. "Baby machine" is a fair summary of what you've expressed - you're deemphasizing their agency in making decisions about their lives and emphasizing their beauty and fertility, describing them as if they were an object which suited a purpose.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#250

Post by inconceivable » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 2:11 AM UTC

amin wrote: post #30

gtop3 wrote: post #14

Bella DePaulo is probably the leading scholar on the social prejudice and discrimination on single individuals. The fact that the author of the article introduces the term "incel" to deal with this extremely negative stereotype in the second paragraph highlights this prejudice. If you're interested in learning more about the ways single individuals are treated unfairly in society, Dr. DePaulo has many articles and bo…

Any chance you could summarize the prejudice single people experience? I believe you, but it coul save hundreds of people from googling it individually.

married people are given unofficial/unspoken priority for promotions at a lot of workplaces. there's a lot of reasons for this, not all of them positive for the employee.