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I’ve been single all my life

lukasrosenstock.net

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Re: I’ve been single all my life

#71

Post by aidenn0 »

carbine wrote: post #53
jakeva wrote: post #7

I haven't been single all my life, but the relationships I have had have taught me things that makes it easier to be single. I remember the good times fondly, but the bad times remind me why being single isn't so bad.

I'm a woman and have had long serious relationships and long-ish stretches of being single. Took me a while to filter through all the social pressure BS and realize that, on balance, I have been way (WAY) happier single. Maybe this could change one day? But right now I have no interest in changing it. It'd take someone extraordinary. I'm not 'poly' or 'asexual' or any of that crap, I've just had to give up so much of…

I'm a man and I definitely see more pressure on women to pair off, at least at younger ages. With men (particularly driven or ambitious men), there's a societal "he'll settle down eventually" but with women "eventually" is like "late 20s"

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#73

Post by baking »

GalenErso wrote: post #31
ryanwaggoner wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Does that article use “single” to mean someone who isn’t married? Because that leaves out a lot of partnered people. Pew reports 31% of Americans are unpartnered, and of those, half are looking and half aren’t: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profi...

An equal share of men and women are single (31%), but among 18-29 year olds, 51% of men are single, while only 32% of women are. What gives? People don't necessarily partner with people in their age group (e.g. a 27 yo woman partnered with a 31 yo man), but that's not enough to explain the gap, is it?

Over a 12-year age cohort, 19% more men are single. That could be explained by women in relationships being 2.28 years younger on average. Seems about right to me. Of course, older women are more likely to be single (widowed, divorced, or separated) but many of those are in same-sex relationships which are becoming more common.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#74

Post by rektide »

carbine wrote: post #53
jakeva wrote: post #7

I haven't been single all my life, but the relationships I have had have taught me things that makes it easier to be single. I remember the good times fondly, but the bad times remind me why being single isn't so bad.

I'm a woman and have had long serious relationships and long-ish stretches of being single. Took me a while to filter through all the social pressure BS and realize that, on balance, I have been way (WAY) happier single. Maybe this could change one day? But right now I have no interest in changing it. It'd take someone extraordinary. I'm not 'poly' or 'asexual' or any of that crap, I've just had to give up so much of…

Masculinity can be quite isolating/toxic but it's emphasis on your intra-tionship, your living with yourself, on relying on yourself, has arisen in my mind in the past couple years as a kind of interesting aspect that feels undersocialized, out shadowed by other discussions of the male gender norms. I hope it wouldn't be too unfair to say that women are regarded as more social, as relying more on their friends & community. It's a complex issue with all kinds of problems wrapped in it, but there's a thread here that doesn't have the discourse or discussion that I think could help people somewhat identify with self focusing. That said, it absolutely does not have to be a gendered discussion either! But it does seem like there's so many examples walking around of a kind of neat way of living & modest not a-sociality, but kind of less compromising prioritizing of what is good for oneself in how we make & navivate our social arrangements.

And I'm shifting focus here some, trying to get a more macro view than just the question of partnership. But hopefully this idea of social temperament/directivity makes sense as being a broader difference in how we are nurtured or natured.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#75

Post by readthenotes1 »

Traubenfuchs wrote: post #15

As an unhappy single with two past relationships, lots of experience in many crazy things including most drugs, let me tell you that times where you truly love someone while knowing they truly love you back, in other words true mutual love, are probably the most beautiful times in the world one can experience: Holding someone in your arms wishing you‘d die right then and there because you know you have peaked in non-…

"Holding someone in your arms wishing you‘d die right then and there because you know you have peaked in non-drug-induced happiness."

Isn't that peak oxytocin induced happiness?

Agree that it is incredible...

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#76

Post by rektide »

BubbleRings wrote: post #45

Great post. And brave. One thing I believe strongly now, (although I did not always), is that we all very much have the right to be our most charming selves, and ask out people that catch our interest, but then gently let them down gently at any time after 1, 2, or even 10 dates, with no reason needed to be given for why you are breaking up. And if the other person sends the signal of "you are so unkind, for making m…

The vast majority of relationships don't work. That is absolutely not a good reason not to play.

It hurts but folks should be ante-ing anyways. And one of the only ways to make better experiences is with practice & experience. Don't deny that XP gain.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#77

Post by prirun »

I've been single for all but 5 years of my adult (>20) life. After my 5-year relationship ended, I tried the dating scene for 2-3 years, but it's a lot of work for a gay introvert, and I decided that the effort-to-reward was not worth it for me personally and haven't dated for a long time.

Am I completely happy with this? No. But I don't know any couples who are completely happy either. For me, it's like 2 sides of the same coin: I'm happy most of the time, unhappy sometimes. And I think it would be the same if I was in a relationship.

A big difference is, if I notice I'm unhappy, usually lonesome, it's easy to fix by getting involved in some activity with friends, family or just by myself, like taking a walk outside. But when I was in a relationship, being unhappy, usually because of some relationship issue, was more like misery. And because this other person is part of the unhappiness, it's very difficult/impossible to solve on my own. We were living together, so it's not easy to ignore the issue: it's in your face all the time.

Another way I look at it is having a life with highs and lows vs a life that's more "even", without a lot of ups and downs. To some people, a life without highs and lows may be boring. Or, it can be viewed as basically content.

I do think there's a big difference between never having had a relationship of any kind, and having had one and deciding it's not your thing. Before I was in a relationship, I felt like an alien: everyone around me was dating or in a relationship and I had no idea what that was like. It made me feel defective and isolated from everyone, and I'm not sure that would have gotten better with time. So I'm glad I did get to experience love in a relationship, but as we were both pretty miserable by the end of it, I'm not sorry it ended. We are still friends and still talk/text occasionally.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#78

Post by all2 »

sergiomattei wrote: post #65

I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum. I’m 23 and have experienced a solid number of partners and committed relationships. After my last long-term relationship however, I realized how much time and energy these commitments take. I’ve noticed that after a while, I tend to lose myself in long term R’s, and I hate the feeling. This ends my relationships. It starts out fine, with healthy and strong boundaries with reg…

> Something about relationships or my partners slowly erodes them.

Simply put: fear of losing access to sex will make many men compromise a lot. There are other things that can contribute to this, such as "wanting her to be happy" being conflated with "she will only be happy if she gets her way".

I recommend you read No More Mr. Nice Guy and see if it rings any bells for you.

A strong commitment to boundaries doesn't do a lot for you if you capitulate every time.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#79

Post by baking »

zokier wrote: post #29
GalenErso wrote: post #18

You're not alone (pun intended). Record numbers of Americans, men and women alike, are single. > Nearly 118 million Americans, or about 46% of those over 18 years old, are single, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. But that percent is actually much higher for women—a record-breaking 52% of them are unmarried or separated as of 2021, according to a recent report from Wells Fargo Economics. https://fortune.com/2023/0…

"single" and "unmarried or separated" are very different things?!

Data is from the US Census which has a narrow view of relationships.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#80

Post by seedead99 »

I do think it can be especially hard in this industry, being male-dominated, with less social interaction, and not masculine in any traditional sense. I think of careers as containers, or vases, that we eventually grow to fit. Some vases are particularly odd-shaped and hard for potential partners to evaluate.
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