Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

I’ve been single all my life

lukasrosenstock.net

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

81–90 of 443 posts

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#81

Post by Traubenfuchs »

mettamage wrote: post #43
Traubenfuchs wrote: post #15

As an unhappy single with two past relationships, lots of experience in many crazy things including most drugs, let me tell you that times where you truly love someone while knowing they truly love you back, in other words true mutual love, are probably the most beautiful times in the world one can experience: Holding someone in your arms wishing you‘d die right then and there because you know you have peaked in non-…

If you don't mind me asking, how did you search actively? Why didn't it work out? I've also searched actively. It didn't work out in my case as well. Relationships are hard.

I am a 30 year old gay man living in a city of 2 million. By now, to some degree at least, I personally know every single gay man that passes my requirements regarding socioeconomic status, personality and physical attractivity. It didn‘t work out because they didn‘t want me, I didn‘t want them or chatting with them was so uninspiring, we didn‘t even meet. But to answer your question more concretely, generally it didn‘t work out because my lack of physical attraction or the lack of the spark, the click, the compatibility in conversation.

I have literally played through the video games called Tinder and Grindr. I was on OkCupid and I had phases where I went out a lot.

The only chances I have are men leaving long term relationships or men that move here. Though dating anyone whose native language isn‘t German is frustrating to me, because others fluency and eloquence in English is usually even more limited than mine.

Desiring someone with abs and a penis that doesn‘t turn me off in the upper 20% income bracket, who is much more bottom than top, doesn‘t need my help to get stuff from shelves and has a sharp mind leaves me very little choice to begin with.

The one and only realistic thing to increase my chances would be to move to Switzerland or Germany, where I would get a whole new dating pool.

My difficult standards are out of my control and I really tried! My second partner was a great man, totally "marriage material", but his reluctance to turn his pear shaped dough body into a more chiseled form while at the same time enjoying my pornstar body ultimately made me resent him to the point where I ended things. I am either physically turned on by someone or not and loving them or not has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#82

Post by [deleted] »

Traubenfuchs wrote: post #15

As an unhappy single with two past relationships, lots of experience in many crazy things including most drugs, let me tell you that times where you truly love someone while knowing they truly love you back, in other words true mutual love, are probably the most beautiful times in the world one can experience: Holding someone in your arms wishing you‘d die right then and there because you know you have peaked in non-…

[deleted]

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#83

Post by hombre_fatal »

I'd wonder how many women this guy (and guys who relate to this post) are incidentally meeting every week.

When I was in my mid 20s after uni, it was basically zero. Just women at work, if even that.

If so, this is basically the result you can expect and nothing is going to change until you get those numbers up.

The common thread I see with guys not meeting women is almost never "I meet a lot of women but they never like me". It almost always cashes out into "oh yeah, I don't really meet women anyways." Yet they'll carry around this whole constellation of self-limiting beliefs as if they were living the former scenario.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#84

Post by all2 »

TobyTheDog123 wrote: post #62
all2 wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Low drive to mate could be because his T is low. I wonder if he's had his hormones checked.

You're getting downvoted, but I'm not entirely sure why. It's not some toxic Andrew-Tate-esque take to consider low testosterone as a possibility for the lack of drive the author mentions. Personally, I plan on doing it soon, there's no harm in it.

T levels aren't everything, though. Get a full hormone panel. I got one and found my adrenals weren't producing enough DHEA.

Also note that HRT, and specifically testosterone supplementation may not address core issues. I was a candidate for test, but this would have allowed my adrenals to stay suppressed and ruined my balls.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#85

Post by hotpotamus »

all2 wrote: post #38
CoolioMqSo wrote: post #26

I felt like I had to say this FYI This guy isn't ugly, actually average looking 30yr old white guy, isn't short, is socially active. I honestly have no idea why this guy is still a virgin, im pretty sure he could find someone on a dating app if he got in shape.

Low drive to mate could be because his T is low. I wonder if he's had his hormones checked.

Then with the right injections, he could make lots of babies?

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#86

Post by throwntoday »

3m wrote: post #52

>Also, if it doesn’t work out, I’m scared of leaving a broken heart in another person. This is a telling statement. It really highlights his inexperience and immaturity with regards to relationships (not that this is in doubt - it is after all the subject of his post). Being the cause of, and the sufferer of a "broken heart" is a formative experience. There's nothing like healing a broken heart to teach you that actu…

> It's a numbers game

I think to enter into a relationship knowing there will be an expiration date speaks more to your character. Almost sounds like "I'm with them unless something better comes along or their shortcomings become more than I want to deal with".

If you genuinely love someone, you will stand by them, work on any problems, and remember that you chose to build a future together. Given that the divorce rate in my community is less than 1% we're probably doing something right.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#87

Post by Traubenfuchs »

readthenotes1 wrote: post #75
Traubenfuchs wrote: post #15

As an unhappy single with two past relationships, lots of experience in many crazy things including most drugs, let me tell you that times where you truly love someone while knowing they truly love you back, in other words true mutual love, are probably the most beautiful times in the world one can experience: Holding someone in your arms wishing you‘d die right then and there because you know you have peaked in non-…

"Holding someone in your arms wishing you‘d die right then and there because you know you have peaked in non-drug-induced happiness." Isn't that peak oxytocin induced happiness? Agree that it is incredible...

> Isn't that peak oxytocin induced happiness?

Probably! Applying some reductio ad absurdum, isn‘t everything just bioelectric chemistry in our brain?

I just wanted to point out that I consider that feeling as even more pleasant than drugs that technically set the level of "pleasant feeling" beyond what‘s naturally possible.

Maybe I tried the wrong drugs, but they never made me cry from happiness, when having my first partner fall asleep with his head on my lap did.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#88

Post by aidenn0 »

majormajor wrote: post #41
kube-system wrote: post #25

> The obvious course of action when you are unsure about something is experimentation. However, a relationship isn’t an activity (like a job, hobby, or sport) to try and quit when you don’t like it. It requires two people, and you must find a second person willing to try. Finding someone is hard, though. This brings me back to what I said a few paragraphs ago; I don’t see myself ready to invest much in something I’m…

Even if you take the "starting a relationship" path (e.g. online dating to meet people) you really shouldn't be afraid of breaking someone else's heart. Assuming you don't break someone's heart by betraying them or some other awful action, taking responsibility for a broken heart is putting way too much responsibility on yourself, and not respecting other people's agency. It's also going to probably sabotage your att…

I regret that I have only one upvote for this comment. Unless you are either highly abusive or dating someone with significant mental/emotional impairment then assigning the fault to yourself in advance of any actual problems is beyond unhealthy

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#89

Post by shaftoe »

epups wrote: post #68
mmcgaha wrote: post #49

I am recently divorced and I don't see myself ever in another relationship. I would consider a partner where we live in different homes and don't share any expenses or responsibilities but I doubt any woman would accept that as a permanent arrangement.

That's pretty much what having a boyfriend or girlfriend sounds like. Many people do it without even living in the same city. I don't get what would be controversial about it, perhaps the expectation that it has to evolve to something different?

Correct.

Many people have an expectation that boyfriend/girlfriend status is essentially a trial period for marriage. If it's not "going anywhere" it's a waste of time.

As people age, if they have this perspective, they tend to become significantly less patient.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#90

Post by em-bee »

sergiomattei wrote: post #65

I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum. I’m 23 and have experienced a solid number of partners and committed relationships. After my last long-term relationship however, I realized how much time and energy these commitments take. I’ve noticed that after a while, I tend to lose myself in long term R’s, and I hate the feeling. This ends my relationships. It starts out fine, with healthy and strong boundaries with reg…

i haven't made this experience as strongly as i was able to find time for my own things in my work (being selfemployed at times and having a partner that had a well paid job too which lessened the pressure on me to focus on income helped) but what i realized is important is support from my partner for my interests and goals (and of course i should equally support my partners goals)

without that support, compromises meant that i would have to give up my goals in favor of a happy relationship. and maybe this is what you are experiencing. find a partner that actually supports your goals and interests (that doesn't mean that they need to have the same goals and interests, but only that they should not be conflicting, as well as they should have goals you are willing to support)

Post reply on HN