75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12 • Hacker News Board

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#211

Post by Izkata » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 3:16 AM UTC

neverartful wrote: post #114

And during that time that they're 12 or younger: - Read to your young children regularly. Ideally, every day. This is something my father did with me when I was very young and I can't express how wonderful it was. - Remember that you're setting the example for them -- make it a good example. 2 specific examples that I always observed: never use profanity (even saying 'crap' was very infrequent), and never let your ki…

> - Read to your young children regularly. Ideally, every day. This is something my father did with me when I was very young and I can't express how wonderful it was.

...as long as it's a good book.

My mom thinks I love books because she did this with us. I haven't told her that whenever she did this I was just ignoring it and off in my own imagination, or watching other kids playing in the distance when we were outside - if anything she turned me off of reading for years because she chose books I found boring, and I didn't know anything else existed. It was much later I found sci-fi and came to it on my own.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#212

Post by elil17 » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 3:17 AM UTC

kbrannigan wrote: post #87

ProfessorLayton wrote: post #29

A huge asterisk here is that this varies greatly by culture. For better or worse* certain cultures value strong family bonds and time spent with the parents, as well as bilateral support well into adulthood. Many cultures also encourage multigenerational living within a single household (or in extremely close proximity like my parents did). For example, my parents were happy to have me live at home as long as I wante…

Yes! American, Anglo-Saxon culture while widespread is not the norm. There is such thing as Inter-generational living. You often see advice on the internet: Why are you 20 and still living with your parents, you're a loser. You're 30 still living with your parents, you won't amount to anything. Yeah right!!! Meanwhile they leave alone with a dog, - need a ton of additional psychotherapy to stay sane. - Need to setup…

It honestly makes me so sad to see how people judge each other for living with their parents. I often read/contribute to r/PersonalFinance on Reddit the most common attitude there seems to be that people living with their pares stealing free rent.

Why is it so hard for people to believe that someone might just love their family and wish to spend a significant portion of their adult life enjoying and nurturing those relationships?

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#213

Post by elil17 » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 3:20 AM UTC

neverartful wrote: post #137

rtlfe wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> never use profanity (even saying 'crap' was very infrequent) Why does this matter?

Do you want your child growing up to be foul-mouthed?

Who cares? As long as someone can shut it off when needed (e.g. at work) this is something that does not matter at all.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#214

Post by ysavir » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 3:22 AM UTC

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #198

volkl48 wrote: post #185

Earlier quoted context omitted.

1) You may be good at this or have some situation in terms of support structures or lifestyle where this is particularly easy, but this is not at all what many parents I know/encounter express to me (as a person who's openly childfree). The combination of more than one kid and 2 parents working FT out of the home, seems to equal an absolutely exhausting long-term grind for many unless they've got a lot of family near…

> but this is not at all what many parents I know/encounter express to me (as a person who's openly childfree). My experience as a parent and talking to other parents in my social circle couldn't be more different. It's possible that your "openly childfree" status is biasing your conversations with others toward viewpoints that support your childfree identity. Personally, I learned long ago to avoid discussing anythi…

> Personally, I learned long ago to avoid discussing anything about parenting with people who make childfree part of their outward identity, because it seems they only want to argue that my experience as a parent is somehow wrong or invalid.

Aren't you doing that exact thing when saying this:

> It's possible that your "openly childfree" status is biasing your conversations with others toward viewpoints that support your childfree identity.

GP never argued that you're wrong or your perspective is invalid, just that there's a spectrum of experiences, and that you shouldn't expect everyone to have the same experiences you do, and that you shouldn't blindly encourage others based on your own experience. It's one thing if you know the person well and can point at specific things about them you think suggest they would enjoy parenthood, but it's not something that be laid down as a blanket statement.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#215

Post by baryphonic » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 3:23 AM UTC

a_e_k wrote: post #163

WheatMillington wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

I have four kids. YMMV, but I've found with mine that six years old seems to be the magic threshold. Developmentally, it seems like at that age a switch suddenly turns on and they start really showing distinct interests, talking fluently, thinking more abstractly, making solid friendships with a few peers, and wanting a bit more independence. I find the 6yo age to be a blast.

I'd echo this. My youngest is 5, and though we went through the terrible 2s through the f**ing 4s, it seems we've turned a corner at age 5. There's this sweet little kid who can start to control his emotions and frequently makes us laugh. In place of fits and tantrums we had for basically the past three years, we have someone who can take a breather and accept "no" for an answer.

The best part is all of the hugs, the I-love-you-Daddy-s, the endless curiosity (tonight's: "if you use Apple Pay, are they taking [cash] dollars out of your phone?") and a newfound recognition that other people with their own dignity and needs exist.

It is still a lot of work, but I love spending time with my kids and seeing them learn and grow into civilized people.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#216

Post by elil17 » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 3:24 AM UTC

netsharc wrote: post #42

gamerDude wrote: post #17

This is also a reminder of the opposite. For those of us on here, we have less than 25% of our time with our parents left. I lost my father earlier this year. I count myself lucky that I felt very satisfied and complete in our relationship.

Long, but at the end he does the stats about approximate time left with his parents: https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html

Reading this article a couple years back got me to really question why I was planning to move far away from my parents and spend so little time with them. Changed some life plans based on that.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#217

Post by brnt » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 3:24 AM UTC

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

People have made having kids into a Mission Impossible: as if the only way to raise them is to give them the most perfect time, education, fun, etc. There is a difference between understanding it is a bit of a commitment, that there are better and worse ways to do things, as is true for any worthwhile endeavor, and setting yourself up for failure by imagining you can do no less than fully plan out and control a perfect upbringing.

Have a little faith in yourself, humans have done this for a while, without both knowledge we have now (which will help you) and unhealthy perfectionist culture (which can only stand in your way). I'm the last person to convince anyone to get kids, but, as in other parts of life, I object to the perfectionist path. If that's what's stopping someone: relax! It's a big deal, but not the mountain you imagine it to be.

Also, you probably have no idea of the rewards. I didn't expect kids to be fun from basically day 1. To see them experiencing and learning from the very first days on is such a treat! Also, biology has prepared you with instincts that you don't know exist until you need them.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#218

Post by [deleted] » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 3:26 AM UTC

alpinemeadow wrote: post #178

maxsilver wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My partner and I have 5 kids under 7yrs old -- four of whom are adopted and two of whom are struggling with severe developmental delays (and likely autism, still waiting on formal diagnosis). When kids get older, they get a lot more "fun" and a lot less immediate work. I can take my eldest two out pretty much anywhere without a ton of effort, they are fun to hang out with, they can be trusted to be kind and respectfu…

I always say I only found unconditional love once I became a parent. (From me toward my child) As you say, the commitment is forever, whether we are present or not. For the movie Interstellar, one of the themes Nolan developed was that at some point we become our children’s memories. It probably happens around the 12 year old mark. For all parents out there, be present, however you can.

[deleted]

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#219

Post by irjustin » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 3:28 AM UTC

AmericanChopper wrote: post #202

irjustin wrote: post #176

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Is this "spending time" or physically in the same building? I was home "with my family" for 6+ hours but we were definitely not interacting with each other outside of meals. I was on my computer, siblings on tv, others doing random stuff. Nothing unreasonable at all. The article is trying to point out about quality time not just physically in the presence of each other.

Like actually spending quality time together. Cooking together, eating together, talking, sometimes playing games or watching TV or a movie. After dinner we’d typically just sit around drinking tea together.

Impressive! Not many families are built as such.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#220

Post by googlryas » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 3:28 AM UTC

rtlfe wrote: post #129

neverartful wrote: post #114

And during that time that they're 12 or younger: - Read to your young children regularly. Ideally, every day. This is something my father did with me when I was very young and I can't express how wonderful it was. - Remember that you're setting the example for them -- make it a good example. 2 specific examples that I always observed: never use profanity (even saying 'crap' was very infrequent), and never let your ki…

> never use profanity (even saying 'crap' was very infrequent) Why does this matter?

Just my own observation, but all the kids I remember that cursed a lot weren't very good at English. Not sure if it is correlation or causation, but who needs to find the right word to express yourself, when "fuck" or "shit" almost certainly fit the bill?

Maybe people who curse poetically are even better at English than non-cursers, but that probably comes with age and isn't relevant to advice about children.