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Loving Someone with Depression

mentalhealth.org.uk

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Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#161

Post by kkjjkgjjgg »

kindadepressing wrote: post #116
sudosteph wrote: post #112

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Tune me out if this doesn't resonate with you, but what you're describing, does it feel like it could have a spiritual component? Is it a sense of total, overwhelming hopelessness, but a rational one, based on existence as you can understand it? I spent a long time in a state like that, with suicidality and all. In retrospect it was a total "poverty of spirit", and I had to accept a drastically different understandin…

Actually, yes, it does feel like it could have a spiritual component. As a child I was a reluctant Christian. I’ve described myself as an atheist starting when I was 11 or so. Since experimenting with psychedelics, I now describe myself as an agnostic. I have a sense that there is some greater entity out there, but I have zero confidence that it resembles any human god. I attended a Christian church service a couple…

What helped me with regard to that was reading the first three pages of "The myth of Sisyphus" by Albert Camus. I never even read the book further than that.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#162

Post by socialdemocrat »

I can relate a lot to this having had mild depression over many years. All the advice and attempts at “fixing” the problem can just make you not want to talk about it. You just don’t want to hear the same damn advise over and over again.

I think what I found hardest is the assumption that a person with depression in addition to doing their job has energy and motivation to do a multitude of activities which is supposed to make you well.

One thing that helped me was to be on partial sick leave. I would go to work but spend less time there. The left over time I would spend on taking long walks. I would just walk through the city and look at old architecture.

It was a sort of real low effort activity I could pull off. A lot of other stuff was just too hard to motivate myself to.

You need stuff that is easy to do and be given the time to do it. With depression you don’t have energy and motivation to do all the normal chores.

The worst is when absolutely nothing is fun or interesting. Everything is just a void. All the things you normally love means nothing to you.

For me one of the most painful things was completely losing the joy of playing with my children. I had a lot of fun doing it before depression. But depression more or less permanently robbed me of that joy.

You feel terrible when playing with your own kids become the worst chore possible. You so want to like it. But you cannot because something is broken in your head.

Only positive I think has come out of it is a stronger ability to empathize with other people who struggle. It is easier to see how people are not necessarily living the life they want to live. They are just managing as best they can.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#163

Post by izhak »

This is so fucking desperate. This whole thing is so fucking fucked up. Somebody I love has been in depression for almost a year. I tried everything, including this suggested "stay with them in the dark until they are better, oh wait that time could never come, but you do stay there with them nevertheless". Thanks for the "advice". That's what I've been doing. It's draining and it's killing me. Burning out through such experience is a matter of months, unless you are fully well, physically and mentally happy and stable yourself w/ a lot of overage to give. Surprise - most people are not. The article doesn't mention that at all. Doesn't answer the question where the hell can we find the resource and support to sustain ourselves while also being in the somebody else's darkness. Doesn't even mention that as a fundamental question. And for many of us the situation of "can't leave my beloved one, can't live with them in the darkness" will result in a endless cycle of two depressed people locked up in the cave of mutual drowning. I'm still here and I'm not gonna go.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#164

Post by thalassophobia »

agumonkey wrote: post #150
okareaman wrote: post #10

My own major debilating depression was such that I couldn't get out of bed other than to use the toilet. Worse than that I could see no reason to get out of bed and didn't care to get out of bed. Taking a shower and getting dressed was out of the question. I knew the strain I was causing in my family, but since I didn't feel anything, I couldn't feel enough empathy for them to do anything about it. I knew I used to l…

I have a question regarding crippling depression. When I hit the wall, I never got fully bed ridden, I was able to force myself out (also the fact that my heart couldn't operate well when horizontal gave me another reason). I had to mentally plan, calculate and monitor every move (moving one finger, grabbing a spoon) sluggishly. But at times my brain just ..shut. I would collapse on a table.. not due to fatigue or pa…

I had something like that during my worst depressive episode. I just collapsed on the table during work because I couldn't make myself do anything, including sitting.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#165

Post by r_hoods_ghost »

R0b0t1 wrote: post #136
asveikau wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not op, but I lived with a bipolar patient and had a relative who was schizoaffective, bipolar subtype. It's pretty common for bipolar patients to be misdiagnosed as having depression because mania or hypomania "feels good" and they don't seek treatment until they crash into a depressive episode. Or sometimes the mania just emerges later in life, as the course of the illness can vary and develop over the years, so ma…

I see a lot of people talking about their bipolar diagnosis that has no or very little manic component. Why call it bipolar then? It's just cyclical major depression.

Because it's not just cyclical major depression (and there's no "just" to major depression either, but that's another rant). The diagnostic criteria for bipolar is that you have had at least one extended episode of mania or hypomania alongside a depressive episode, so you're not going to have the diagnosis unless you've been manic or hypomanic at some point. Although it may not be a major or dominant part of someone's presentation, mania or hypomania is nevertheless there and it effects what treatments are appropriate. Certain SSRI's may trigger off hypomania or mania in a bipolar patient, or simply be utterly ineffective, whereas in someone with cyclical major depression their response would be different. I'm bipolar II and spend roughly 1/4 to 1/3rd of my life meeting the criteria for major depression but very rarely have hypomanic episodes, and this was the case even before I was on lithium. Indeed I've gone for years in between major hypomanic episodes. But hoo boy! When they hit there is no mistaking them.

The other thing is that unlike with depression where you have to squint really hard to see much of an effect from most treatments, there are reasonably effective treatments for mania and hypomania, including good old lithium. So if you're being treated, while you might still suffer from regular bouts of depression, you'll likely have much reduced or even eliminated hypomanic or manic symptoms. So it's not unusual to see manic depressives who are treated showing very few manic symptoms for years on end.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#166

Post by hotz »

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #20

Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me pr…

Similar experience here. Though my ex was diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder on top of the clinical depression. Regular psychologist and psychiatrist visits and a scary amount of meds to take each day.

I've got a lot of empathy for people in relationships like this. It's not easy and even though there's help and medication, it still ends up being an up hill battle.

I myself have been struggling with Dysthymia since my teenage years so you can imagine how fun that experience was with her.

I tried everything with her to change her outlook on certain things, find ways to distract her mind, finding coping mechanism etc. Nothing worked, though I think she might not have wanted to get better in a sense. Having 5+ hour long arguments every day about things that weren't logical finally broke me. My Dysthymia turned into full on depression. For months I'd tell her that I'm going to bed praying I wouldn't wake up - hoping that she'd find better ways for managing things... I just eventually tapped out and had to leave.

So yeah, I have loads of empathy for people in similar situations. Just remember that you can leave. If you've done all you've could, no one will blame you. Some people just aren't meant to be in relationships or need a lot of help before getting into one.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#167

Post by albedoa »

bonoboTP wrote: post #32
GlenTheMachine wrote: post #20

Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me pr…

So was she diagnosed with depression or what? Main part is missing from the anecdote.

A major point is that a diagnosis is often missing from the anecdote because there is not one. The main part is the depression.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#168

Post by noduerme »

joeman1000 wrote: post #149
noduerme wrote: post #140

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Quoted post unavailable.

This is such a block-headed view and I hope no one reading will actually take it to heart. Mens emotions and mental health are just as valid as a woman’s. Absolutely hypocritical and dangerous viewpoint to hold.

Nah, it's been the default view of all of humanity for the past few hundred thousand years. I opened and closed by saying it was stone-aged, but it isn't without merit just because it's suddenly out of fashion. And as far as being "dangerous", it's not physically dangerous. Or, no more so than a woman staying with a man who takes his depression out on her. Which is a very dangerous thing, indeed.

It's all good to say it's a block-headed view, but it ain't hypocritical (it would need to be self-contradictory for that), and there are lots of other views besides the "right one" - yours? What's that? - that people reading should take to heart. One of which is that men who can't hold their shit together are by definition more dangerous and harmful than women who can't.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#169

Post by thenaturalist »

For anyone struggling with depression or living with a partner who does, I highly recommend Johann Hari’s book “Lost Connections”.

It’s a non-fiction journey through decades of research on depression, how the topic even surfaced on the academic horizon, and how we as deeply social creatures can unwind some of the environmental aspects which cause depression.

As a depressed person myself the book is so well structured and has brought a level of clarity on the topic I haven’t seen elsewhere. Really helpful for getting into an actionable mindset.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#170

Post by lsferreira42 »

I'm in a situation like that right now, well, my wife is, i suffer from a very strong depression that is destroying my life, relationships, jobs and hobby's, to be fair i don't know how she can endure that. My depression keeps me away from doctors, friends, it keep me in the same job position because i can't find forces to learn more things, i am still fighting this war and i hope to get well some time
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