Loving Someone with Depression • Hacker News Board

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#141

Post by sudosteph » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 7:15 AM UTC

ativzzz wrote: post #115

sudosteph wrote: post #112

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Tune me out if this doesn't resonate with you, but what you're describing, does it feel like it could have a spiritual component? Is it a sense of total, overwhelming hopelessness, but a rational one, based on existence as you can understand it? I spent a long time in a state like that, with suicidality and all. In retrospect it was a total "poverty of spirit", and I had to accept a drastically different understandin…

Did you turn to organized religion? I find that I don't really believe in anything enough (not just religion) to be a spiritual person. How did you develop a spiritual component?

Yeah, I did put my hope in Jesus and turn to Christianity. I didn't consider myself spiritual either beforehand. I never did psychedelics or believed in anything supernatural, or believed in some higher power or meaning before I made the decision to believe in Jesus' claims. It was a decision based on evaluating the state of my own self, and evaluating Jesus and his words.

Though to give some background, even when I was an avowed atheist, moral relativism was something I could never abide. I always felt strongly that as intelligent beings, there was truth and objectively better ways of existing to be found. The book "The beginning of infinty" helped me justify that rationally, and also made me realize how incredibly powerful, rare, and valuable intelligence is as a force in the universe. From there, CS Lewis' "Abolition of Man" got me onto the idea of natural Law, and the "Gospel of Thomas" got me thinking on the timeless, and somewhat subversive nature of the truths that Jesus taught. I looked many places, but found Jesus' teachings to be uniquely valuable to understanding the state of myself own soul. From there, it was a matter of choosing to believe him on the harder stuff (CS Lewis' Trilemma came into play there). The feeling of belief did not precede the decision to believe, which surprised me, but is apparently not uncommon.

I'm glad I did though, and my spirituality (which I only developed afterward) has become really essential to my life and hugely positive for my wellbeing. The organized religion aspect is more of a support system and framework to practice it in, but quite helpful nonetheless.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#142

Post by redisman » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 7:19 AM UTC

istorical wrote: post #84

I wonder when fecal microbiome transplant will be the next 'just try psilocybin / ketamine' and if it will work well. Find a happy friend and freeze some of their poop, put it in gelcap, swallow it. See if it fixes the eternal sad.

You’re supposed to put it up your butt, not swallow it

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#143

Post by joeman1000 » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 7:20 AM UTC

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #20

Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me pr…

God this sounds like my life right now. I’m glad your wife got help. How did you keep positive and healthy? And how did your wife come to see the problem?

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#144

Post by rancar2 » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 7:20 AM UTC

nus07 wrote: post #73

I suffer from depression and oscillate between days of high productivity and days of listlessness. I am a fairly decent programmer who has cracked FAANG interviews and got PIPed out of one in the past mostly due to my depression . I now work at a job which pays me well but is nowhere close to FAANG levels and I am fine with that because I need a job that allows me the 1-2 days in two weeks where I can barely do anyth…

I’ve know people to read or listen to Feeling Good in similar circumstances and find relief. Given that you are already seeing a therapist, this may help accelerate that transition from surviving to thriving. It’s a journey taken one step at a time, sometimes forward and sometimes backward. Being kind to yourself and giving yourself lots of time to go beyond the surviving state gives one the best chance. I wish you all the best in the journey.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#145

Post by noduerme » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 7:22 AM UTC

DoreenMichele wrote: post #86

azalemeth wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a l…

FWIW: I'm genuinely confused that you believe she was better off because you left, yet you feel like a monster and crave some kind of outside validation.

Most of your posts on HN amount to guilting people and accusing them of things, mixed with heavy doses of self-validation. (Earlier today you were starving in a street because of capitalism, no?) So the idea that someone could feel both guilt and relief at the same time shouldn't be foreign territory.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#146

Post by bojangleslover » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 7:22 AM UTC

Young folks take heed of these stories.

The lesson is that, of the people you will truly love, you can't choose your kids or your parents but you can choose the spouse.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#147

Post by hooande » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 7:22 AM UTC

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #20

Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me pr…

I'm surprised to see so many other commenters in this same situation. Thanks for posting this, and I hope things work out for the best

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#148

Post by jokoon » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 7:26 AM UTC

orasis wrote: post #37

Yeah sorry. I’m not going to just listen. A lot of the time you need to push them to take the next step because they are STUCK. Go exercise, eat some healthy food, take your damn meds, try new meds, try ketamine if suicidal, try psilocybin if treatment resistant. But coddling depression just drags it out longer and digs the spiral deeper. Yes, it is a disease which means it needs to be treated.

Stop recommending psilocybin if you're not a doctor

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#149

Post by joeman1000 » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 7:28 AM UTC

noduerme wrote: post #140

khazhoux wrote: post #24

A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.

Quoted post unavailable.

This is such a block-headed view and I hope no one reading will actually take it to heart. Mens emotions and mental health are just as valid as a woman’s. Absolutely hypocritical and dangerous viewpoint to hold.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#150

Post by agumonkey » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 7:30 AM UTC

okareaman wrote: post #10

My own major debilating depression was such that I couldn't get out of bed other than to use the toilet. Worse than that I could see no reason to get out of bed and didn't care to get out of bed. Taking a shower and getting dressed was out of the question. I knew the strain I was causing in my family, but since I didn't feel anything, I couldn't feel enough empathy for them to do anything about it. I knew I used to l…

I have a question regarding crippling depression. When I hit the wall, I never got fully bed ridden, I was able to force myself out (also the fact that my heart couldn't operate well when horizontal gave me another reason). I had to mentally plan, calculate and monitor every move (moving one finger, grabbing a spoon) sluggishly. But at times my brain just ..shut. I would collapse on a table.. not due to fatigue or pain, not like fainting or narcolepsia, it was something else, like neurological surrendering because there was no notion of aim anymore. Has it happened to you that way ? or anyone else ? It's long gone but still I'm unsurprisingly curious.