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Loving Someone with Depression

mentalhealth.org.uk

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Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#71

Post by rsyring »

AussieWog93 wrote: post #69
rsyring wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Quoted post unavailable.

I read your other comment. It was full of fluff and completely tone-deaf and inapplicable to anyone who has actually been through such a situation. I'd go so far as to point it out as an example of why nobody listens to philosophers any more.

My wife was married before me, it was terrible, and eventually divorced him. She would still consider my comment very applicable to someone in this kind of situation.

The comment netted 60 upvotes...so I'm not the only one that thinks this way.

It's not tone deaf, it's not discounting the pain and frustration that marriage can bring. It is challenging the pervasive self focus of our culture, over emphasis on personal happiness, and the refining benefit that persevering through suffering can bring.

That hits the wrong chord for some people. So be it.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#72

Post by hemloc_io »

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #20

Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me pr…

Going to take a different, probably controversial perspective on this. (But this is my pseudo anon account so whatever;)

I had a similar thing happen with my long time girlfriend, 5+ years. She had a rough childhood and covid measures eventually made her suicidal as we graduated college. Eventually she got treatment, and is doing better (yay!).

This is all great other than the meds have now evened her out too much. She’s a totally different person and antidepressants have some side effects that have effected us.

Even if the meds are good for you, and they probably are, it was difficult to adjust to a whole new person after so long. I could even see either the side effects or who she is now ending our relationship.

We’re working on it, but i think in part the meds messed with our dynamic.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#73

Post by nus07 »

I suffer from depression and oscillate between days of high productivity and days of listlessness. I am a fairly decent programmer who has cracked FAANG interviews and got PIPed out of one in the past mostly due to my depression . I now work at a job which pays me well but is nowhere close to FAANG levels and I am fine with that because I need a job that allows me the 1-2 days in two weeks where I can barely do anything . My spouse has had to deal with all this and also my outbursts and lying on the couch doing nothing . I recognize how patient she has been and tried to help me. I tend to get critical of her and blame her. I have finally started seeing a therapist and know I am in the wrong . But it feels very hard to fight the bad feelings which has been worse since the death of a parent during Covid and another aging parent while I am stuck in another country unable to travel.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#74

Post by skellera »

stavros wrote: post #56
magpi3 wrote: post #21

I think the overarching message with this post is right on whenever you are talking to someone who is struggling: listen, love, and don't judge. A hug is much better than a suggestion on how the family member can "fix" themselves. I also want to put a plug in for dogs. I have struggled with depression on and off in my life, and two years ago I adopted a dog I saw being abused in the street. She was just a little pupp…

Dogs are amazing. I found mine on the street too, though she would wait for me to get up before she came over to play, she never woke me up. Now she's an old lady with hearing problems, but she's still amazing and super smart. https://youtu.be/COIVkkHxNR0

Don’t have much to add but that’s an adorable dog.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#75

Post by kayodelycaon »

fastball wrote: post #39
kayodelycaon wrote: post #17

As someone who is bipolar, this hits the nail firmly on the head. Having to deal with people is just exhausting on top of everything else. All people need to do is listen and don’t try to fix things. But people want to fix things. If I don’t let them fix things, I’m the asshole. If they can’t fix things, it’s my job to absolve their guilt, or I’m the asshole. If I’m having suicidal thoughts, I’ve learned just say I’m…

I'm glad you've got everything taken care of, but I think part of the problem is that not everyone does. Some people don't need any more help, but some people do. Hard to tell from the outside.

It is hard to tell and most people don’t know what to look for. And I don’t expect them to.

The problem is people do whatever they think will help instead of listening.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#76

Post by skellera »

rsyring wrote: post #65
roberto wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

First, you don't know if they were married, of what their vows were. Second, you have no idea what they've gone through, no understanding of their pain. If you have nothing constructive to say, no empathy, just shut up.

> First, you don't know if they were married, of what their vows were. The comment said "spouse" so married. So we are in agreement that what's in the vows actually matter? > just shut up. Yah...how about not doing that here: https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

I don’t think everyone sees marriage the same way.

Vows are not morally or legally binding. It’s good if people want to take them seriously but people leave each other for lesser things than decades long depression.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#77

Post by throwawayboise »

azalemeth wrote: post #27
khazhoux wrote: post #24

A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.

I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a l…

A relationship is a two party deal. If one party isn't holding up his/her half, for whatever reason, including mental illness, and isn't taking steps to improve, there isn't much to be done. One person alone can't make a relationship work.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#78

Post by throwawayboise »

rsyring wrote: post #38
khazhoux wrote: post #24

A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.

Quoted post unavailable.

Both people take the vows. It isn't one person promising to suffer the other no matter what he/she does.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#79

Post by throwawayboise »

skellera wrote: post #76
rsyring wrote: post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> First, you don't know if they were married, of what their vows were. The comment said "spouse" so married. So we are in agreement that what's in the vows actually matter? > just shut up. Yah...how about not doing that here: https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

I don’t think everyone sees marriage the same way. Vows are not morally or legally binding. It’s good if people want to take them seriously but people leave each other for lesser things than decades long depression.

Vows are absolutely morally binding. That's why they are taken. But they are taken together, mutually.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#80

Post by kindadepressing »

rubicon33 wrote: post #58
kindadepressing wrote: post #19

I’ve been depressed for 6 or 7 years. I’m 23 now. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to end. I’ve been in a challenging episode for the past few weeks. I have been fortunate to be able to take a week and a half off work. I thought it would be relaxing, but all I’ve done is lay in bed. My girlfriend lives with me, and I feel so guilty and embarrassed. I wouldn’t want to be with me. I don’t think my problems are ever goin…

Hey there... As someone who is now in their mid 30's, but whos depression started in their early 20s, let me beg you - do not wait to get treatment. It won't go away, and it will take years from you. Don't let it take what should be some of the best years of your life. If you don't approach depression as a disease that needs treatment, then you will resist doing anything about it and it will silently suck the joy out…

Hey, thanks for your response. It’s heartening to see someone who cares for the well-being of strangers.

Not to be even more of a downer, but… I feel like I’m running out of options. I’ve tried Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Effexor, and Remeron, prescribed by 3 different doctors. I’ve seen 6 different therapists. I’m extremely privileged to say that I’m currently seeing a Stanford PhD out-of-network weekly.

I’ve heavily experimented with psychedelics, and while they’ve given me a much greater appreciation for arts and humanities as well as a curiosity about this universe, they haven’t made me want to be alive. I’ve experimented with ketamine recreationally, too.

I don’t know what to do. Nothing helps. I’m thinking of trying TMS, but I’m really skeptical of that.

Part of me wonders if I have what your sibling commenter describes as “congruent depression” — depression which is expected given the circumstances of one’s life. There is one aspect of my life which is lacking: social connection. I feel lonely, but it’s hard to tell if this is the cause of my depression. Even if it is, I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t really like talking to people — I’m very introverted and also talking to people makes me very anxious. It’s even more difficult because of Covid.

Your comment really hits close to home. I’m not living. There is no joy. And I can see, very slowly, the damage which is being done.

Thanks again for your response.

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