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Loving Someone with Depression

mentalhealth.org.uk

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Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#61

Post by okareaman »

YXNjaGVyZWdlbgo wrote: post #35
okareaman wrote: post #10

My own major debilating depression was such that I couldn't get out of bed other than to use the toilet. Worse than that I could see no reason to get out of bed and didn't care to get out of bed. Taking a shower and getting dressed was out of the question. I knew the strain I was causing in my family, but since I didn't feel anything, I couldn't feel enough empathy for them to do anything about it. I knew I used to l…

Hey, you are not alone with BP and there is a really great BP discord server. We have real support groups running two times a day. I encourage everyone with BP to join it. https://discord.gg/rbipolar2

Great, I'll check it out.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#62

Post by bachmeier »

azalemeth wrote: post #27
khazhoux wrote: post #24

A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.

I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a l…

> failing a partner in their hour (well, decade) of need

Genuine question here. What do you mean when you talk about "failing a partner"? It seems like everyone in this type of relationship hesitates to leave because they think they'll damage the other person.

It doesn't sound from what you've written that your partner was doing so well when you were with them. Have you considered that maybe part of the depression was caused by their relationship with you? (Obviously I'm not saying that is the case, but reading your post, you seem to be of the opinion that your relationship was a good thing for your ex-partner.)

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#63

Post by cm2012 »

My wife has something close to borderline personality disorder with the primary feature of fear of abandonment (she was abandoned as a child).

As you can imagine, this has been stressful. Culminating in her attempting suicide when I had to go to work one morning.

Luckily after three tries, the fourth therapist did the trick. He specialized in treating emotional regulation disorders with DBT therapy. My wife can now function in life, its incredible. People who interact with her now wouldn't recognize her from 3 years ago.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#64

Post by rowingcoal »

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #20

Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me pr…

This rings true.

> But if you lose your own mental health you’re pretty much done.

Happened to me. I started the relationship with zeal and willingness to help. I wished to make a difference, yet it can be incredibly taxing one one's emotions. You can very much be affected yourself.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#65

Post by rsyring »

roberto wrote: post #44
rsyring wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Quoted post unavailable.

First, you don't know if they were married, of what their vows were. Second, you have no idea what they've gone through, no understanding of their pain. If you have nothing constructive to say, no empathy, just shut up.

> First, you don't know if they were married, of what their vows were.

The comment said "spouse" so married.

So we are in agreement that what's in the vows actually matter?

> just shut up.

Yah...how about not doing that here: https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#66

Post by cm2012 »

cgearhart wrote: post #42

I have been living with a bipolar/depressed spouse for the past ten years. About once every three or four years we have a major episode (often a depressive abyss immediately following a manic period). I feel deeply for anyone suffering this or similar diseases…but I’m also tired of articles like this one at this point. It feels like they all come at me from this perspective of what I need to do for my spouse while th…

There was a time when I was caring for my spouse when I kind of wished I would have a heart attack that would hospitalize me but not kill me, so I wouldn't have to carry the burden for a bit. I don't know what I would have done if we didn't luck into finding a therapist who specialized in her problems.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#67

Post by rsyring »

khazhoux wrote: post #50
rsyring wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Quoted post unavailable.

I wasn't at his wedding but presumably the vow leaned more towards the first. Are you saying that people should never get divorced, because the sacred vow should rule supreme, end of story?

I left a link in my parent comment that should shed light on my thoughts on marriage and commitment.

But, to answer your question, I do think there are times when divorce is wise. I just think those cases are exponentially less common than the rate at which people get divorced today.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#68

Post by ceedan »

NicoJuicy wrote: post #54
ceedan wrote: post #45

Listening is everything. Turn off the problem solver part of your brain and just experience their emotions and listen. Ask questions based on what they have said, try not to assume or think 2 steps ahead. Going through different medications with your partner is rough too. The side effects suck, and some medicine doesnt help or makes things worse. Trintellix helped my partner, after 2 or 3 others failed medications. T…

I suppose the situation is that your partner is INTJ and almost apathic to living in the now and focused on the future? Can i ask what improved the situation ?

I'm so sorry, my partner was actually INFJ. I just put a random one there.

My INFJ issues were related to perfectionism.

We went to therapy together, and it helped.. would reccomend. Therapy is a great safe place to ask them "dumb" questions about their behavior and thoughts.

If you're not at that point yet, keep researching about their brand of unhappiness and see if any suggestions come up.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#69

Post by AussieWog93 »

rsyring wrote: post #38
khazhoux wrote: post #24

A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.

Quoted post unavailable.

I read your other comment. It was full of fluff and completely tone-deaf and inapplicable to anyone who has actually been through such a situation.

I'd go so far as to point it out as an example of why nobody listens to philosophers any more.

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